Thursday, January 27, 2011

After every bridge I've been over, I went back and burned it. No going back for me.

Have you ever thought about life?
About how incredibly amazing it is to be alive?
How incredibly amazing it is that you're ALIVE and that you're LIVING and you were given LIFE?
and even though it's designed to be hard, it's still YOURS?
well these feelings hit me every now and then.
Like today when I was walking up the steps of my studio [after dropping after my dance bag] with my pointe shoes in one hand and my technique shoes in the other hand and I had just left the room where a bunch of mom's were sitting on the couch watching their little tykes do karate in the other room and I wondered if I was real to them.
...that was a long sentence....
Which was when I thought about being real to anyone else.  I mean first of all, the people I do sorta know.  Like we say hi in the hallways but they don't know much of my life.  Do they think of me having a life?  Having emotions?  Crying?
And what about the people I don't know at all?  I'm naturally a people watcher, so I wonder about people's lives.  Do other people watchers wonder about mine when they see me?  What do they think my life consists of?  How much can they tell from my face, the way I walk, the way I smile, when I smile, when I frown, where I look and how I dress?
then I wondered how often I'm right about other people's lives.  I didn't spend too long on this thought.
Somehow all this thinking led me to my own life.  How much do I actually know of my life?  I know my side of things, but what do other people think when I send them a text or say hi?  What are they thinking when they see my face?  Why do they say what they say?  What do they not say purposefully?
How often do they not say something purposefully?
did that make any sense?

or am I just crazy?
ah well, all the best people are, i suppose--
love, starfish.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Being over you and having you not be influencing my life [or at least the things you've done influencing my life] are unfortunately two very different things.

Remember last June, when the week before you went to EFY was the week that you decided the flame of our love would be ignited, so you kiss me?  And you promised and promised that nothing would change when you went to EFY.  You promised that no matter what your feelings wouldn't change.  We would make it through the five days without talking to each other and come out on the other side perfectly fine and still in love.  You promised.
Of course, the freakin Monday of that week Sarah texted me [through Courtney's phone] that Blaze had been flirting with her all week.  I mean you had told me that you sorta still liked her but it was nowhere near how much you loved me, but you never told me you were telling her you loved her and that you were sending her the same dumb love songs we sent each other.  I thought, I'll just talk to him when he gets back I guess but then I got a text saying he liked Sarah more.
Needless to say, that crushed me.
I spend the week nursing my broken heart with Stevie, who spend nearly every night with me.  Worst idea:  watching Alice in Wonderland, which I watched with him [and some other people] while holding his hand.  Best idea: watching Step Up.  If it has to do with dance, it'll help me.
Thanks to that instance, I am always freaked out when people don't talk to me, when they randomly stop talking to me.  I always think that somehow their feelings changed no matter what they said and they don't like me anymore or they think I'm boring.  Or they just don't like me anymore.  That's my deepest, deepest fear, especially with people like Braedon...  I have this whole internal conversation in my head that usually goes something like this:

He's probably just busy.
what if he isn't?
Braedon wouldn't do that to me.  He's probably just shielding me from a bad mood or learning a new guitar song or something.  Shut up.
But what if he saw the last thing you said and decided you were boring, and that he didn't want to talk to you anymore?
But. . .he wouldn't. . .
Wouldn't he?  Remember Blaze?  You were certain with him too and look where that got you.
He's told me a few times that he loves talking to me!
Only because you get all insecure with him and he's tired of your whining and he wants to shut you up.  Plus, Blaze claimed to love you.
Stop comparing Braedon to Blaze!
But you know you're thinking it too.
shut up. . .please. . .
See?  You know I'm right.
I'm just going to text him and see if he's busy or what.
Do you know how easy it'd be to lie to you about that?  And plus, haven't you bothered him enough?
I need to know!

So I proceed to text Braedon feeling stupid and needy and insecure and he texts back with a totally legitimate reason and I feel stupid and I want to scream for having that stupid little voice in  my head.  I just want to scream!

I want what happened with Blaze to stop affecting my friendship with Braedon.  I shouldn't let myself compare the two because they couldn't be more different.  I hate feeling so pathetic and insecure.  I want to be self-assured.  But I'm just not.  I've tried.

I hate this.
and I hate blaze for doing this to my mind.

Well, even if I am crazy, I still love you.  Especially you.
Love, StarFish.

