Mantras.

"I don't have a hard life. I am happy. I don't have a hard life. I am happy. I don't have a hard life. I am happy."

"How ironic how ironic how ironic how ironic how ironic."

"Don't let me go. Don't let me go. Don't let me go. Don't let me go."

Because I really don't have a hard life and I really am happy and it doesn't have to be ironic.

Look, guys, it isn't really his fault, he jokes, that's who he is, and that's how I like him. I like him, I love him, how he is. But I'd love it even more if I thought he really cared.

See, that was a stupid sentence, because I know he cares, I saw that last night. I'm insecure and I'm broken but I ought to believe the little voice more often, I ought to believe my brain or my heart--I'm not yet sure which says what, but I ought to believe the more optimistic one--because even though he might not love me, I love him, and that's enough, right? But it'd be really great if I thought he cared.

Look how crazy I am, just earlier I was saying, "stop making drama for yourself, stop disbelieving, just take it as it is and stop questioning it" and now I'm just wondering why it's so hard, I just wish he cared, I wish he loved me too, even though that wasn't the wish he asked about, even though it kind of was.

I need to make my bed, I need to go to sleep, I need to wake up and have a great day tomorrow but I just can't get past tonight where I feel incredibly alone and I wish he realized that and said the right things, but see, that's my problem, I expect him to be who he isn't. So maybe if I accept myself and I accept that no guy will be that guy that I set up for myself in those lonely nights, the guy that my guy actually sometimes is, I'll accept him, even though I already have, because I love him and he doesn't love me and if that isn't love then what is?

I'm happy, I have a great life, I have a great boyfriend, I love him. We're all bound to have bad nights, right? I've just been having more than enough lately, but that means a bunch of good nights are coming my way. Tonight could be a good night if I'd let it, if I'd stop worrying, I worry too much that I'm doing things wrong but that's so silly because it's love, how can anyone do anything wrong? So I'll start believing I'm doing right and it's right and God really is on my side because Valentine's Day is a Tuesday this year, which is perfect.

So really, I'm happy, and you can disregard everything I said up there, except for the parts about being happy and God.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Sometimes I think I can chart my life by what I worry about in the dark of night.

Something special is bound to happen.

Something sad is bound to happen.

Something terrible is bound to happen.

Something frustrating is bound to happen.

Something amazing is bound to happen.

Everyone searches for their own private miracle.
We all search for something supernatural,
or incredible,
or unexpected and welcomed.

What most don't realize is
that God gives us a miracle every day.
It's called waking up.

It's called family,
it's called friends.
It's called food and pillows
and limbs and words
and senses and nature
and teddy bears.
It's called books and clothes
and showers and paper.


There's this book I read every now and then,
It's called "Before I Fall."
[Somehow, it's 480 pages are so much easier and quicker to read than the 149 pages of the book I'm supposed to read.]
It's poetry.
It's poetry in the way that life is poetry,
in the way that life is a miracle.

It makes me laugh and smile and cry and
want to live life to every potential
before I wake up dead.
It makes me appreciate what I have
and realize that it's more than most.
It makes me want to meet myself.

Now, anyone who is up this late reading this,
I challenge you to go to sleep
and wake up, knowing it's the most beautiful day
you've had yet.

After all, if you expect to never wake up again, every morning is a wonderful surprise.
Make the most of it.

love, Laura.