Have You Seen This Boy??? (cont.)

Continuing  my past filled night...
I read a notebook that Kortney and I had kept last year.  Around the same time that those texts were sent.
I found little conversations between he and I in there, ones that I wanted to show her, ones that concerned her, etc.  Like so:
Me: I need someone to watch Princess and the Frog with.
Blaze: I'll totally be that person!! :)
Me:  I'm pretty sure you'd find it awkward when one moment, I'm being all cuddly and hugging and all, then the next moment I'm sobbing on your shoulder...
Blaze:  When are you going to realie this? I. Care. About. You.  I promise it wouldn't be weird.
Me: I kinda think it would be...
Blaze:  It wouldn't. I promise. :)
Me: haha, thanks! But unfortunately, it probably will not happen...:P
Blaze: You never know. :)
Me: haha, you don't want me there...at every song, I would jump up and sing/dance.  I'm sure it would be very distracting. :)
Blaze: That would be amazing!
****
yeah. weird thing is, we did end up watching Princess and the Frog, just a couple of months ago. But we spent most of the time wrapped up in each other. Hm.

There were more conversations.  Maybe I'll share more someday, maybe not.  That was the one I loved though.  Oh I miss him.

those little repeated words are now so dearly treasured to me.  They remind me of who he was.
Oh Blazie. Oh love.
I miss you.

Have You Seen This Boy???

"dear cutie pie, i love you so so much! we must keep meeting at the park because I'm going to die without you! I have a feeling you are going to write more than me so I shall keep writing until you are done. I love you sweetie! sorry about the bad handwriting. oh and i need to tell you the favor before i forget!
i love you
i love you
i love you!
Blaze."
[yearbook-may 28]
"and thus...with nothing but pure silence: the fear that the one he loved is dead sets in. Thou noble man wanted, more than anything, to die. but because of the small promise to his beloved, he lies awake. awake from death. and cries a small but powerful cry to his love's own life. that he can only hope she still posses...Je t'aime. :*"
[may 5]
"goodnight. :) I think my love for you grew again today. :) I love you so so much. with all my heart and soul. you are my love. and you will always live inside me. :) my life will forever be more colorul thanks to you. ;) you saved my life more than once, and i have to thank you for that. i love you i love you i love you. :) sweet dreams my love.
[may 11]
(are you okay, Blaze?)
"No, I want you to text me more! But the only way to do that is to have two conversations...So I'm fine. :)"
[May 5]
"Laura, honey, sweetie, my love... I love you more."
[May 11]
These are just a couple of the texts I wrote down last May. This is BEFORE he kissed me. BEFORE we officially said it was romantic. we both were kidding ourselves when we were saying it wasn't. I used to have more of these but I threw them away after the breakup.  These were on a sheet that I found under my yearbook.  They made me BAWL.  My life back then...was so beautiful.  Every day, every night, I was showered with love and smiles and someone who fully and truly cared about me.  All of my friends could see how happy I was then.  Ask anyone.  I would skip from meeting him in the halls after english and giving/receiving a long, beautiful hug.  I would skip to math and be so happy and full of laughter and smiles, all through geometry!  I was happy all day, purely content with a boy who was my best friend.  Adding romance...it killed our beautiful friendship, even though we had both been thinking about loving beyond friendship [though we never admitted it to each other].  I'm so glad our relationship happened because I learned so much and I loved the beautiful parts, but I miss this friendship, this beautiful, soul sibling relationship we had with each other.  It was tru love.
....Have you seen this boy? Missing for over a month now. Over two months now.  Deeply missed.
I miss this boy. This boy I used to know.
Je t'aime, mon petit chou. :*



I love Harry Potter.



The First Time Someone Meant It.

Do you remember the first time you said you loved me?
It wasn't romantic. But I remember.
It was last February.  We stayed up all night talking to each other on facebook and through texting, all the way until six in the morning when you fell asleep.  We were reading MLIA and GMH and sending each other our favorite stories. I came across a very funny, slightly dirty story that I was a little wary of telling you, because I didn't know if you'd think it was funny or icky.  But I went on a limb and sent it and it turns out he had a dirtier mind than I.  He said, "You know... I love you. HAHA. Not romantically. but I do. :)"
I remember that night.