Because in the end, love is what gets me through the day.

I like the fact that I don't care anything for him nowadays.  He deletes me from that list of "friends" he has on facebook?  That's fine.  The only reason I didn't delete him was because I wanted him to be able to look through every single picture people will take of me and remember what he'll never have again.  Like the way at dances I'll search him out with a couple friends and then dance and laugh close by so that he'll see I'm having a great time without him.  The great thing is that when I did that at the New Year's Eve dance, Trace came and put his arm around me.  Which is classic Trace, of course.  I know it was because of our oldish friendship.  But Mr. "this is why no one likes talking to you" doesn't know that, does he?
A song I love, go look it up, the remix version--

Perfect Two [by Auburn. and some guy. Remix. remember.]

You can be the peanut butter to my jelly,
you can be the butterflies I feel in my belly,
you can be the captain and I can be the first mate
and you can be the chills I feel on our first day.
You can be the superhero and I can be the sidekick,
you can be the tears that I cry if we ever split,
you can be the rain from the clouds when it's stormin',
or you can be the sun when it shines in the mornin'.
don't know if I could ever be,
without you 'cause boy you complete me.
And in time I know we'll both see,
that we're all we need
'Cause you're the apple to my pie
you're the straw to my berry,
you're the smoke to my high
and you're the one I wanna marry.
'Cause you're the one for me [for me]
and I'm the one for you [for you]
take the both of us [of us]
and we're the perfect two.
we're the perfect two,
we're the perfect two
baby me and you,
we're the perfect two.
You can be the lyrics and I can be the melody,
you can be the second voice and I can be your harmony.
 You can be the angel that I see in my dreams
you can be the chocolate that's on my ice cream.
You can be the sweet and I can be sour,
you can come here any second and leave any hour,
you can be a rose or any given flower,
and I can be your rain if you need a shower.
Don't know if I could ever be,
without 'cause girl you complete me,
and in time I know we can both see,
that we're all we need..
'Cause you're the apple in my eye,
you're the holly to my berry,
you're the smoke to my high,
and you're the one I wanna marry.
'Cause you're the one for me, [for me]
and I'm the one for you [for you]
take the both of us [of us]
and we're the perfect two.
we're the perfect two,
we're the perfect two
baby me and you,
we're the perfect two.
You know that I'll never doubt ya
and you know that I think about ya
you know I can't live without ya
I love the way that you smile
and maybe in just a while,
I can see me walk down the aisle
'Cause you're the apple to my pie,
you're the straw to my berry,
you're the smoke to my high,
and you're the one I wanna marry.
'Cause you're the one for me, [for me]
and I'm the one for you [for you]
take the both of us [of us]
and we're the perfect two.
we're the perfect two,
we're the perfect two
baby me and you,
we're the perfect two.

Now if only I could find a guy who likes to sing.  And likes me.  I don't know which would be harder.
A mention to people I love--
**Kelsey. For being herself and being there for me and staying after for ceramics with me and being so pretty and lovely.
**Zak.  For checking my blog dilligently and basically being the reason I made this post.  And the reason I drag myself through the beginning of my A Days.
**Braedon.  For putting up with me.  And calling me.  And being not asleep with me.  Pretty much every night.
**Kelsi.  For just being awesome.
**Janessa.  For being such a great blogger.  And one of my favoritest friends. :)
**Collin.  For making me not dread Biology in the mornings.
**Zak, again, because he's the only person I flirt constantly with and it's just fun to flirted with and to flirt.
**Sarah.  For just talking to me and understanding and giving me hope.
****************all of my friends because they help me and I love them!

Lots of Love,

PS.  I have a really strange but huge infatuation with socks.  But only crazy and colorful socks.  That I mismatch.  I got new socks today.  They contributed a lot to the fact that I'm more or less happy right now.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

funny how the "bad memories" were once classified as the "really really amazing memories".

Life isn't fair.  Everyone knows that.  It has an excuse of keeping things interesting.

But you aren't life.  You didn't have an excuse to not be fair.

