Heaven and Hell: an analysis.

I never really had words, but at least I used to think I do.

 

 

But here's the thing:

we fall without meaning to

and we love without trying to.

we hope without meaning to.

we die without trying to.

if you haven't recognized that,

you're in denial and need to soul search

(or something.)

 

Speaking of soul searching,

I'll meet you all again in the stars someday.

I try not to think of all the people I won't know in ten years,

because they're my world and it's like the world explodes

every time I say goodbye.

I don't let go easy.

Addy once said I taught her to let go easy,

and I'd like to intervene and say that she doesn't know me very well,

because I don't let go easy.

I grab on too fast,

I hold on too tight,

and I don't let go easy.

I'll search for you in the stars.

I'll search for those nights, those feelings.

Every feeling, every person, every moment,

they make up the stars,

and someday I'll have the time to search through them again.

I'll see you then.

 

love always, laura elizabeth.



Junioritis and First-Couple-Months-Of-Schoolitis.

My name is Laura, and I am struggling with Junioritis

[hi, Laura.]

It started when I was in sixth grade and got En Pointe and realized I am fully in love with Ballet, and it started when I decided acting was something I should be good at in seventh grade, and it started when my mom put me in the ALL program in fifth grade so that I'll forever have high expectations of myself, and it started when I got a job.

 

 

Look, I can't be Addy, much as I'd like to. I just can't.

And for another thing, maybe I am still the same as I was in sixth grade, in a way. I mean, yeah. I look and dress a lot better and I like boys a lot more. But I'm still on the line of inside and outside for most things. I'm no one's first choice of a bed partner for Shakespeare, I'm no one's first choice for a dance. I'm no one's first choice to cover their shift at work. I'm no one's first choice to do homework with or sing with or listen to or be around. The only place I'm first is in Kelsey's book, but that's a shelf just as full as mine.

So I'm not going to be the wordy, high bunned girl with perfect eyelashes and great style and huge intelligence that hides behind a high voice. I'm not going to be the girl that has her own style and can crump like no one's business. I'm not going to be the hair with the huge hair and even bigger heart, or the girl he took to Homecoming, or the girl with beautiful eyes and beautiful hair and has a chance with Teddy like I never did. I can't be any of you and I can't want to anymore, because that more than anything is what's burning me out this year. I need to stop killing myself over these feelings of not fitting in anymore and just find a way like I did last year, because I did and it was beautiful.

And you know what? Maybe I will ask him to a dance. Maybe I'll ask both of them to a dance and maybe they'll have fun and be glad I did.

love always, laura elizabeth.



I like to believe in love.

you say you love rain,

but you open your umbrella.

you say you love the sun,

but you find a shadow spot.

you say you love the wind,

but you close your windows.

this is why i am afraid,

you say you love me too.

--William Shakespeare.

Sometimes I listen to songs and I am struck with their brilliancy.

Like, "Great Escape" or "The Middle" or "Gold Forever"

or a bunch of other songs.

Sometimes I listen to songs and I am struck with inspiration,

and I want to just get up and dance,

like "Too Close" and "Wild One" and "Lightning".

Sometimes I listen to songs and I am struck down with memories,

sometimes the memories make me smile

like "Long Live" and "Forget You" and "Club Can't Handle Me"

and sometimes they make me curl up for a moment,

hoping that someday I will be able to listen to them peacefully again,

like "How To Save A Life" and "Drops of Jupiter" and two whole cds full.

So sometimes, when songs like these come on, I just have to try to forget.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Dreams of Sunshine and You.

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

But here's the thing, I dreamed a dream

I dreamed a dream of the pool

and I dreamed of red hair,

[actually, I dreamed of hair in general, as usual]

and I dreamed of skylines,

and I dreamed of zebras and funny faces,

I dreamed of a blonde mane of not just hair but of her words,

she says they're gone but they aren't

and I never had any anyway, so she shouldn't worry

but here's a good vibration anyway.

I dreamed of people,

and how to let go,

and how to hold on,

and how to do everything in the middle, too.

I dreamed of pounce-ing.

I dreamed in cards, people,

I dreamed in kings and queens and aces,

and I was the little black joker,

and you were the red 8.

I dreamed of cracks;

of sidewalks and my kindle

and the sky, too;

Mostly I dreamed of you.

Remember the beauty from last post? The beauty I have?

I don't care what you believe, for all I know you have it right.

But the beauty I have in my is my little piece of God.

And the reason I know you are beautiful is because you have a piece of Him, too,

because we are actually all God and everything is God

and really God is just the energy that connects us all to each other and everything.

[it's called Pantheism.]

So sorry for when I yell at you to stop littering,

because really,

I'm just giving back.