Silly Little Wonderings.

I wonder... Do you ever go back to that night?
Do you ever miss me?
Do you ever wish things were how they were?
Do you ever even think of me at all?
Do you truly still love me?
Do you want to see me again?
Do you ever get jealous of the people who see me every day?
Do you ever pretend you're hugging me, and not that pillow?

Are you lying when you say you don't hate me?
Are you lying when you say you don't hate talking to me?
Are you listening when I use my 11:11 wish on your happiness?
Are you truly taking out those pills?

Am I still beautiful to you?

Rebellion against your wishes!

honestly...you ruined too many perfect, good things.
things like bruno mars', just the way you are, song.
alice in wonderland the movie.
my favorite park.
watching movies on my bean bag.
love songs.
hidden pond.
the elementary school.
my best friend's upstairs.
my favorite dress.
the list of things i love.
making cute scrapbooked cards.
and so many more things that I enjoyed so much.
These same things just stop my heart, and my breathing. Because they painfully remind me of beautiful memories. That will never be again.
oh. and by the way. if you really think telling me i can't talk about you on my blog anymore is really going to stop me, then you're silly.  I told you to stop reading my blog.
oh. and don't tell me to simply stop trying ever again. because my aussie friend wants me to keep trying. he wants me to succeed. and therefore, the guy who lives across the world, the only guy i can truly count on, will keep me alive.

This Halloween.

This Halloween, for me, was full of little hidden meanings.  I'm being Ms. Pacman.  This meaning is that I'm constantly being chased by little problems, but I can also chase them right back. [and eat them. ish.]
My pumpkin- the front is a winky face. Very simply. Looks like this: ;) except on a pumpkin. That's to honor Zak and my new friendship. Back in the sixth grade, when we had a "thing", we passed a ;) notebook to each other.  Just kinda an inside joke now. So cute. :)
The back has a little heart.  No one will see it.  But it's there and it serves a purpose.  This kinda represents Blaze and me, and how we both have pushed that aside [maybe one more than the other ahem ahem] but it also represents that if any guy is looking at me now, he'll have to go find my heart. And it will not be easy.
Me staying home alone to pass out candy: I've been abandoned. By everyone.
I think... I could get hidden meanings out of everything. But I rather like these.
Love, StarFish.

God Knows I Can't Sing

Still waiting for someday.

Dear Love I miss you much
I miss your smile and I miss your touch
But I found a place where I can erase my past
Maybe someday when you're old and gray
And your hair falls out and your tattoos fade
You might see me standing
Hat in hand
I have to go away
I've got no reason to stay here
You said someday you'll change
But even a fool will tell you
Someday never comes
You built your rooms
You built your walls
You kept me outside of it all
I got tired of you
What's a girl to do
Maybe someday if we stay this way
And you see my face in a different place
You'll remember when
You're going to thank me then
I have to go away
I've got no reason to stay here
You said someday you'll change
But even a fool will tell you
Someday never comes

Stevie told me she thinks I should sing this to Blaze.  I think it describes what went down with us perfectly but God knows I can't sing.  So maybe putting it as a blog post will make up for that.
Love, StarFish.

My Little Piece of OCD

I have a very systematic way of eating trail mix.
First I separate it into three groups: peanuts/cashews/raisins, almonds, and MnMs.  I eat each group in that order.
For the peanuts/cashews/raisin group, I look at the ratio between nuts and raisins.  If there are more nuts, then I eat two nuts with each raisin, and vice versa.  I do that until they are all gone.
I then move on to the almonds.  I eat these one at a time.  I split them in half the long way with my teeth and eat them like so.
I then arrange the MnMs by color.  Brown, Yellow, Green, Orange, Blue, Red.  I've had some controversy between the green and the orange though, because I like the color green more and I save the best for last.  However, green is a cool color and orange is a warm color and I generally like warm colors more, so green goes before orange.
I have a very specific way of how I eat MnMs.  I put the end one of the front line in my mouth, and I suck.  After a couple of minutes, when it's all soft, I try to get the candy shell off the chocolate without sucking too much of the chocolate away or breaking it in half.  If I fail to do this, I get angry.
Also.  If someone steals an MnM that isn't from that front line, I get upset and feel very messed up.
I think we all have a little bit of OCD in us.

