Sunday, December 26, 2010

I've been absent.

I watched my wisdom teeth come out, and didn't blog about it.  I watched Christmas pass and didn't blog about it.  Funny, I've been checking on my blog a lot, at least twice a day as if I expect a new post.  As if I wasn't the writer.  Well I am.  And I'm back now.
I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas.  I did.  I gained my one true love.  A beautiful, beautiful camera named Charlie.  He has a brother [brother in the sense that Stevie is my sister.] that belongs to Stevie named Franco.  It excited me.  I love Charlie so very much.  I also just love the name Charlie.
I wonder what Blaze is doing.  It's weird to think that he still exists outside of my world.  I think that's what happened.  He pushed me out of his world and forgot I still exist on the outside. But, I do.  He's probably playing minesweeper while listening to his old records in his room in the basement.  How creepy of me.  I am over him, I promise.  It's just weird to me.  It's just weird that we could once be each other's world and then suddenly I'm forgotten on the outside of his.  And he is fine.  I'm fine too.  Sort of.  Not as fine as him.  He's completely forgotten me.  He didn't have his heart broken.  It is so NOT FAIR that I could die.  But really, what is fair?
I thought something somewhat intelligent and poetic earlier.  It was:

Sometimes, the right person says the wrong things.  Or just doesn't say the right things.
Sometimes, the wrong person says the right things and then it ends up biting you in the butt.
but Sometimes,
No one says anything.  At all.

This is the truth, if you ask me.  Right now, Braedon [the right person] is saying everything I don't want him to say and not saying everything I do.  It's times like these that I miss Blaze the most, because somehow he always knew exactly what I needed to hear.  Don't get me wrong, I love Braedon, he's wonderful.  But he just. . . I dunno.  It just isn't the same.  I am over Blaze.  I am and I know it.  That doesn't mean that I don't stop thinking about him.  You never stop thinking about the first person, or any person really, to break your heart.  And Blaze, with his endless promises and forevers, truly and completely screwed me over.

braedon: I do understand. but the best you can do is to have fun anyway.  The moment when you can look in their face with your head held high and not care of a single thing, is when you are truly over them.  Not when you dont want to see them or obsess about their actions.

How do I even reply?  I don't even know how.  It made me burst into the tears that have been threatening me for the past hour.  I am over him romantically but I'm not over the memories or the nostalgias.  I wanted more than anything to say, "Please just stop, can't you see this is hurting me?  I don't want to be told that I am obsessing over him [even though technically I am] and I don't want to be told that my strength and independance is a lie [which condenses into, you're not over him].  Just comfort me and tell me it will all be okay."  But I stopped at, "just stop, can't you see...ugh." even though I know at one point he'll read this.  All I want, all I've wanted for like this whole day or week or month, is to be told, "You are one of the best people I know and I love you."  I just want to not be the first person to text or the first person to say "I love you".  I know what I sound like.  I do and it's terrible but it's the truth.  I just don't want to cry anymore, I want to be held and comforted and loved again but no.

Do you see what I mean when I say sometimes the right people say the wrong things?  I love Braedon.  He's been there for me more than I deserve.  In fact I just don't deserve him as a big brother in general.  He is in every way the right person to cheer me up and he's done it countless times before.  But he's unwittingly said all the wrong things to me tonight, all the things that twist themselves deep into my soul and whisper, "you aren't good enough."  and all those things will stay rooted in my soul all night and all the pain will come out as saltwater.  And then my nice clean pillowcase will be drenched and stained yet again.

I know I obsess over him.  But I obsess over everything and everyone.  Just a little extra for him because of everything that's happened.

Life is so unfair.  In almost every way.

Well, at least I have my Charlie.
Love, StarFish.

PS. I don't see how saying the right thing is so hard.  I'm remarkably easy to cheer up if you know the right words.  Which I think he should by now.  He's used them, he knows them.  Ugh.

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