Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Messy, Messy, Messy.

I'm sorry to have left you in the dark this past month - in fact I'm surprised it's been a whole month but I am also surprised it's only been one month. I've always played with the idea of time relativity, but this summer has stretched my original notions of it further than any other experience or period of time in my life. For example, Jesse and I broke up on Wednesday, May 13th. It's been exactly seven weeks, or almost two months. I feel like I have PTSD, I feel okay most of the day but something triggers and I fall into depression and I miss him, miss him, miss him, and my friends say, "it's okay, Laura, it's hardly been any time at all, it's going to take a while" and I just want to scream because every single day has felt like such a battle, you know? How is it already July? How is it only July?
Not to mention, I've managed to inadvertently make a guy (David) fall for me; a truly fantastic guy that under any other circumstances or with different timing, I would be thrilled to fall into something with. But with my insides as messy as they are right now, I can't even think of opening myself up to someone else... But he makes such a good distraction, and holding him is as close to holding Jesse as I'm allowed to get, and in my weakest moments I have to fight myself to not go knock on David's door and let him comfort me. I've told him so many times that he deserves to be more than a rebound, and he knows that, but he says "whatever you want our relationship to be, I'm just happier when you're in my life" and I truly don't know what to do. I know it's not an easy fix and there's nothing I can actively do to move on, and I'm supposed to "relish" in my sadness and learn to appreciate how "exquisite" and "unique" it is (these are notions I read about when I googled "how to be ok"). But my personality leans so much more on just saying, "yeah, how exquisite that I can feel so much. How amazing that I could care for someone so much that this is how it feels now that I don't have him. Could I please stop feeling it now?"
I've been sad, but I've also been happy. I don't know exactly what the ratio is, but I would say it's about 50/50... Perhaps even 65/35, heavy on the happy side. I don't know. When I'm happy, I'm happy, but when I'm sad, I'm very, extremely, heart-wrenchingly sad. So even though I would say I spend more of my day happy than sad, it still feels much heavier on that 35%. Sadness is such a weight. I know I've been sad before, but I've been trying to figure out if it's ever been this heavy before. My heart is a deadweight in my chest, either silent or pounding so loudly I instinctively check for a passing car with their windows down. How exquisite! How unique!
Like every good cliché, I see memories everywhere. He introduced me to Electronic Dance Music, which I now love, so all of my favorite artists were also his and of course that means when I listen to music, I think of how we used to listen to it together. When I go to Taco Bell, I think of how back in the day when we were just starting to talk, I brought him tacos in the library while he studied; that was the first time we ever hugged and I realized what a great height he is. When I'm in David's room at the Pike fraternity house, I think of how on New Year's Eve I hid in that same closet to call Jesse in California and wish him a happy New Year. When I drive to Bri's house, I have to take the same route I used to take daily to Jesse's; that's a small torture in itself. I've used the term "drowning in memories" a few times this past month because it adequately explains why sometimes my throat contracts with no warning and I choke.
AND THEN I THINK OF HIM KISSING OTHER GIRLS, not mentioning that I've kissed other boys, AND IT LITERALLY TEARS AT MY INSIDES LIKE NOTHING I'VE EVER FELT BEFORE. Because when I kissed those other guys, three to be exact, it felt like I was going through the motions; I felt no fire and no passion, just a slightly enjoyable shadow of a feeling I used to have every single day. But what if for him, it's different?
When we "broke up", he promised we would get back together again someday. Last week, he said, "I still love you to death but I could never be with you again". Unfortunately I know which one is more likely, but I can't quash that little voice at the very bottom of my heavy heart that says, "but maybe in a few years..." How dare he promise. How dare I let him. Even now, I know being in a relationship with him (or anyone else) would be very harmful to my psyche in its healing condition, but I still think "what if we let something happen just for a night?" and I know that if he asked, I would go in a heartbeat.
It's due to those little thoughts that I have told all of my friends that if we are to see Jesse, we must turn around and run away without any misgivings. Despite this, I hope to run into him everywhere I go.
Sadness is important. It's healthy to miss someone. Nostalgia is key. But I would really rather stop feeling so much, please.
love, laura

Monday, May 18, 2015

On How To Be Okay.

For a long time, I thought blogging was somewhat narcissistic. Like, here's my life and how I feel about it, now read it and care about it. But I kept doing it because it makes me feel good for some inexplicable reason; in my last post, I even said I didn't want to try to figure it out because right now, more than ever, I just want to feel good. Well, it was in the quest for happiness that I think I've figured it out.

Today has not been easy for me. The best way to describe it is that sometimes, I'm very okay with where I am and where it is in relation to my future. Sometimes, I'm not okay because of where I am and where it is in relation to my expectations of the future. Sometimes, though, I'm not okay because I just don't want to be okay. And that's okay, too. That being said, the first half of this day was spent with me not being okay because I didn't want to be okay, not yet. I know I don't need Jesse, that's never been a question. I can exist and I can have happy times without him, this has already been proven to me. But today, I didn't want that to be okay with me because I want to have happy times with him, too. I want it all. I want everything to work out. I want him. I was spiraling down into being not okay and missing him, and missing him, and missing him more.

