The Pursuit of Happiness.

That's it, then.

I guess what I'm saying is, the wallpaper of my phone has been changed, the heart's taken off his name. I spent homework Tuesday with Justyn and her friends and got a ride home with Marley.

It was clean, naturally, I'd have expected nothing less from the two of us. It's probably my fault, but it's probably both of our faults, but actually it's no one's fault that we aren't right for each other, who knows why I insist on still wearing the locket every day?

I know it was right, it just comes and goes, like "Oh I'll be fine, I'm great, I have people and happiness" then "Oh did I just make a huge mistake" to my heart still jumping in my throat when his name pops up anywhere. But it's only been a day, after all, that's to be expected, even when I most brought it on, even though it's probably my fault.
"So, what's up?"
"Oh, just the unusual."

I guess what I'm really saying is, even the cleanest break up can hurt like hell.

but, it's fine.

--laura elizabeth.

And suddenly it's November again.

And you lose your mind.

[inside my skull, little elves are running around saying,

"Where'd it go?? IT WAS RIGHT HERE!!"]

Not everything that smiles is nice, not everything that laughs is kind.
Not everything that hugs can be trusted.  Not everything that cries should be pitied.
Not everything that happens is observed.  Not everything that's observed, happens.

Do you ever get worried because it seems like your best friend is upset at you so you wrote her a note about what you found out today and you can't get over it and you almost cried while figuring out some puzzle of a chimney and you're not going to have time to sew the elastics/ribbons onto your second pointe shoe which means you're going to have to suffer yet another class with worn out shoes which will probably make your other toenail fall off, and the guy you thought you liked is just like the one before and the guy you think you like will never like you and it feels like you should have more homework even though you're grateful you don't and you just want to help everyone but you think you're starting to be annoying to all the seniors but you end up texting Davis anyway and he calls you and you don't answer so he leaves a voicemail that makes the heat rise behind your closed eyes and spill out onto your kitten, and you reflect on the strangness of how when your eyes are closed the tears are hot but when they spill out their cold, and your kitten mews and licks your face all over and it makes you feel two dollars better and you read one of your favorite blogs and you're shocked to see one of your biggest pet peeves in the title and you feel strangely let down, and you've been reading and re-reading your favorite book for the past three days because it's just so incredible and you've been sleeping with an extra blanket and snuggling extra close to what would appear to be a teddy bear but what is really the guy you like, and you never texted that one guy back and you're worried that you will see him and not know what to say or won't see him and he'll think you're avoiding him but honestly you feel like you deserve more even if you don't [even if you do] and your feet have two layers of sock on them but they're still freezing and it's someone's birthday tomorrow and you've decided you're going to text him even though it's a little stalkery that you still remember his number and his birthday, and you really just wish that tomorrow all the guys you love will give you a big bear hug, especially Chaz because his hugs make you feel like you're being enveloped in a cacoon of cotton candy and he just makes you smile in general, and also you really really wish that after building tomorrow someone will kidnap you and take you to taco bell because they think you need to be cheered up and you can't stop hoping even though you know it's simply not going to happen and for some reason you can't find one of your favorite shirts so you have to wear something else and you're tired of being frozen, you're tired of the wind, you miss summer and the warmth it brings you and you can't stop worrying about that dang pointe shoe that you know you won't have time for in the coming days...and to top it all off, you just wrote an incredibly long post about absolutely nothing that you know no one took the time to actually read through completely, and you can't exactly blame them.  Also did I mention that this post happened to also be an incredibly long run-on sentence, which secretly you sometimes like?

Yeah.  Me too.

love always, laura.

Too late to be awake but too early to fall asleep.

Bear with me through this next post, please.

Imagine this with me, for a moment:

You're in a room with a big present.  It's shiny and awesome and just the size and shape of something you really really want.  So you grab hold of it with both hands and keep it there for a while.  However, you're not completely sure what's inside, and it won't ...tell you...what it is... [stay with me here].  Nevertheless, you keep holding on because you're pretty sure it's what you want.

Then, for three days, you put it down and forget about it.  You go into a new room with a couple new presents that are very different than the first one, but really great too.  There's one in particular that really catches your eye and all the other presents are urging you to choose it instead of the first present [suspend your disbelief a little longer].  You're not sure, because you remember how great you think the first one is, even though you're a little distracted now because of this new present.  So you sort of kick it along back with you after the three days are up and you have to go back to the original room, which is same as always, with that big shiny present... Except now, there's a new present in there with you.

