The truth, bare and unchanged.

Brushing my teeth,

thinking about it all,

then starting to bawl.

 

That is my life.

 

 

Yes, I miss it.

Ballet, I mean.

It's been about five weeks and I've said it feels good to have the extra time but I'm just now noticing no, it isn't.

I miss it so much that I cry,

and maybe I don't want to be told I don't care enough anymore.

If I didn't care, don't you think I'd be there instead of here?

Sorry, I was going to not be vague here, but it's hard.

It's almost one in the morning and tomorrow's a school night,

and it's been a fine day,

but it hasn't been a fine week

and it hasn't been a fine five weeks

and I'm just crying because of it.

I'm just crying.

I'm crying because he still cares but we can't anymore,

we just can't. We can't.

We haven't let go but we have to, we have to.

I've held on so long,

but that's because he cares and he cares so much

and I need someone to care about me

and I need to not need someone to care about me

but I don't know how

and I'm just crying. I'm just crying.

 

I just want to go back to Ballet.

I want to go back to when I first got my pointe shoes

and I didn't know what it was like to be loved

and what it was like to have to learn to let go

 

and it's a good thing I can type without looking

because I can't even see the screen anymore

 

I'm a ballerina, really, please, aren't I?

love always, laura elizabeth



Junioritis and First-Couple-Months-Of-Schoolitis.

My name is Laura, and I am struggling with Junioritis

[hi, Laura.]

It started when I was in sixth grade and got En Pointe and realized I am fully in love with Ballet, and it started when I decided acting was something I should be good at in seventh grade, and it started when my mom put me in the ALL program in fifth grade so that I'll forever have high expectations of myself, and it started when I got a job.

 

 

Look, I can't be Addy, much as I'd like to. I just can't.

And for another thing, maybe I am still the same as I was in sixth grade, in a way. I mean, yeah. I look and dress a lot better and I like boys a lot more. But I'm still on the line of inside and outside for most things. I'm no one's first choice of a bed partner for Shakespeare, I'm no one's first choice for a dance. I'm no one's first choice to cover their shift at work. I'm no one's first choice to do homework with or sing with or listen to or be around. The only place I'm first is in Kelsey's book, but that's a shelf just as full as mine.

So I'm not going to be the wordy, high bunned girl with perfect eyelashes and great style and huge intelligence that hides behind a high voice. I'm not going to be the girl that has her own style and can crump like no one's business. I'm not going to be the hair with the huge hair and even bigger heart, or the girl he took to Homecoming, or the girl with beautiful eyes and beautiful hair and has a chance with Teddy like I never did. I can't be any of you and I can't want to anymore, because that more than anything is what's burning me out this year. I need to stop killing myself over these feelings of not fitting in anymore and just find a way like I did last year, because I did and it was beautiful.

And you know what? Maybe I will ask him to a dance. Maybe I'll ask both of them to a dance and maybe they'll have fun and be glad I did.

love always, laura elizabeth.