Addy, when you find your words [they wouldn't go far]

feel free to loan some to me.

love always, laura elizabeth.



Weekends.

It was a long weekend without him, but it wasn't boring.

Honestly, it was a Connor weekend.

It was an Amy weekend, and a Melissa weekend, and a Ben weekend, and a Kristen Parker weekend.

It wasn't the weekend that I would have chosen first, maybe, but that doesn't mean it wasn't great.

It's good to remember that he isn't my life, all the time, always.

Friday night, before things were good, I was doubting it. Being absolutely and inexcusably ignored has never had any advantages, besides the fact that when someone pays attention to you, it feels even better. Which is exactly what happened. Someone I look up to, someone I love, someone I think is absolutely incredible and honestly I've always wanted to be an important friend of, spent almost two hours of ignoring me, of making me feel stupid, unwanted, her and her two friends, sitting and taking pictures and giggling, me, sitting unnoticed, ignored. Ignored. No one should ever feel ignored, especially not publicly, don't ignore people. But after the show, when I got to who I wanted to get to, it was all worth it, and I love this girl so much. She's tiny, colombian, beautiful, and incredible. Shout out to miss Amy, whom we are all quite obsessed with. Funny how life is, when she used to intimidate me, with her beauty and popularity, now she's turned into a saving grace of a Friday night. And then at his house, him and his charm and his awkward dancing and his comfortability, it was comfortable. These people were comfortable, and the night was comfortable, and no one even remembered I was a sophomore.

Melissa Saturday. Waffle saturday, pokemon Saturday (Connor Saturday!), Footloose Saturday, cake Saturday, dessert Saturday, tired Saturday. Tired Saturday, tired two weeks, mononucleosis. Did I mention I have mononucleosis? Well, I have mononucleosis.

It was a missing him weekend, to be honest, I miss him. I miss him more than I thought. I've realized a lot about our relationship and honestly, I don't want him any other way.

"And the fight for you is all I've ever known, so come home."

But Connor, and Amy, and Melissa, you three especially, thank you for this weekend. It was good, it was so lovely, I feel comfortable, you people are comfortable.

love always, laura elizabeth.

ps. To the person I was sitting by, if you even read this, which I really doubt because I'm starting to realize that I'm not worth your time (despite it all, despite it all), I still think you're an incredible person, and I would go to your funeral if you did die tomorrow. I'm sure you'd come to mine, too, and tell everyone what great friends we were and how great you thought I was, but I'm also sure you wouldn't remember me being next to you at that show. I'm sure you wouldn't remember ignoring me. And that makes some difference, anyway, to me.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.

Life is frittered away by detail.  Simplify.  Simplify.

-Thoreau

Let's just step back and acknowledge the fact that chocolate and caramel can be successfully combined.

Let's just step back and acknowledge that books can be re-read.

Let's just step back and acknowledge that even days you wake up with a migraine on can still be good days.

Let's just step back and acknowledge that Addy is brilliant and beautiful.

Let's just step back and acknowledge that life is brilliant and beautiful.

Let's just step back and acknowledge that tomorrow is the last school day of the year.

Let's just step back and acknowledge that while some things that you wish for, you won't get; but some things you wish for, you will.

Let's just step back and acknowledge that we are blessed.

Let's just step back and acknowledge that healthy can be delicious too.

Let's just step back and acknowledge that even though bad things happen to good people, good things happen to good people too.

Let's step back and realize we are incredible;

We are life itself;

We are beautiful and pure;

We are the actors, and all the world's a stage.

Footloose.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Persistence is trying to get a return letter from someone.

So, I know this girl named Addy who has a few of her professional pictures of her family up on her blog and I remembered that she's gorgeous and so I tried to text her and tell her that but then AT&T told me that the subscriber could not be reached.  So I figured, why not say it publicly?  Also, her blog is probably the best thing ever, so go follow that link.  I hope she knows how much I look up to her, even though usually I think she forgets about my existance.

Also, Addy?  You really need to send me a letter.

Come to my show, all.

love, laura.

ps. She has 85 followers.  You know.  No big deal or anything.

A ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not why ships were built.

There is a point in time when you know you must move forward.  Until you hit that point, you will live your life half alive.  There are times when you are lost and you believe there is only one person that can help you through.  Until you realize that person is yourself, you will remain lost.

There are times when everything is relentless.  When you are never enough.

There are times when you will be sad.  When, as much as you struggle, you cannot get your head above that line.

There are times when life isn't fair.  When no matter what you do, you cannot do anything right.

But there is a point in time when you know you must move forward.  There is a point in time you can believe fully in the choice you make and you will follow it through.



"You're".  But it's fine.

 

With my everlasting Love,

StarFish.