Anyway.  You take back hold of the first present, though very hesitantly this time.  In fact, one hand remains off and possibly stretched slightly towards the new present.  You stay like this, in this uncertain lingo of sorts, for another couple of weeks.  Finally, you tell the first present that it needs to make up it's mind and tell you what it is.  So finally it says that it isn't REALLY what you thought it was, it was just making itself up as it went along.  Also, it said that it didn't really want anyone opening it for a while.

You would expect yourself to feel disappointed, right?  You know you would've been if it hadn't been for those three days without it.  Suddenly you realize it isn't the only present in the house, and there's this other really great one.  This present that's probably too good for you anyway, that you don't deserve.  Anyway, the point is, it was a lot easier for you to let go of the present when you only had one hesitant hand holding on, than it would've been if you still had both hands firmly placed around it.  Do you see what I mean?

Guys, it's fine.  The first present is a really great present and we can still be...um, friends.  I just sort of have my attention on a new present now.  It's fine.  I'm fine.

love always, laura.

In Hell we starve; In Heaven, we feed each other.

"Laura, what happened?"

"Nothing happened.  Nothing has happened.  Nothing has been said and nothing has been done and nothing is precisely the problem."

"Nothing happens and nothing matters."

I re-read what I said to that lovely, lovely boy and then I re-re-read it.  And then read it thinking of nothing as an actual thing [which may be contradictory, but oh well. It's fine].  And suddenly it was a much happier sentence.
Nothing happens because things can't always be happening, but nothing is a thing too so maybe they can.  Nothing may mean nothing good, but nothing can always mean nothing bad too.
Nothing matters because without nothing, we wouldn't appreciate the somethings.

Don't take nothing for granted.  Don't take something for granted.  Don't take people for granted and don't take your senses for granted.

love always, laura.

It's fine.

Every moment before then escalated and exploded
in a whirl of
"we did it."
The sitting on the bus, staring out at the snow,
the eating licorice,
the drinking dr. pepper,
the reading scarlet letter,
the watching tangled.
The getting to Cedar City
and going immediately to
"Dial M for Murder".
The going to Taco Bell
the eating my favorite food.
The going to Winter's Tale
the leaning my head on Drew.
The falling into bed
the talking with the roommates
the exchange of stories
the falling asleep.
The waking up and going to breakfast
the seeing everyone after rolling out of bed.
The seeing those who care and
the seeing of those who wanted to get food asap.
The going and setting up Titus
the seeing titus
the chills from seeing titus
the amazement at the talent of my friends.
The going to Mickey D's
the not eating anything there.
The going to "Noises Off!" and
the laughing until everything hurts.
The looking at the one on my right
the wondering why people are trying to set us up
the wondering why I'm so interested.
The talking and ranting and
the watching "say yes to the dress"
the watching "four weddings"
the feeling of excitement that they don't really hate me.
The feeling of excited disbelief that a senior thinks I'm cutest.
The sleeping, again.
The waking up, the seeing other students.
The happiness that we are so blessed with good teachers and good actors.
The amazement at the talent of my friends, again.
The setting up of Titus, again.
The amazement at the talent of my friends, again again.
The non-eating of pizza.
The sitting in a chair.
The almost falling asleep.
The waking up, the sitting up straight, the grabbing of hands.

The moment came at last.
That moment of complete and utter victory
and suddenly I'm part of something big
and something beautiful
and something I'm meant to be a part of.

And in that one moment of complete and utter victory,
[ignore this next line that's been running through my head all day]
"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers"
were all the same.
We screamed what we went to do
and we hugged and we cried and we laughed
until our voices were hoarse
and our jaws numb.
And across the enormous room,
what set me off,
was the Lone Peak Shakespeare Team
standing and cheering for us.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you for those last three days.
Thank you for including me.
Thank you for making me feel _______.


And then the bus ride home.  Whispering secrets
and saying random things, like,
"It's all fine, Addy."
and her saying,
"Obviously."
and then almost sleeping.
And then eating licorice, again.
And then thinking
thinking
thinking
thinking
and then him sitting by me
and me sitting by him
and her laying on us
and me leaning on him
and him leaning on that
and us talking about it
and then me crying on him
and him thinking it's that
and her getting up and leaving
and him seeing my face
and my looking away
and him whispering in my ear
and me shaking my head
and him holding me close
and him talking 'til I smile
and me spilling it all
and him listening to me
and him comforting me
and me saying thank you
and him falling asleep on that
and me falling asleep on him.

except not really.
in reality,
I was thinking again.
And I'm even more confused now.
But it's fine.
It's all fine.

real life has become Shakespeare,
and fake life has become...here.
It's fine that there's only three days of real life a year.

love, laura.