Mantras.

"I don't have a hard life. I am happy. I don't have a hard life. I am happy. I don't have a hard life. I am happy."

"How ironic how ironic how ironic how ironic how ironic."

"Don't let me go. Don't let me go. Don't let me go. Don't let me go."

Because I really don't have a hard life and I really am happy and it doesn't have to be ironic.

Look, guys, it isn't really his fault, he jokes, that's who he is, and that's how I like him. I like him, I love him, how he is. But I'd love it even more if I thought he really cared.

See, that was a stupid sentence, because I know he cares, I saw that last night. I'm insecure and I'm broken but I ought to believe the little voice more often, I ought to believe my brain or my heart--I'm not yet sure which says what, but I ought to believe the more optimistic one--because even though he might not love me, I love him, and that's enough, right? But it'd be really great if I thought he cared.

Look how crazy I am, just earlier I was saying, "stop making drama for yourself, stop disbelieving, just take it as it is and stop questioning it" and now I'm just wondering why it's so hard, I just wish he cared, I wish he loved me too, even though that wasn't the wish he asked about, even though it kind of was.

I need to make my bed, I need to go to sleep, I need to wake up and have a great day tomorrow but I just can't get past tonight where I feel incredibly alone and I wish he realized that and said the right things, but see, that's my problem, I expect him to be who he isn't. So maybe if I accept myself and I accept that no guy will be that guy that I set up for myself in those lonely nights, the guy that my guy actually sometimes is, I'll accept him, even though I already have, because I love him and he doesn't love me and if that isn't love then what is?

I'm happy, I have a great life, I have a great boyfriend, I love him. We're all bound to have bad nights, right? I've just been having more than enough lately, but that means a bunch of good nights are coming my way. Tonight could be a good night if I'd let it, if I'd stop worrying, I worry too much that I'm doing things wrong but that's so silly because it's love, how can anyone do anything wrong? So I'll start believing I'm doing right and it's right and God really is on my side because Valentine's Day is a Tuesday this year, which is perfect.

So really, I'm happy, and you can disregard everything I said up there, except for the parts about being happy and God.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Today is Paul.

Because one day, inevitably, you'll realize that there's nothing left to say or do and your best friend has a boyfriend and even though you know it's stupid you feel like he's taking over her life which is ridiculous because you did the same thing to her the summer before and you curled your hair but no one will see it and your dad was only home for four days and you miss him terribly again and the couple guys that you love and would rely on to cheer you up or make you feel better suddenly don't seem to like talking to you or are too busy to ever make plans or text and you feel like you're breaking down more than your three year old phone or your nine year old refrigerator and you text a bunch of people that you love to talk to and only one texts back, and not for very long and you're in such an upset mood that you're writing some terrible run-on sentence that would only make sense to the person who wrote it, but you STILL don't understand any of it because nothing in your life is really making sense anymore and you just want to be held.

And then you remember you have a bike with a basket and a library in biking distance.  As long as there's books, you remember you'll never be alone.

Pretty sure someday I'll be married to a book.  They're the only ones that are always there for me, and they're the only ones that are predictable and comfortable and would never let me down or cancel our plans.  It's almost like they exist purely to be there for me.  Plus I trust them.

It's rather unfortunate that the qualities of my books are ten notches above nearly all the people I know.

And you realize your three best friends are all busy and can't talk or swing by and you wish that you had a boyfriend to come and make everything better and you know that tomorrow your nanny will ask if you're okay and you will feel stupid because it's just a passing feeling that will be gone by the time she asks and besides there's only a few people that could truly make you feel better in the moment but you know that it will never happen and it just depresses you more.

I'll see you all tomorrow.

love, laura.

ps. then you realize you haven't named your stupid pity post and decide to call it paul because of your best friend who's with her boyfriend.

Melancholy is a father who works five states away.

sigh.

"pull me closer, tiny dancer
count the headlights on the highway
lay me down in sheets of linen"

that song will forever remind me of my childhood.

love, your daughter.