Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Invasion of Privacy.




you already stole SmithTeens from me.
so get off my blog.

Monday, November 29, 2010

When nothing else matters.

It's like the words "she'll be okay" simply don't register.
Even when I'm repeating them to myself over and over again.
Nothing will stop the tears or the panic.
My very best friend,
the best friend I have ever had in my LIFE,
sick within inches of death in a lonely hospital.
I gave her my Valentine,
my precious teddy bear that I have hugged over and over again
in hopes that she wouldn't be too lonely.
I hope she's hugging him right now.
I brought her Buffy and a book,
I brought her love.
But I am so afraid.
What if she never comes back?
I have that stupid Hannah Montana birthday card she gave me,
I have the long and sweet birthday letter that came along with it.
We have countless pictures together.
We have each others secrets.
I would do anything for her.
I would do anything to be in that hospital bed instead of her.
I've put her picture as my phone's wallpaper,
and I've wished on every star, every 11:11 or 12:34 wish.
But while all the other problems we got
each other through were fixed by
words and comfort,
this one isn't.
I can talk to her and promise it'll be okay,
and soothe her tears
and hide mine the best I can,
but I can't talk the sickness away.
and I am so scared.
I love you Stevie.
I will not lose you.

One size fits all... I hope.

Does anyone recognize that quote?  From psych?
When Stevie was admitted to the hospital on Sunday, they gave her one of the robe things and she said, "One size fits all... I hope."
A quote from possibly our mutual favorite psych episode which is our mutual favorite show.
When she told me she said that, I knew she would be okay.
I love you Stevie.

Thank you to Zak, for not knowing what to say and still talking to me.
Thank you to Braedon, who is almost always free to talk to and knows just what to say.
Thank you to Jared, for telling me many a funny flirtatious jokes to cheer me up.
Thank you to Justyn, for giving me books and telling me it'll be alright.
Thank you to Stevie, for calling many many times.
And singing me songs when you do.
Finally, thank you to Blaze, for making me completely estranged to you. You telling me to calm down is just the kick I needed to realize you just don't care anymore. So thanks.

I am so grateful to have all of my blessed friends in my life. [Well, maybe not the last one so much.]  And I know Stevie will get through this because I love her too much for God to let her slip away.

Love, StarFish.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Teddy Bear Hugs.

There is a time where you don't quite control your thoughts, but you still conciously think them.  In between dreams and reality, that simple twilight zone of warm comforters and teddy bears to hug.  What does your mind automatically jump to in this twilight zone?
Unfortunately, mine has been the same since last May.  While I haven't hugged him through Valentine [my dearest teddy bear that is there for me every night and I hug with others in mind so I don't feel alone] in over...well at least a couple weeks, maybe a month, he is still the memories that I find myself desperately clinging to in the darkness of my bed.  A roll of different flashes of our time together run by quickly, all soundless, and immediately set in a low light.  Many little slides of things I remember and cherish, all rewinding and fast-forwarding and playing and slowing down in a moment sustained within my mind... and I want them to stop.  But the never do.  Just keep replaying and replaying and replaying...
Do I love him?
"2am, who do I love,
I wondered till I was wide awake..."
I've obviously made it very clear that I do not love who he is right now.  Never choosing who he wants to be...telling me he misses me then ignores me...  Only my friend when he needs one?  No.  That is not worth it.
But I have considered, maybe even accepted without thinking, the possibility that I am still in love with who he was.  That beautiful boy, my perfect miracle.  However, not once have I thought about the possibility that I am not.  What if?  What if I am not in love with who he was anymore either?  Because the more I think about it, the more it hits me.  All this time I've blamed the boy he is now for my heartbreak, but didn't my Blaze have to let himself change to become who he is now?  What if he and who he was are truly the same person, and he simply stopped treating me nice because he had moved on to Sarah?  While I hate to admit it, it's true.
So doesn't that mean that I don't love who he used to be anymore?  Well.  Let me rephrase.  That means I'm not in love with who he used to be anymore.  I will forever and always love him unconditionally, simply because of what he gave me and what he has shown me about life and myself.  He gave me a boost up into...something.  Maturity?  Hm.  Anywho, I am not in love with any tense of him anymore.  Not even future tense, because I now know that it will be the same heart breaking beautiful boy he was to me, is to Sarah, and will be to many more.
Now that I have that figured out, I must wonder, where is all this love going to?  I have so much love in my heart.  I do!  It comes out at the most random of moments, where I love and appreciate everyone and everything and my heart just wants to hug everything and everyone.  But it must go somewhere.  If I don't love him like I thought I did, who do I then?
Tough cookie question.
For now, I will try and love myself.  Why shouldn't I?  Because I was pushed aside twice by someone who promised me forever?  No.  I should because I am me. 
And there is no one else like that.