Let's call it Nostalgia.

I miss the way he'd take off my glasses and clean them for me.  Then carefully put them back on.
I miss that smile.
I miss him calling me cutie pie. and sweetie.
I miss him squeezing my hand three times to let me know he loves me.
I miss him singing softly alone with whatever song was inevitably playing on his phone to me.
I miss him talking endlessly about clothes.
I miss him sending me kiss smilies.
I miss him getting excited after Stevie and I had another photoshoot.
I miss him always telling me I'm beautiful.
I miss his kisses.
I miss him sending me cute songs that he knows I'll love.
I miss him holding me forever.
I miss him carefully turning my head for me.
I miss him calling me cute after I say something random.
I miss him getting jealous.
I miss him making plans for us.
I miss him saying he loves me more infinity. [even though it was never true.]
I miss him texting me until I fell asleep, then sending me something beautiful to wake up to.
I miss him.
I miss my blazie.

That One Question.

Sometimes, I sit in my room or in class or wherever there's a good place to think, and I ask myself the question: Would anyone really care if I died right now?
The answer is yes.  My family. Yes.  Braedon.  Zak. Stevie. Yes.  My friends would care.  I know it.  It would probably bring on quite a many tears.  Actually, people I barely know would cry. Sometimes, a person isn't real to you, until they're gone.
After answering that question, I still don't feel too satisfied.  Then I realize the real question I was asking myself.
Would he care if I died right now?
I am still wondering.

Life's a Mess.

Life was good, and then it wasn't.  That's the way my life has been for a while now.  The difference is, I used to have someone to comfort me.
What am I supposed to do when I hit this low and whip out my phone to text my someone, only to remember that that someone doesn't actually like being my someone anymore [or me, for that matter] and completely abandoned me?
I text Braedon instead, of course.
It still isn't the same.
and it never will be.
Is this depression?  Or is this just being a teenager?
Does he ever wish for his old someone?
Obviously not. He knows he could always have me. whenever.
He just chooses not to.

Char.

We all say, I love my best friend. We all say, we'll be best friends forever. Our friendship comes so naturally and easy. She's the only one I don't have to be someone else around.

I do love my Char. And in my heart and mind, we will ALWAYS be best friends. When she's either off being an amazing and popular artist [songwriting artist], or helping the FBI or CIA with criminal profiling and I'm off on Broadway or modeling or saving animals or whatever, we will still be best friends.

However, as of late, it has not been easy to be her best friend. That sounds awful but to be a true best friend, it is NOT easy. Stevie has never had an easy life. From the death of her little sister, to breaking her ankle, to buying her own necessities and finding the wrong guys, God has given her a new challenge: severe depression. Possibly bipolarity. When we were younger, I never quite understood Stevie, and I was simply along for the ride simply to have someone to call a best friend. Perhaps it was my non-understanding, or acceptance, that brought on the big fight we had when she began going out with Justin. We didn't talk for the better part of that year. It was ridiculous and stupid. Maybe we were both trying to grow up too fast, maybe we were just two forces that collided too hard with each other. When we began talking again we remember how good it was to have each other. Our friendship bond grew stronger after that, but I still didn't understand her.

In fact, I don't think I truly understood her until I knew what she had gone through. After getting over the long-lived infatuation with my dear Zak, I had moved on to-Blaze. I knew without a doubt that it would go somewhere. I distinctly remember thinking he would be my first kiss. That first time when he broke my heart, Stevie was...was there. She slept on my floor every night and comforted me while I cried in the dead of the night. I would cry at the most random of moments and I didn't need to explain. She was just there. That showed me how to be a better friend to her.

Later that summer she told me she had cut. That she liked the pain. I understood Stevie so much more by then, but I don't hestitate to say I didn't know how to approach this. I remember when we were younger, she would always ask me to scratch her arm...telling me to dig in further. I just thought she was always itchy but I make the connection now. She has had problems with anorexia and self esteem issues, but they've mostly evaporated now, for which I'm glad. However, this doesn't stop the fact that her mom, who was so often absent in their house, would leave while Stevie's depression was acting up. Shawn would leave for the weekend and tell Stevie not to have me personally over, or cook. Alone in the house, with her thoughts and her heartbreaks and unfortunately the scissors, she would give it up. She would give in. I would wish there was a way to stop her, to help her, but there was never anything, though I tried. I would see the cuts and wince, and cry on the inside, but not say anything, fearing bringing up all the emotions.