As it always does, this wave of sadness passed, mostly because I'm learning how to control them better. I find that losing myself into someone else's journey of healing and self-discovery has been the most helpful for me when I'm feeling not okay and not wanting to pull myself out of it. More explicitly, I read "Eat Pray Love", a wonderful book that I recommend to everyone and anyone who asks. It was during one of these therapeutic sessions with Elizabeth (the author) that I suddenly realized why blogging is such an incredible thing.

The best way to describe it is that as a society, it's become difficult for people to admit publicly how highly they think of themselves. We take selfies, find our favorites, edit them to get rid of any insecurities, and post them so that everyone knows how happy we are with the way we've cultivated ourselves to look. This lifestyle takes a great deal of critique; the "she posts a selfie every other day on Instagram, does she ever do anything actually worth posting a picture of, she loves herself way too much, etc" phrases that are thrown around like water off a dog. I myself am guilty of saying things like this, which is why I know it's so prevalent. However, I said these things before I learned how okay it is to love yourself endlessly. It was before I realized that there is a huge difference between narcissism and self-appreciation.

Nature is easy to appreciate because we don't have to put any work into it for it to be stunning. We don't even have to travel anywhere to see pictures of places and understand their beauty. Large cities are easy to appreciate because of just how much work we've put into them. Standing in the middle of the hustle and bustle of somewhere like New York City, you understand how many ideas, blueprints, and sweat it took to create such a fascinating place. As humans, we are both the body we have been given and the ways we've taken to cultivate it. We are stunning because of the miracle it took for intellectual thought as well as how much it takes for the human body to physically work the way it does. We are equally as stunning for the daily experiments we conduct on our lives; "What should I wear? How should I do my hair? How do I interact with others? How do I make a difference?" Every thing about our world is a work of art, and if we can recognize that in the other aspects of our life it's about time we recognize it in ourselves, too.
So, that's why I love blogging, along with all the other forms of social media. I love expressing myself. I love sharing myself with anyone who wants to be part of it, because I recognize the beauty in myself and the way I choose to live. It doesn't make me narcissistic or self-absorbed, because I don't think I'm perfect and I'm constantly trying to improve. But I've finally fully realized that the stage of life that I'm currently in is exactly where I should be, and every emotion I experience is a miracle because it's another expression of the divinity that resides within me. That's why it's okay to be okay and it's okay to not be okay and it's okay to be somewhere in between.

love laura

Friday, May 15, 2015

A Non-Explanation

I know this is the part where I apologize for not writing in so long and I try to fill you in on everything that's happened, but I'm just not going to, because it wasn't the time for blogging and now I guess it is again. That's all there is. I'll just say this: I had a boyfriend for the past five months or so, and as of last night I don't anymore. And something I've realized is: I don't owe anyone an explanation.

I cared for so long about what people would think if I said we broke up even though we plan on being together again, because I feel like that's one of those "taboo" things; the ex-girlfriend being devastated over giving up on a relationship that eventually she goes crawling back to it for the sake of normalcy and intimacy and familiarity. Every time I tell someone that I am newly single, I feel the need to rush and tell them that this isn't the case - we aren't together now because we want to be together later, we need to figure ourselves out, and all other sorts of explanations that are really just hours and hours of conversation between Jesse and me that I'm trying to condense into a single explanation as to why this breakup is only sort of a break up because I am still his. And then I want to make sure they know that this isn't one-sided, it wasn't just my idea but he is the one that pinky promised we would be together again, I'm not being the crazy ex-girlfriend that is in denial about letting go. I am still his. I am still planning on being his. We are not together now because we will be again someday soon. I repeat this like a mantra and while it is validated to me, it's not something I can fully articulate to others because they weren't there for all the hours he and I talked about this and refined the details and cried together. All they see is a girl in love with endless amounts of salt water drying on her cheeks, forcefully trying to convince her friends that this isn't a normal breakup as if she needs convincing herself. Well, I don't need to convince myself.

You don't owe anything to anyone. The very first priority in your life is YOU. Do what's best for you, and if trying to explain things is detrimental to your ability to be okay with those things, then stop trying to explain them. Everyone wants details. Everyone wants the whole story, everyone wants to be in the know because everyone wants to add it to their own personal life experience. But none of them will fully understand because none of them have lived it. Sometimes it helps to talk about things and sometimes it helps to be distracted from things. I've talked and talked and talked about this thing, I've spun it in circles and doubted it and defined it and re-defined it, I've put restrictions on it then gotten rid of them and then had them reinstated. I know this thing inside and out. I don't need to talk about it. And I don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks about it because it's what's right for me, my future, and the person I love; it wasn't created for or by anyone else but us.

So I know everyone who finds out that we are not currently together will want to know the details, because if I were in their shoes I would want to know too. But this is my official statement, this is me reminding myself more than anyone else that I don't owe any explanations and I don't need to care what anyone thinks. As to why this is a blog post and not a journal entry, well. I could try to figure out why it feels so much better to put this on the internet rather than hide it away and I could remind myself that not everyone needs to know how I feel or what I think, but I don't want to analyze any more. Writing it as a post instead of entry makes me feel good. Knowing it's out there for the world to read rather than my eyes only makes me feel good (even though my estimated number of readers of this post is three or four). And, whatever. Do what makes you feel good.

So, let this be your explanation. I had a boyfriend and now I don't.

love laura