Possibly my favorite. I have been waiting for the perfect chance to use it.

This would be me. If I had a guy to jump with. If I lived by the beach. If my foot wasn't broken.

Add this to my Christmas Wish List?

Strong. Independant. Beautiful.

I dream to someday be that good of a dresser. And that cool. And to have a dream catcher.

Because who wouldn't use a little liquid luck?
Love, StarFish.
PS. You deserve to love yourself as much as I love you.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

A spaz? Me? ...maybe slightly. :]

Hm.  It's been brought to my attention that I have had many catch phrases. I'm pretty sure it all started last December, almost a year ago. That one was Hush! I remember saying it in dance.  I don't remember many of them, but I know among them have been Okidaisies and calling people Love. I continue saying the catch phrases, but not as often.  Right now, unfortunately, it's Huzzah. I sound like a dork to anyone I talk to. Because I keep saying Huzzah.  But I seriously can't stop saying it! Weirdest thing ever.
I had a good day.
Harry Freakin Potter Number Seven Part One!
Being tricked into happiness by one that I love.
Deciding my first daughter will be named Coral Renae.
Having a conversation with him.
Not getting mad at him or myself through said conversation.
Not procrastinating and doing ALL of my homework due over the next two days.
Although the homework due tomorrow that I didn't do till today sorta counts as procrastination.
I hope you all have lovely lives.
You all are lovely people.
Love, StarFish.
PS. And now some pictures from the most amazing website that I love.

That's probably too many already. I have like a billion saved. Oh well. Sometime I'll do a huge post full of beautiful pictures that I love.  Until then I'll just throw wonderful ones at the end of posts.
Oh! I almost forgot! I am happy about being alive today. You all should be too. :)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

