Saturday, February 26, 2011

I had a really great post ready for all y'all but then it was deleted so now I'm just gonna forget about it till another day and say I'm it. Thanks Kelsie.

Like I said, I was going to start that thirty days thing but then my first post of it got deleted and now I'm upset so I'll do it again another day.  Also, Kelsie tagged me for this random fifteen facts about me thing.  I'm betting you all already knew most of these but maybe you'll learn something.  So here goes.

1.  I sometimes have deep thoughts.
2.  I only wear crazy, mismatched socks.
3.  I love color.
4.  I love english.
5.  I have a stuffed teddy bear that is red and his name is Valentine and I hug him to sleep every night.
6.  Almost every morning I wake up and I wonder what in the heck I did while I was sleeping.
6a.  I also always think, I should set up a video camera to see.  It also never happens, given that video cameras tend to run on batteries and batteries tend to not hold out very long.
7.  I've been in Ballet since I was two.  It's basically the love of my life.
8.  When I love a guy and he doesn't love me back, I tell everyone that I love him but make them swear not to tell him.
9.  My top three shows [not that I watch a lot...well lately I have been but only because all seven seasons are on netflix so...] are Psych, So You Think You Can Dance, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Not particularly in that order.
10.  I've always wanted to go to the moon.  And Australia.  And France.  And the Amazon.
11.  I love running barefoot, taking pictures, wearing tank tops, eating popsicles, going wherever I want whenever I want, having sleepovers every night with Stevie, biking to Kohlers and all around Highland, going to the playground, texting and staying up all night, short shorts, sunglasses, crazy necklaces, cute swimsuits, being tan, jumping on the tramp, climbing trees, playing night games, ordering pizza, fireworks, ice cream...  I love Summer.
12.  I believe in ghosts and God.  But neither of them in the way anyone expects.
13.  I have a pokemon name for everyone.
14.  I always have to step on the last step of stairs with my right foot.  Also, I have to step over cracks with my right foot.  Also, there are certain diamonds on our tiled floors that I can step on.  Even when I'm walking on carpet.
15.  For map tests, I make up little stories.  They usually have people I know in them.  For instance, one of them was once: Braedon's black car is [except with an a] okay because Laura killed Blaze.  But then there was another sea, the White Sea, so I had to add on wife.  I would never actually kill him. or his wife.  But I certainly remembered it.

These aren't the most important things about me.  They're just the first things that came to my mind.  I would think YOU guys are the ones who would think of stuff about me.  Anyway, now I'm going to tag people.  So hooray for you guys.

1.  Kelsey.
2.  Janessa.
3.  Addy.
4.  Dani.
5.  Tim.

Lots and lots and lots of Love,

Sunday, February 20, 2011 go. now!

i'll tell you what the end of the world will be like.

it will be a final moment, both terrible and heartbreaking. absolute chaos. people running as fast as they ever have, cars filling every road and freeway, phone lines backed up trying to process millions of calls, fingers flying over keyboards, thumbs texting like rapid fire, long lines of people trying to cram themselves into subways and airplanes. all of them trying to tell someone else,

"i love you."

it's not the end of the world yet, but don't wait until then to tell them. the worst thing isn't the end of the world. it's what you didn't finish - what you didn't say when you had the chance.

I wonder if anyone will recognize the letters I wrote?

Lots and lots of love--

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Found a beautiful quote and it's the focus of this post. Share it with everyone you know and let it affect you in everyway.

Let your smile change the world.
Don't let the world change your smile.

Love Laura.

Post Script:  I realize I didn't say anything about Valentine's Day.  That's because it was just another day.  Nothing what I'd hoped for, but certainly nothing that I feared.  Just a normal day.  Pushed my splits at dance, just about cried because of it.  Been kinda touchy lately.  Anyway.  Lots of love.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Please try to refrain from laughing, because I promise this post will turn heartfelt.

I've been watching Hannah Montana Forever for the past few days.  Just the final season and such.  Well I just watched the very very end ever.  I think. They keep doing that.
Anyway. . .it was like, Miley and Lilly splitting apart and Miley going to Paris for a movie and Lilly going off to Stanford and it kinda hit me.  Stevie and I, we only have what, a year and a half left?  We have such different dreams and ideas, not to mention the age and grade difference.
We only have a year and a half left.
I don't know, it just hit me.  I almost never get to see her, I don't have all too much time to even really think about her all too much, but I love her so much.  She's the best friend I've ever and ever will have.  The thought of her not living four doors away is. . .it's unthinkable.
When we were younger, us leaving for college. . . It was forever away.  We never had to think or worry about it.  But now the time is so short.  I mean, years fly.  Honestly, it feels like just yesterday that we were on the tramp pretending to be lions.  Or making the gnome club, then the dalast club, then the starlight wish club.  Walking home from kohlers, pretending we're runaways.  Getting those stupid ceramic masks and painting them.  The gingerbread houses we made that one time.  Going through Justin, then Andrew, I didn't know what was going on.  I was clueless.  Then I got to Blaze and suddenly I understood.
We grew up and our problems did too.  Our biggest issue is no longer me saying how amazing the sky is and her not caring.  Next year, it just seems so close.  We only have two summers left.  We're not the same people.  Will we see each other much after she goes to college?  Will we see each other much when I go to college?  When she was my age, she was certain of Yale.  I want to go to college in California.  What will change in the next two years?
Back then, biking to Kohlers was the most fun of our summer.  Now, Kohlers is still the most fun of our summer.  Even if we can't rely on the prices, we know there will always be a pizza stick and an ice cream cone waiting for us there.  And even if I can't always rely on Stevie living down the street, I know she'll always be somewhere out there.  And I know we will always be best friends.