Just a few weeks ago, a new heartbreak came to her life. Spencer. Leading her desperately on then breaking her heart, I remember distinctly the snap in her mood like a snap in a twig. She came over that morning looking beautiful as ever and happy, promising us taking pictures [as is our pastime] after she went to Milo's to hang with the wolf pack. An hour later I receive the text, "I hate myself." I rushed out of the house and run to meet her, as she walks back to her empty house. We sit on the porch swing and she sobs into my shoulder. Her mascara all rubbed off, the red in her eyes showing brightly, I looked at her and knew I have never felt half of her pain. She hits the lowest lows. I try and I try and I can never help her. But I will always try.

It is not easy being Stevie's best friend. It never will be. But one thing that I'll always know is that it will always be worth it.

Love, Pika.

I love the insane amount of pictures we take Char Char. Just by the way.. :)  The bottom one is from a REALLY long time ago. I still had braces. Not such great times. Oh well. love you billions.

Attitude Check

My dearest Zak.
Something you in your day made it not perfect. Which is sad, because you deserve more than that. You don't want to talk about it and I understand that. But I'd like you to know that no matter what happens in life, we can choose to stay lovely. I know you, so I know you'll take this day and not let it affect tomorrow.  I tried to help you but I can only get you so far. You've always told me you thought it was amazing how I can stay happy after the Blaze thing, and other stuff that is inevitably in my life.  Well, that's because I've learned that happiness is really just an additude check away.  You, yourself, can choose how you want to feel and eventually, who you want to be.  Whatever happened today, know that you'll have me tomorrow. I may not be the best helper, but I'm a great listener.  And I love you.  Maybe not in the way that I thought I used to, but that might be because I realized what a great friend you are and I didn't want to lose that. I'll never want to lose that.  We will be at different highschools but we'll keep in contact. And someday, we will have that Harry Potter marathon. :)
Love, StarFish.

I love cheesy pick-up lines! (:

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
I guess your in the wrong place though. The miss universe contest is over there!If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?Could i check your pockets because im pretty sure you just stole my heart.
excuse me I think you dropped something... (what?) my jaw!I think you have something in your eye. Oh wait... Nope thats just a sparkle!
Do you have a BandAid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.shoot you're so attractive that you made me forget my pickup line....
Haha well did it hurt? I dont mean scraping your knee. I mean when you fell from heaven!Uh.. Excuse me ma'am but are you lost? Heaven is quite a ways away from here.
when god made you, he was showing off.
sorry but someone call God and tell him he is missing one of his angels!Hey baby. You got a jersey? [A jersey?...Why?] Because I need your name and number.
Let's count shoulders! 1, 2, 3... (puts hand around shoulder)...4
do you believe in love at first sight, or should i walk by again?
See my friend over there? he wants to know if you think i'm cute.i'm sorry, were you talking to me? "no.." oh. would you like to?
I wasn't sure if you were a beautiful angel or a sexy demon, but now I'm closer I can see heaven in your eyes...

heehee. gotta love them. Always open for any more, friends. (:

Just to Brighten Things Up.

Just a couple of quotes... (:
If someone throws skittles at me yelling, "Taste the freakin rainbow!" I'll throw MnMs back and yell, "I'm not afraid!"
"Girls do not dress for boys. Girls dress for fashion and for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they'd walk around naked all the time." -Betsey Johnson
"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, & leaves before she is left. when it comes down to it, i let them think what they want. if they care enough to bother with what i do, then i'm already better than them." -marilyn monroe
If you have any more UNIQUE ones that aren't as popular, but are still funny or inspirational, or anything, feel free to put it in the comments. (:
As always, with all my love,
StarFish.

