Saturday, November 27, 2010

Teddy Bear Hugs.

There is a time where you don't quite control your thoughts, but you still conciously think them.  In between dreams and reality, that simple twilight zone of warm comforters and teddy bears to hug.  What does your mind automatically jump to in this twilight zone?
Unfortunately, mine has been the same since last May.  While I haven't hugged him through Valentine [my dearest teddy bear that is there for me every night and I hug with others in mind so I don't feel alone] in over...well at least a couple weeks, maybe a month, he is still the memories that I find myself desperately clinging to in the darkness of my bed.  A roll of different flashes of our time together run by quickly, all soundless, and immediately set in a low light.  Many little slides of things I remember and cherish, all rewinding and fast-forwarding and playing and slowing down in a moment sustained within my mind... and I want them to stop.  But the never do.  Just keep replaying and replaying and replaying...
Do I love him?
"2am, who do I love,
I wondered till I was wide awake..."
I've obviously made it very clear that I do not love who he is right now.  Never choosing who he wants to be...telling me he misses me then ignores me...  Only my friend when he needs one?  No.  That is not worth it.
But I have considered, maybe even accepted without thinking, the possibility that I am still in love with who he was.  That beautiful boy, my perfect miracle.  However, not once have I thought about the possibility that I am not.  What if?  What if I am not in love with who he was anymore either?  Because the more I think about it, the more it hits me.  All this time I've blamed the boy he is now for my heartbreak, but didn't my Blaze have to let himself change to become who he is now?  What if he and who he was are truly the same person, and he simply stopped treating me nice because he had moved on to Sarah?  While I hate to admit it, it's true.
So doesn't that mean that I don't love who he used to be anymore?  Well.  Let me rephrase.  That means I'm not in love with who he used to be anymore.  I will forever and always love him unconditionally, simply because of what he gave me and what he has shown me about life and myself.  He gave me a boost up into...something.  Maturity?  Hm.  Anywho, I am not in love with any tense of him anymore.  Not even future tense, because I now know that it will be the same heart breaking beautiful boy he was to me, is to Sarah, and will be to many more.
Now that I have that figured out, I must wonder, where is all this love going to?  I have so much love in my heart.  I do!  It comes out at the most random of moments, where I love and appreciate everyone and everything and my heart just wants to hug everything and everyone.  But it must go somewhere.  If I don't love him like I thought I did, who do I then?
Tough cookie question.
For now, I will try and love myself.  Why shouldn't I?  Because I was pushed aside twice by someone who promised me forever?  No.  I should because I am me. 
And there is no one else like that.

Possibly my favorite. I have been waiting for the perfect chance to use it.

This would be me. If I had a guy to jump with. If I lived by the beach. If my foot wasn't broken.

Add this to my Christmas Wish List?

Strong. Independant. Beautiful.

I dream to someday be that good of a dresser. And that cool. And to have a dream catcher.

Because who wouldn't use a little liquid luck?
Love, StarFish.
PS. You deserve to love yourself as much as I love you.


    Good choices.

  2. And I am so so so so so so so so so proud of this realization. You are strong. You are independent. You are pretty.