How are we gonna do fun photoshoots when she's at COLLEGE?!
Love, Pika. <3
post script:  Miley and Lilly end up going to Stanford together because as Miley says, "There will be a million other world tours and movie offers, but I'll only get one chance to be at college with my best friend."
post post script:  I did cry during this episode.
post post post script:  I cried a lot writing this post.

Friday, February 4, 2011

A big heart shaped cookie and four red balloons.

Last night I was talking to Mitchell for the first time in a while and he randomly asked if I was okay.  I hadn't known anything seemed wrong in the way I texted but he said that I had changed.  He said I used to be so optimistic, and I'd always live by the rule, "Life is too short to be depressed so make it happy".  That got me thinking, when did I get to be such a downer?
Then tonight with Kelsey we yelled, "I whip my hair back and forth!" at each other and then fell over and then played with balloons and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed so so much and I had so much fun.  I can barely remember the times when I was always like that but needless to say I miss it.
So my new goal in life is to strive for happiness, no matter how dark the night is or how much the tears want to fall.  I will be happy again.
I don't like being such a downer all the time.  I want to be someone who makes people happy when I talk to them.  That's who I will be now.  I am going to be happy again.
I am a strong, independant, and beautiful person.
[thanks for that one, adds. :) ]

With so much love and happiness,

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Life Sucks. But you don't die. you get over it and get happy and you live. Don't listen to the people who say that stupid quote.

I'm a full believer in the thought that everyone has their "someone".  The person they think of when they're trying to go to sleep.  The person they really hug when they hug a stuffed animal.  It's not always romantic; it wasn't for me when my someone was Mitchell, a few years back.  It wasn't when it was Braedon about a year ago [or now].  My full list of someones is remarkably short:
I'm also a firm believer in the fact that I am indeed, no one's someone.  My someone, as I mentioned, is Braedon.  But I know I'm not his because he has a REAL someone, someone he feels those special feelings about and not just a strong friendship, like we do to each other.  So he's off the list.  I'm definitely, DEFINITELY not Blaze's someone, not anymore.  I don't talk to Mitchell enough.  And Zak has too many girls on his mind for my being one of them to be special.  It's fine.  Maybe I will be someday, if I don't die first.
I think about that thought almost constantly, almost obsessively.  What if I died tomorrow?  What if I died tonight?  What if I died the night before we open Fiddler?  What if I died right before the next time I hug my someone-or anyone, since he seems to be about the only person that hugs me nowadays?  What if?
Because of this I always try to make the last thing I say to anyone, whether it's before going to bed or the next period or home or wherever.  I try to make it nice, not, your face is funny. or something like that.  You know me.  I say weird things all the time.  But I try not to before saying goodbye just in case it's my last.

"Maybe tomorrow it will be better."

I say that.  But do I mean it?  Tomorrow I plan on making cookies.  I plan on riding the bus and singing songs and smiling and laughing as I always do.  I plan on reading in my empty time and then babysitting at six.  Maybe it will be better because my little girls/baby boy that I babysit love me.  Maybe it will be better because it's a friday.  Maybe it will be better because someone will talk to me [besides Kelsie.  But she kinda has to].  Today, I found out that if I didn't text anyone first, no one would talk to me.  Is this because, like Blaze said, no one likes talking to me?  Or do people simply forget about me until their phone reminds them?
I hate not being thought about.  I think about almost everyone I know whenever I'm not sleeping, and even in my dreams people I think about pop up.  I just wonder if it's so hard to return the favor.  But I can't force someone to think about me, and I'm losing hope anyone ever will on their own.

I lied.  One person did text me, all by herself.  And to ask me to hang out Saturday, which makes it better.  For that I appreciate our friendship even more than ever.
with much much love, especially to Miss Justyn,

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Honestly? February 2010 was basically the worst month of my life. That's about the only reason I keep being upset at nights.

February First.
Thus beginning the long road of, "Holy heavens to betsey that happened exactly one year ago where is my life going and why did that happen and why didn't I do this and why did he do that and why couldn't this have happened instead", etc.

List of Things I Do Because Of Other Things:
[because writing lists calms me down:]

1.  I bite my finger.  My left index finger usually.  I do this when I'm deep in thought or upset.  Or when I'm reading.
2.  I stop using grammar and I stop capitolizing things through text when I'm upset.
2a. Few people know that I started using grammar and capitolizing things like "I" and such because way back when, almost exactly a year ago, I met Blaze and he always texts using grammar and such.  I only later found out that his phone does it automatically.  I've kept up the habit though.
3. When a sad song comes on in the car, I look out the window all sad pretending I'm in a movie.
4. I hug something when I cry.
4a. Most usually, that thing is my teddy bear Valentine, and most usually I'm pretending Valentine is a person to comfort me.
4b. Most usually, that person is Braedon.
5. When I get fabulous new shoes I wear them all day into the night.
6.  When I get ensemble in the school musical, I pretend that I'm totally cool with it when really I'm so so sad.  Which is ridiciulous I know.  I just love to be in the spotlight, I love to be recognized.  I love the little kids that come up and ask me to sign their programs and I love the people that ask me to take a picture with their loved.  I loved being told to go front and center where everyone's eyes will be on me.
6a. I suppose this just means I'll have to get a good part in Twelve Dancing Princesses.  However this is unlikely seeing how my recently broken foot is still healing and hurts after ballet.
6b. gug.
7.  Gug is my word for an emotion.  If you wonder what emotion, say it out loud.  That is gug.  That is what I say when I'm generally upset or sad.  I got it from psych.
8. When I am upset I say "yep" instead of "yepp".  I also say "ha" instead of "haha".  And basically stop using any smileys of any sort.
9.  I always look for a face I've never seen before in the hallways.  I don't know why.  I just thought you should know.

That's all I can think of right now.

With Much Love,