Friday, December 31, 2010

Goodbye to a Most Wonderful Year.

This year, I've changed.  Not in January.  I was stupid in January.  It started in February.  February tested my strength and my courage, and showed me who my real friends were.  March was better.  A new love was introduced to my life, but I played it cool.  April was beautiful.  One of the best friendships burned brightest through April and May.  May.  The last day of May was my very first kiss.  May began beautifully and then suddenly it was not.  June.  June was spent getting back to the normality of my life, as was July, until the end.  The end of July, my world changed again.  August.  August was beautiful.  Then September came and with it, some heartbreak.  I lost my love and I had no one.  October.  I broke my foot, and found a friend to help me with the memories of September.  In November, both my foot and my heart were nearly completely healed.  And finally December.  December has brought strange feelings.  Some nostalgia, some happiness, and much anticipation.  Finally, I've realized that exes can still be friends.  So here's cheers to a beautiful year and much excitement for another.  Cheers for how someone can change in one short year of their life.  Cheers to the many realizations and epiphanies and new friendships and old heartbreaks and reliving the past and looking forward to the future.  Cheers, everyone.

1. Be happy.
2. Find love.
3. Dance more.
4. Have more courage.
5. Hang on to friendships.
6. Keep my room cleaner.
7. Share smiles.
8. Become who I want to be.
9. Help people.
10. Love.

Happy New Years, everyone.  I love you guys so much!

Love, StarFish.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

and sometimes, the right person says the right things. <3

Love is not always a bad thing, nor is it always a romantic thing.  In fact, it is never love that hurts you, it's the things that often come with love- rejection, loneliness, etc-that hurt.  Keep your mind and heart and MOST importantly, soul, open to love and you'll find it in places you wouldn't expect and not always how you expect it.  Keep that in mind, my friends.
Love StarFish.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I've been absent.

I watched my wisdom teeth come out, and didn't blog about it.  I watched Christmas pass and didn't blog about it.  Funny, I've been checking on my blog a lot, at least twice a day as if I expect a new post.  As if I wasn't the writer.  Well I am.  And I'm back now.
I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas.  I did.  I gained my one true love.  A beautiful, beautiful camera named Charlie.  He has a brother [brother in the sense that Stevie is my sister.] that belongs to Stevie named Franco.  It excited me.  I love Charlie so very much.  I also just love the name Charlie.
I wonder what Blaze is doing.  It's weird to think that he still exists outside of my world.  I think that's what happened.  He pushed me out of his world and forgot I still exist on the outside. But, I do.  He's probably playing minesweeper while listening to his old records in his room in the basement.  How creepy of me.  I am over him, I promise.  It's just weird to me.  It's just weird that we could once be each other's world and then suddenly I'm forgotten on the outside of his.  And he is fine.  I'm fine too.  Sort of.  Not as fine as him.  He's completely forgotten me.  He didn't have his heart broken.  It is so NOT FAIR that I could die.  But really, what is fair?
I thought something somewhat intelligent and poetic earlier.  It was:

Sometimes, the right person says the wrong things.  Or just doesn't say the right things.
Sometimes, the wrong person says the right things and then it ends up biting you in the butt.
but Sometimes,
No one says anything.  At all.

This is the truth, if you ask me.  Right now, Braedon [the right person] is saying everything I don't want him to say and not saying everything I do.  It's times like these that I miss Blaze the most, because somehow he always knew exactly what I needed to hear.  Don't get me wrong, I love Braedon, he's wonderful.  But he just. . . I dunno.  It just isn't the same.  I am over Blaze.  I am and I know it.  That doesn't mean that I don't stop thinking about him.  You never stop thinking about the first person, or any person really, to break your heart.  And Blaze, with his endless promises and forevers, truly and completely screwed me over.

braedon: I do understand. but the best you can do is to have fun anyway.  The moment when you can look in their face with your head held high and not care of a single thing, is when you are truly over them.  Not when you dont want to see them or obsess about their actions.

