Weekends.

It was a long weekend without him, but it wasn't boring.

Honestly, it was a Connor weekend.

It was an Amy weekend, and a Melissa weekend, and a Ben weekend, and a Kristen Parker weekend.

It wasn't the weekend that I would have chosen first, maybe, but that doesn't mean it wasn't great.

It's good to remember that he isn't my life, all the time, always.

Friday night, before things were good, I was doubting it. Being absolutely and inexcusably ignored has never had any advantages, besides the fact that when someone pays attention to you, it feels even better. Which is exactly what happened. Someone I look up to, someone I love, someone I think is absolutely incredible and honestly I've always wanted to be an important friend of, spent almost two hours of ignoring me, of making me feel stupid, unwanted, her and her two friends, sitting and taking pictures and giggling, me, sitting unnoticed, ignored. Ignored. No one should ever feel ignored, especially not publicly, don't ignore people. But after the show, when I got to who I wanted to get to, it was all worth it, and I love this girl so much. She's tiny, colombian, beautiful, and incredible. Shout out to miss Amy, whom we are all quite obsessed with. Funny how life is, when she used to intimidate me, with her beauty and popularity, now she's turned into a saving grace of a Friday night. And then at his house, him and his charm and his awkward dancing and his comfortability, it was comfortable. These people were comfortable, and the night was comfortable, and no one even remembered I was a sophomore.

Melissa Saturday. Waffle saturday, pokemon Saturday (Connor Saturday!), Footloose Saturday, cake Saturday, dessert Saturday, tired Saturday. Tired Saturday, tired two weeks, mononucleosis. Did I mention I have mononucleosis? Well, I have mononucleosis.

It was a missing him weekend, to be honest, I miss him. I miss him more than I thought. I've realized a lot about our relationship and honestly, I don't want him any other way.

"And the fight for you is all I've ever known, so come home."

But Connor, and Amy, and Melissa, you three especially, thank you for this weekend. It was good, it was so lovely, I feel comfortable, you people are comfortable.

love always, laura elizabeth.

ps. To the person I was sitting by, if you even read this, which I really doubt because I'm starting to realize that I'm not worth your time (despite it all, despite it all), I still think you're an incredible person, and I would go to your funeral if you did die tomorrow. I'm sure you'd come to mine, too, and tell everyone what great friends we were and how great you thought I was, but I'm also sure you wouldn't remember me being next to you at that show. I'm sure you wouldn't remember ignoring me. And that makes some difference, anyway, to me.

It's been ten days, so goodbye and hi.

It's been ten days

so goodbye and hi.

life comes fast but

it moves so slowly.

I look at everything and everyone and I can't even imagine everyone's heartbreak.

I don't understand people, but I'd like to, I don't understand me, but I'd like to.

So let's take today, let's take tomorrow, let's take forever and create no drama for each other.

Let's just stay as is forever, because I'm just a girl who loves owls and is happy.

I'm just a girl who's done with the drama, so how about I throw my worries out the window

and just enjoy what I have,

because I have you and you're extremely enjoyable.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Today is Paul.

Because one day, inevitably, you'll realize that there's nothing left to say or do and your best friend has a boyfriend and even though you know it's stupid you feel like he's taking over her life which is ridiculous because you did the same thing to her the summer before and you curled your hair but no one will see it and your dad was only home for four days and you miss him terribly again and the couple guys that you love and would rely on to cheer you up or make you feel better suddenly don't seem to like talking to you or are too busy to ever make plans or text and you feel like you're breaking down more than your three year old phone or your nine year old refrigerator and you text a bunch of people that you love to talk to and only one texts back, and not for very long and you're in such an upset mood that you're writing some terrible run-on sentence that would only make sense to the person who wrote it, but you STILL don't understand any of it because nothing in your life is really making sense anymore and you just want to be held.

And then you remember you have a bike with a basket and a library in biking distance.  As long as there's books, you remember you'll never be alone.

Pretty sure someday I'll be married to a book.  They're the only ones that are always there for me, and they're the only ones that are predictable and comfortable and would never let me down or cancel our plans.  It's almost like they exist purely to be there for me.  Plus I trust them.

It's rather unfortunate that the qualities of my books are ten notches above nearly all the people I know.

And you realize your three best friends are all busy and can't talk or swing by and you wish that you had a boyfriend to come and make everything better and you know that tomorrow your nanny will ask if you're okay and you will feel stupid because it's just a passing feeling that will be gone by the time she asks and besides there's only a few people that could truly make you feel better in the moment but you know that it will never happen and it just depresses you more.

I'll see you all tomorrow.

love, laura.

ps. then you realize you haven't named your stupid pity post and decide to call it paul because of your best friend who's with her boyfriend.