I can delete his number off my phone, very easily actually.  I have twice.
Too bad I can't delete it from my mind.
...
Blaze, you do know the only reason I text you so much is because I desperately wish the old you would text back?
Love, StarFish

His Secret Smile

When I think of him, I think of when he would stop the kisses for a moment, and lean away.
He'd study my face intently, looking it over.
When he had thoroughly memorized it, a slight smile would start to appear.
It's difficult to describe but it was full of love.
The only time I ever saw that smile was when we were kissing, and he'd look at me.
No camera [to my knowledge] has caught that smile on film, but my eyes caught it and my mind certainly remembers it.
I miss that smile.
Love, StarFish.

Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind images

You sang me spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick

Well I'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me in the shade

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you would never ever forget these images, no

Well I'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot try the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy to walk

Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Why can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

Dear Stevie:

My dear Stevie,
We're best friends. Probably always will be. We're sisters in heart and in mind [if not in blood].  Therefore, I feel like I know you well enough to say what I'm about to say.
Something has to change. You fall into fatuation with some guy. You spark something up. You have a bittersweet romance and he ALWAYS ends up hurting you. You end up wanting to die.  I'm always there for you and I always will be but I hope you realize I'm running out of words that I can say to you.  I've said all I can think of and it never seems to be enough. And then the cycle starts all over again. I just want you to be more careful. More cautious.  Simply because I love you too much to continuously see you get hurt.  And hurt yourself. I want you happy, love. I always have.  You're making it so hard.
Love, StarFish.
ps. don't you wish that was us on that beach? (:

Forgotten Love

It somehow seems poetic to me that while my brother and his girlfriend are [most likely] getting it on downstairs, the nostalgic sister with her bittersweet memories is doing homework upstairs, with a blanket holding her instead of love.
However, I've decided that my love for Blaze isn't lost.  No love is ever lost.  Perhaps it's... forgotten.  It may never be remembered again.  Maybe it'll sit in a box in the lonely corner of my soul, collecting dust.  Maybe I'll look through the scrapbook sitting on top of the book, but I'll never look into the box again.  No, if the love in that box wants to be remembered, it'll have to be opened by someone else.
Love, StarFish.

Secret Three

While I'm at it... Secret Number Three.
I have always secretly believed in ghosts.  But I don't think...well. I think only the people that can't move on from earth but are good people are allowed to be ghosts, and they're nice.  And they miss life so they try to make our lives happier.  They try to help us in whatever way they can. I wonder how many ghosts have tried to help me? (:
Love, StarFish.

Secret Two

Secret Number Two:
When I give someone a nickname, I change their name in my phone to that. If something happens with that person I change it back.
I've changed Stevie's name to Char Char and Trace's name to Elephanto.
But I still haven't changed Blaze's name from Blazie.
Love, StarFish.

My First Kiss

So there I was, sitting in the movie theater with Stevie, watching the new movie Easy A, with my head on her shoulder, when a ridiculous amount of nostalgia hit me like a train.  I sat straight up because I didn't want the inevitable tears to spill onto Stevie's shirt.  What brought it on, I think, was that in the movie, the love interest Todd asked her if he could kiss her.  On the last day of May in the year twenty ten, I was at the park with Blaze.  My arms were around my knees and his arms were around me when he turned my head and whispered, "Can I?"  The same question had been asked an hour before, but this time I knew the answer. Scared to death but full of longing, our heads twisted, our eyes closed, and our lips met. Like the perfect moment of finding the puzzle pieces that fit together, our lips stayed, and it was magic. I was so innocent that night, and that one occurance that our friendship had building up to since the previous February blew my world off its axis and into his.  Our broken pieces fused and together we made one whole, beautiful person in love.  It was so amazing, the best night of my existense.  Since then, we've had so many kisses that that special one faded into the past.  But it will always and forever be special to me. 
So there I was in the movie theater, with the tears dripping off my nose and cheeks, staring at the screen but seeing that night.  Someone said something funny and Stevie laughed and I forced something out just slightly off time, and I wasn't sure if she had noticed the tears in the dark.  I took deep breaths and tried a smile.  Let's just say, it's been a slightly melancholy weekend.  I've spent it with friends but I still... I'm still melancholy.  Tomorrow's a new day and some tomorrow will bring me a new love.  For now, I can live in the past and remember the beautiful times.

why don't you talk to me?