An extremely long, and grammatically incorrect fairytale with an Unfinished Ending.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. she fell in love with a beautiful thespian, and somehow he fell in love with her too. he became her first kiss. her first love. her first boyfriend. and eventually, her first breakup. although she was the one who officially broke up with him, he was the one who officially stopped loving her and didn't even tell her. who takes the real blame for her tears?
a couple of months later, she was struggling with happiness without him. she didn't know what to do. she didn't know who to trust-if she could even trust anyone anymore. so she told herself she didn't love him anymore. she lied.
she eventually found a beautiful friendship in a beautiful boy. he became her new anchor, since she had been floating around for those horrible few months. he became her metaphorical big brother and under his wing, she felt safe again. she knew she could trust him. when she was feeling low, he'd call and hug her with his voice, and made her feel worth something again. they shared a beautiful friendship.
unfortunately, it was the same kind of friendship she and the first boy had shared, before he fell for her, kissed her, hurt her, healed her, and hurt her again. she brushed off worried feelings of how their friendship might end the same way and enjoyed having someone to talk to again.
last night, something changed. she and this beautiful boy went to a show that the first boy was in. she thought she could handle it, given she would be under the care of her big brother. she was wrong. she saw him run past her, still in character, and felt the funny feeling in her nose that warned her when she was about to cry. she drew her knees in around her and took deep, slow breaths, and stared up at the ceiling. he didn't notice [she doesn't think].
after the show, she had mostly gotten everything under control. she and her beautiful brother walked out, and she saw him beginning to walk up towards them. she turned away and started breathing quicker. her heart was noticably pounding in her chest, her pulse quickening in her ears. she knew she was about to cry and knew she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing that [because she knew he was coming up to see how she'd react.] so at the moment he assaulted her "brother" with a hug from behind, she turned quickly and sped walked away to the first safe haven she thought of- the auditorium she had just exited. she walked around in the round hallway, looking at pictures of past musicals and holding her breath and doing everything not to cry, until she felt it was safe. she walked back out and saw her brother looking around. he saw her and let her walk slowly into his arms. her head on his shoulder, she again felt the tears rising, but she subdued them like she had before. they started walking slowly down the hall, looking for fellow friends to see. they found many and she felt herself being lulled into a fake happiness. until she saw his mom, looking in the crowd for his face. she did not want to be there when he was found, so she walked away again, to the outdoors, so the cold could slap her into reality again. after a few moments she went back inside, hoping to find her brother and get another safe haven hug. instead she ran into the girl that the first boy loved now, since before she broke it off. they hugged and she knew the tears were coming for sure, so they ran together to a bathroom. they sat in the big stall, on the icky ground, and she was comforted by this beautiful girl. they left the bathroom. her mom texted, saying it was time to go. this girl looked once back at the crowd, and when her brother asked who she was looking for, she replied "No one I want to see" because she didn't want to cry again. she left, got home, took a warm, warm shower and cried for a while, then was cheered up by her lovely brother. and thus the night ended.

sorry for how ridiculously long this is. it's just something I needed to get out I guess. I'd be surprised if any of you read all that. I'm sorry if you did. just a simple woe of an ordinary teenage girl, who doesn't mean much to anyone in the world anymore.
[besides her mom. but that doesn't really count.]

And so she lived...but barely.
Love, StarFish.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Secret Four.

I secretly really really love pokemon.
I secretly felt really really bad when Blaze told me it was stupid.
I secretly feel really really happy because Braedon loves it too. :)
Love StarFish.

Taylor Swift Wins the Award.

Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps, praying the floor won't fall through
Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home,
shoulda known...
~Dear John
When we were together, and night was the only thing in between
us seeing each other, those nights seemed like forever and a half.
Now I'm just hoping I don't fall again.
I see that I let him walk all over me, that's not right.
I am certainly too young to be messed with, like he did.
He loved me in dresses. and I did cry. Duh.
I should've known I didn't deserve it all.
I used to know my place, as a spot next to you
now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
Cause lately I don't know what page you're on
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate
When it all broke down
but the story of us looks like a tragedy now...
next chapter.
How'd we end up this way,
see me nervously pull at my clothes, trying to look busy
and you're doing your best to avoid me
This is looking like a contest
of who can act like they care less
but I liked it better when you were on my side...
~Story Of Us
I don't think of this in a literal sense-more of a, in my mind,
I was always next to you, but now I'm just trying to figure out
where I am, because I don't know what's with you anymore.
It does look kind of like a tragedy, maybe just to me.
I'm ready to move on. finally.
Whenever I do see him, I always try to appear busy, that's true.
But he's always trying to avoid me.
Self-Explanatory, if you ask me.
Everything out of reach, someone bigger
brought down to you
Time, turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers,
Everyone of us has mess up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late, to
Be brand new..
Well, it's true. when you were little, everything
you couldn't reach, someone got for you. Now we
have to work for it ourself.
September is the month I broke up with him.
That was a flame, the whole month, just me struggling.
But there will be more Septembers.
While our lives change, we can always choose to be
whoever we want.
Taylor Swift wins the award of album that I can interpret directly into my life.
Speak Now.
Love, StarFish.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

oh jeez.

