Sunday, December 5, 2010

Nightly Routine.

Yesterday, I realized that everyone else in my dance class has about all three splits. I have my rights, usually, but not lefts or middles, so I decided I will stretch every night. I told Braedon and he's gonna stretch too. Tonight, I stretched my lefts, rights, but middles really felt unnatural for some reason.  I was stretching and realized I had a lot going on in my mind, which isn't good, because flexibility is highly psychological. I decided to meditate, and that's what this post is about.
I sat in the butterfly position and put my hands as if in prayer, in front of my chest.  I started with some deep breaths and let go of what was in my mind.  For some reason, my mind flew to a late Summer evening.  Blaze and I were out taking pictures after a warm rain, both sharing the love of photography.  This was before we were back together- we were "together" a little bit in June, then not for all of July, then this night happened.  We were at the school, behind a column, talking.  Our faces got really, really close.  I don't know if I would call it a kiss, but our lips brushed together. It was more of both of us, with our lips centimeters away, wondering if the other would make a move. I was scared- the last time I had let him kiss me, he had hurt me by going to Sarah.  So I did not make the move. However... He did.  He barely leaned forward, and like I said, our lips brushed together.  Neither of us actively kissed the other, we didn't have our arms around each other.  I didn't know what was happening.  I didn't know what was going to happen.  He whispered to me, "I miss you.  I miss, I miss that feeling in my chest that comes from being close to you."  I reached around and hugged him, saying, "This is as close as we can get, isn't it?"  He replied, "No... It's hard to explain...But... I think about you all the time."  "What about Sarah?"  "I don't know... When I'm with you, she vanishes from my mind.  When I'm with her, you're still there."  I told him, "You had better choose before you go kissing me," and I grabbed my jacket and got out of there.
My mind wasn't at ease when I was meditating about this.  My breathing got heavy again and I began to shake.  I finally came to realization that I don't miss Blaze.  I miss the love, maybe the kisses, definitely the hugs, but not him.  So I let the memory go, and thought of the good things in my life.  These images came to my mind:  Hugging Braedon.  Hugging Justyn.  Cuddling with my cat.  Eating chocolate.  Standing in rain, being on stage...So many things that make me happy.  My breathing went silent again, my heart stilled, and I was at peace.
When I felt finished, I let out a great gust of air, and tried my left splits again.  I had gone down at least three inches.
Friends, take the time to meditate at night.  Think about whatever comes to mind immediately, then let it go.  Think about what makes you happy.  Breathe.  Love.  Peace.

Love, StarFish.

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