How do I even reply?  I don't even know how.  It made me burst into the tears that have been threatening me for the past hour.  I am over him romantically but I'm not over the memories or the nostalgias.  I wanted more than anything to say, "Please just stop, can't you see this is hurting me?  I don't want to be told that I am obsessing over him [even though technically I am] and I don't want to be told that my strength and independance is a lie [which condenses into, you're not over him].  Just comfort me and tell me it will all be okay."  But I stopped at, "just stop, can't you see...ugh." even though I know at one point he'll read this.  All I want, all I've wanted for like this whole day or week or month, is to be told, "You are one of the best people I know and I love you."  I just want to not be the first person to text or the first person to say "I love you".  I know what I sound like.  I do and it's terrible but it's the truth.  I just don't want to cry anymore, I want to be held and comforted and loved again but no.

Do you see what I mean when I say sometimes the right people say the wrong things?  I love Braedon.  He's been there for me more than I deserve.  In fact I just don't deserve him as a big brother in general.  He is in every way the right person to cheer me up and he's done it countless times before.  But he's unwittingly said all the wrong things to me tonight, all the things that twist themselves deep into my soul and whisper, "you aren't good enough."  and all those things will stay rooted in my soul all night and all the pain will come out as saltwater.  And then my nice clean pillowcase will be drenched and stained yet again.

I know I obsess over him.  But I obsess over everything and everyone.  Just a little extra for him because of everything that's happened.

Life is so unfair.  In almost every way.

Well, at least I have my Charlie.
Love, StarFish.

PS. I don't see how saying the right thing is so hard.  I'm remarkably easy to cheer up if you know the right words.  Which I think he should by now.  He's used them, he knows them.  Ugh.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

the snow keeps falling faster.

My little brother announced today at the dinner table that Santa Claus is one of his heroes.
It pained me to think that someday he'll grow up and learn that his hero is make-believe.

I think Blaze was my Santa Claus.
yes. i did actually say his name. something i haven't done in a while.

I believed in us so much.  I believed that somehow we would last forever no matter what anyone said.  I even believed that he would be my very first prom date just like he was my first kiss, my first love.  I believed that nothing could ever come between us.  I believed him when he said his forevers meant forever.
I have grown up since I learned that he didn't love me.  I didn't want to ever grow up.  I wanted to stay frozen in our summer until the world ended.
but times change and people change.
I didn't want to grow up but I did because I had to.


dizzy is a word that has many definitions.

dizzy can mean you're in love.
dizzy can mean you're recently broken up.
dizzy can mean you're sick with a sinus infection too.

my head is dizzy because pain is circling one way and thoughts are circling the other way.
my feet are dizzy because when your head is dizzy you can't actually walk straight.
my eyes are dizzy from trying to look at everything at once.
my thoughts are dizzy because they are circling through the same things.
my fingers are dizzy because my hands are shaky.
my heart is dizzy from falling down too much.

i love being dizzy from spinning.

i don't love being dizzy from sickness.

love starfish.

i am good at wasting time.

a poem called not.

can't you see my hands shaking?
can't you see my head pounding?

can't you hear my breath shutter?
can't you hear my dizzy footsteps?

somewhere, in the back of my mind, i believe that a
hug from a true love that i
haven't actually met will make this
sickness of the mind
go away. but i am not that lucky
because i don't actually know who

and even if i did
he wouldn't be here

but i am fine.
there is no reason for
the silent tears i am not crying

don't you remember calling yourself

love, starfish.

A Hazing of the Mind.


a strong feeling or emotion toward something or someone

love the ocean
love each other

a loving heart can hold so much

love the planet

dont call love stupid
dont regret love
dont take love for granted

love yourself

love, sf

Friday, December 10, 2010

An Apology.

To all it may concern:

I am beyond sorry for what I said in my "Love is Love" post.
Well, scratch that, I'm not sorry for what I said because I am not sorry for saying what I believe.  But I am deeply sorry for offending any of you or your religion.  That was not my intent though I know now that that is what it seems.  I was simply trying to make my opinion heard.  I shouldn't've said what I did about the Mormon church when I didn't fully understand exactly what they believe.  I know now that they believe that loving the same sex is a temptation sent from the Devil.  I still can't comprehend this seeing as studies really have shown that it is a chemical released in the brain.  No one can help it.
I know that this won't make any difference to anyone's belief, but I just thought I would say it anyway.
I really am sorry for any harm I may've caused to anyone.  That was not what that post was for.  I won't delete it because this blog is about my opinions and beliefs.  It is about my life.  I am sorry to all of you, though.

Love, StarFish.