I must try to move on..because it's a sure thing that he doesn't fall to pieces when he sees my new profile picture, like I just did with his...but....I had forgotten how beautiful his warm brown eyes were...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Yes, Blaze, it's about you.

Dear Blaze.
Aren't you wondering what I was going to give you for your birthday?
It's half done and I won't finish it...
but if I were you I'd be curious.
Aren't you wondering what more I've said in Everything Is Changing?
Haven't written much and won't write much more...
but if I were you I'd be curious.
Aren't you wondering how Braedon and I suddenly grew so close?
It's nothing like how we were and hopefully never will be...
but if I were you I'd be curious.

Scratch that. I'll tell you the last one. 
It's because you abandoned me.
so Blaze...
Exactly how often is your forever?
Love Laura.

A Few Small Tokens.

Thank you for not sounding like him over the phone.
Thank you for letting me know how gentle you were.
thank you for showing me you care.
thank you for always being there.
thank you for giving me hope again.
thank you for restoring hope in our generation of boy.
thank you for still being a boy.
Thank you for trying to understand my tear clogged voice.
Thank you for giving Lenny a hug for me.
Thank you for not letting him ruin love for me.
Thank You.
wIth your gentLe voice
and sweet wOrds
making me feel loVed
you huggEd me
with Your voice
through the phOne
thank yoU for the call.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

my best friend loves the pain she brings to herself.
my best friend cries after she laughs.
my best friend does not deserve what GOD has given her to work with.
my best friend thinks she is a freak.
my best friend thinks she isn't a good role model,,,,
when...if it had been me, not her...i would be dead.
my best friend is bipolar.
my best friend can't hear the words i don't say because i don't have them.
my best friend cries almost every time i'm with her,
my best friend cries even more when i'm not with her.
my best friend doesn't even think about the razor on her skin anymore.
my best friend has a new shrink,,,,
if only she could be as comfortable with her as she is with me.
my best friend chopped off her hair.
my best friend writes achingly beautiful words.
my best friend chooses all the wrong guys,,,
but don't we all?
my best friend, is beautiful.
my best friend, loves me.
my best friend, can still smile.
most importantly,
my best friend is MY. BEST. FRIEND.
no matter what God thinks he can do to her.
Self-proclaimed Wise Man

Friday, November 5, 2010

My Newest Big Brother.

Facebook | Foto di * S u n s h i n e__ - {Sunshine.♥

I can honestly say that I love Braedon.  Not romantically, nowhere near, but I definitely love him. I once said "grr" to him and instead of asking what was wrong, he started saying things that rhymed with that. Another time, he made a sound that an animal says, and we proceeded to have an animal sound conversation.  We've had just plain sound conversations as well.  The most recent, and favorite random thing that he's done so far, is...well......okay. A couple of days ago, we were having a conversation and suddenly, I get like seventeen blank messages from him [I think I mentioned that in my recent blog post?] Well he said he did that because he was bored, so I said next time to actually say something.  Well.  Earlier today, I received a text from him saying a completely random fact.  I responded, Okay...?  But even as that was sending, I received another.  And another. And another and another and another.... Fifty seven texts in all.  My favorite, and the last one, was, "Laura is my little sister and I love her." It made my day. :)  Also, when we decided we wanted to get a group to go to a movie sometime, I started saying some names and he said, "anyone you want."  Maybe he doesn't realize how special that was to me.  But it was.  I'm not sure why but it makes me happy. :)
I can honestly say I think he's my older brother from a different family.  He was the very first person I told about Spencer, all those months back, and he was the very first person I confided in about what I knew was a growing crush on Blaze.  He was one of the first people I told when Blaze kissed me, he was the one I talked to when Blaze hurt me, the first time and the second time.  He got me through that.  I can say that he knows all of my secrets...well...not the ones between Blaze and me, obviously, ones that concern him like that.  He knows me so well.  I tell him everything, my every thought, and he cheers me up.  He is the happiest/tired..est... person I know.  Always.  He is just my favorite. Oh, I love my big brother. :)
Love StarFish.
PS. jamie, cheer up, you are amazing and awesome and I love you. <3

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Because We Have The Choice.