Blaze, I'm over you.  I've used the words, "that boy is dead to me" a few times now when people ask about how I'm doing in terms to you.  I don't want you to be dead.  But I don't really care to talk to you anymore.  Which is fine for you, since I found out I'm annoying and a pain to talk to.  But contrary to what you said, not everyone thinks I'm annoying to talk to.  Just fyi.
Look.  You never had to hurt me.  I remember the night where you came up on facebook chat [we hadn't been texting because I lost my phone, remember? it ended up being in my shoe.] and you said hey.  You said. hey.  Not, hey (: or hey! or hey i love you. . .or anything like I had gotten used to over the summer.  No, this hey. was what I had gotten used to since about a week into school.  When you talked to me.  Which wasn't often.  Warning sign numero uno.
My emotion level was running high.  Tension was rolling off of both of us, in different ways.  You were acting like nothing was wrong until you said:  Would you consider us to be in an open relationship?
I said, not really. . .because I didn't!  Not with his forevers or our supposed love.  None of it pointed to an open relationship.  Then he said something that made my blood turn cold: Can it be?
My heart was screaming, NOOOOOOOO!! and my head was whispering, i told you so... but my fingers wrote, why?
He said it was nothing.  He said it was because he was naturally flirty around other drama geeks and he didn't want to have to feel bad when he said something somewhat flirty to someone in his productions class.  He tried to continue manipulating me into staying his, as I'm now beginning to realize I was, his makeout buddy.  I hesitantly agreed with what he was saying, pretending I bought it, but inside I was thinking,
If you really love me as much as you said you did, why would you even want to be flirting with other girls?
Of course, I didn't know this was exclusively Sarah at the time.  That of course would've made it worse.  But on with the story.
Next thing I knew, I checked your profile and it said [and I even switched back from pirate language to be sure I understood] you were now in an "open relationship".
That. Hurt.
I said:
you switched to in an open relationship. . .
You said:
well isn't that what we are now?
no. no. nonononononNO.
I thought, i cant do this anymore.
I said, I can't do this anymore.
I said a whole lot of other crap.  About how I still loved you but I just didn't feel like you loved me back anymore and that you didn't really care about the relationship anymore.  I made sure to get the point across that if your feelings changed back then I would still be around [thinking, this will happen in a week or two of not having me].
He said,
wait, you're breaking up with me?
I said a whole lot more crap about how I still loved you and I just didn't feel like you cared enough anymore, etc.
you said,
then you logged off.

did one single freakin tear drop off your stupid face that night?  Or were your thoughts on Sarah again, glad to be rid of any distraction?  Do you realize how much that conversation killed me?

if so, do you even care?

Blaze, I loved you.  For some time I know you loved me too.
why wasn't I good enough?
from Laura.

PS.  Braedon gave me a hug through a stuffed animal.  It brought tears to my eyes.  He's never made me cry from sadness and you've never made me cry from love. Thank God we don't talk anymore.

and to all of my other readers,
Love StarFish.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Secret Six.

I wanted to say something else but I don't know what to say about that certain thing so I'll just share another secret.

She Will Be Loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself

He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved x4

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all

Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved x4

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

This song, for some reason, has always meant something really special to me.  I've always wanted it to be. . .well I've always wanted it to come on and some beautiful boy immediately thinks of me.  I don't know. . . Maybe it's selfish or stupid but, I don't know.  I want it to be special to someone because of me.  Maybe. . .I just want to be special to someone period.  Hmpf.

Well, for what it's worth,
lots and lots of love,

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so make some use of it.

Have you noticed I really love to make long titles?

It's true though.  Today was the only January 12, 2011 that there ever was and ever will be and I danced through it.  Quite literally.  Dance is kinda my life, which means since my foot is healed I can get on with my life.  This may or may not be connected with the fact that I don't update my blog all too often anymore.  I'll work on it.

Now that I finally have a beautiful camera [Charlie] all to myself, I'm seeing photo oppurtunities everywhere. Which is fantastic.  Right now, I'm laying on the ground by the fireplace, staring at my headband and thinking about what an interesting view I have of it.  No doubt tomorrow I will go put it in the snow and throw some strawberries or something by it and take some fabulous picture that everyone else will think is pointless.  But I won't, so who cares what they think?

In case you haven't noticed, this post isn't really about anything.  It's me getting out my fingers' anxiety of staying still for far too long on a keyboard.  Somehow they're making words but I'm afraid that the sentences these words make don't fall together like poetry.

Boys. . .will be boys.  But that's no excuse.

And some of my photography:

now a lot of pictures. :)
lots and lots and lots of love,