We learned about what happened in Rwanda couple years back today in world geography. We have been watching a movie called, Ghosts of Rwanda. I started crying today because of it. It's so horrible...how can anyone...just...kill? with machetes, with no thought at all?

There was a girl, a Tutsi [tribe being attacked by the Hutus], who was hiding with a couple hundred other Tutsis in a church with her family when the Hutus came for them. They never thought they'd be attacked and killed in a church but that's just what happened. This girl, only eleven at the time, fell apon the bodies and was covered in their blood and played dead. Once they had killed them all [so they thought] they went around to nudge the bodies and make sure. When they got to her, I guess they were suspicious, and so they stepped on her face and kicked her legs. She played dead the whole time, very convincingly, and they said, "This thing is dead." and they left. She layed on the bodies until dawn when the dogs came to eat. when they were ...well....on the person next to her, she threw rocks at them and they ran. She went into a side room of the church, where she lived and slept for the following forty four days.

and here I was, sad because he didn't text me.

While we all have our problems, and issues, and whatever, do remember that somewhere out there, people are fighting every second of the day just to keep breathing. What is their drive? Their motivation? to keep living. all of us here, we have the CHOICE to live how we want. So do. Live how you want.

Love StarFish.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

In retrospect, I love you. [not HIM. you! well him too. but mostly you.]

Don't know why I love this picture. But I do.
In retrospect, I've have a rather grand life.  Not a lot of pain or difficulties.
In retrospect, I should've known our relationship was going to end.
In retrospect, he is NOT the only person in my life, so why am I acting like he is?!
In retrospect... I rather just like saying retrospect. :)

Blaze... Pick a person to be and be him and not whoever else you could be.  Please.
Love, StarFish.

PS. just got twelve messages and counting.  All in a row.  Haven't checked any of them because I've been writing this.  I'm really wondering if any of them are from you.
Ha. No. Just Braedon being random as always.
In retrospect... this is almost better. :)

Monday, November 1, 2010

I am so tired of missing him.
Braedon, your words mean so much.  And I love the random conversation we had on sounds. for half an hour. I was putting my emotions into my sounds. for example: sniffle [I am crying], slap [missing him slaps me in the face], crack [i am cracking under pressure], etc.
Addy, I was honored to be mentioned in your blog. And I was honored to reread what you wrote in my yearbook: Laura. Thank you for being in my life. You probably don't know how much you mean to me. I love you Adds. :)
Jake, you're a good kid, and I like being able to spill everything to you and I like hearing about your problems. Plus, you tell me you see him at school so I don't have to worry.  thank you.
Kristen/Alex/Sally/Every other amazing person on Smithteens, thank you for the vitual hugs and love.  They all mean so much.
Trace, thank you for making me feel cool when you say you think we should go to Smart Cookie and a movie sometime.
Justyn/Jaisi, thank you for always talking to me.  Justyn, I love the Spirit Stone with all my heart.  Jaisi, I'm so grateful you came over to my boring old house last Saturday. These acts meant much to me. <3
Zak, thanks for making me feel loved by saying you missed me today.
Jamie, while you're still in Australia, thanks for always brightening my night when you're able to come on skype or call me.  You make me feel so special and someday I WILL come out and visit you.  In the meantime, I'll continue collecting letters and things to put in a box to send to you.
Kelsey, thanks for saying you wanted to hang out with me.
Shayna, thanks for talking to me and reading my blog and saying you understand.  i really want things to happen with you and Stewart, please go for it.
Krista, thanks for saying I'm a princess.
Baylee, thanks for sending me that quote, it made my day better.
blaze.... thanks. for. nothing.

I love the beautiful people in my life who make me feel better on the worst of days. I didn't mention many. But I love you all.
Love StarFish.