Have You Seen This Boy??? (cont.)

Continuing  my past filled night...
I read a notebook that Kortney and I had kept last year.  Around the same time that those texts were sent.
I found little conversations between he and I in there, ones that I wanted to show her, ones that concerned her, etc.  Like so:
Me: I need someone to watch Princess and the Frog with.
Blaze: I'll totally be that person!! :)
Me:  I'm pretty sure you'd find it awkward when one moment, I'm being all cuddly and hugging and all, then the next moment I'm sobbing on your shoulder...
Blaze:  When are you going to realie this? I. Care. About. You.  I promise it wouldn't be weird.
Me: I kinda think it would be...
Blaze:  It wouldn't. I promise. :)
Me: haha, thanks! But unfortunately, it probably will not happen...:P
Blaze: You never know. :)
Me: haha, you don't want me there...at every song, I would jump up and sing/dance.  I'm sure it would be very distracting. :)
Blaze: That would be amazing!
****
yeah. weird thing is, we did end up watching Princess and the Frog, just a couple of months ago. But we spent most of the time wrapped up in each other. Hm.

There were more conversations.  Maybe I'll share more someday, maybe not.  That was the one I loved though.  Oh I miss him.

those little repeated words are now so dearly treasured to me.  They remind me of who he was.
Oh Blazie. Oh love.
I miss you.

Have You Seen This Boy???

"dear cutie pie, i love you so so much! we must keep meeting at the park because I'm going to die without you! I have a feeling you are going to write more than me so I shall keep writing until you are done. I love you sweetie! sorry about the bad handwriting. oh and i need to tell you the favor before i forget!
i love you
i love you
i love you!
Blaze."
[yearbook-may 28]
"and thus...with nothing but pure silence: the fear that the one he loved is dead sets in. Thou noble man wanted, more than anything, to die. but because of the small promise to his beloved, he lies awake. awake from death. and cries a small but powerful cry to his love's own life. that he can only hope she still posses...Je t'aime. :*"
[may 5]
"goodnight. :) I think my love for you grew again today. :) I love you so so much. with all my heart and soul. you are my love. and you will always live inside me. :) my life will forever be more colorul thanks to you. ;) you saved my life more than once, and i have to thank you for that. i love you i love you i love you. :) sweet dreams my love.
[may 11]
(are you okay, Blaze?)
"No, I want you to text me more! But the only way to do that is to have two conversations...So I'm fine. :)"
[May 5]
"Laura, honey, sweetie, my love... I love you more."
[May 11]
These are just a couple of the texts I wrote down last May. This is BEFORE he kissed me. BEFORE we officially said it was romantic. we both were kidding ourselves when we were saying it wasn't. I used to have more of these but I threw them away after the breakup.  These were on a sheet that I found under my yearbook.  They made me BAWL.  My life back then...was so beautiful.  Every day, every night, I was showered with love and smiles and someone who fully and truly cared about me.  All of my friends could see how happy I was then.  Ask anyone.  I would skip from meeting him in the halls after english and giving/receiving a long, beautiful hug.  I would skip to math and be so happy and full of laughter and smiles, all through geometry!  I was happy all day, purely content with a boy who was my best friend.  Adding romance...it killed our beautiful friendship, even though we had both been thinking about loving beyond friendship [though we never admitted it to each other].  I'm so glad our relationship happened because I learned so much and I loved the beautiful parts, but I miss this friendship, this beautiful, soul sibling relationship we had with each other.  It was tru love.
....Have you seen this boy? Missing for over a month now. Over two months now.  Deeply missed.
I miss this boy. This boy I used to know.
Je t'aime, mon petit chou. :*



I love Harry Potter.



The First Time Someone Meant It.

Do you remember the first time you said you loved me?
It wasn't romantic. But I remember.
It was last February.  We stayed up all night talking to each other on facebook and through texting, all the way until six in the morning when you fell asleep.  We were reading MLIA and GMH and sending each other our favorite stories. I came across a very funny, slightly dirty story that I was a little wary of telling you, because I didn't know if you'd think it was funny or icky.  But I went on a limb and sent it and it turns out he had a dirtier mind than I.  He said, "You know... I love you. HAHA. Not romantically. but I do. :)"
I remember that night.

Silly Little Wonderings.

I wonder... Do you ever go back to that night?
Do you ever miss me?
Do you ever wish things were how they were?
Do you ever even think of me at all?
Do you truly still love me?
Do you want to see me again?
Do you ever get jealous of the people who see me every day?
Do you ever pretend you're hugging me, and not that pillow?

Are you lying when you say you don't hate me?
Are you lying when you say you don't hate talking to me?
Are you listening when I use my 11:11 wish on your happiness?
Are you truly taking out those pills?

Am I still beautiful to you?

Rebellion against your wishes!

honestly...you ruined too many perfect, good things.
things like bruno mars', just the way you are, song.
alice in wonderland the movie.
my favorite park.
watching movies on my bean bag.
love songs.
hidden pond.
the elementary school.
my best friend's upstairs.
my favorite dress.
the list of things i love.
making cute scrapbooked cards.
and so many more things that I enjoyed so much.
These same things just stop my heart, and my breathing. Because they painfully remind me of beautiful memories. That will never be again.
oh. and by the way. if you really think telling me i can't talk about you on my blog anymore is really going to stop me, then you're silly.  I told you to stop reading my blog.
oh. and don't tell me to simply stop trying ever again. because my aussie friend wants me to keep trying. he wants me to succeed. and therefore, the guy who lives across the world, the only guy i can truly count on, will keep me alive.

This Halloween.

This Halloween, for me, was full of little hidden meanings.  I'm being Ms. Pacman.  This meaning is that I'm constantly being chased by little problems, but I can also chase them right back. [and eat them. ish.]
My pumpkin- the front is a winky face. Very simply. Looks like this: ;) except on a pumpkin. That's to honor Zak and my new friendship. Back in the sixth grade, when we had a "thing", we passed a ;) notebook to each other.  Just kinda an inside joke now. So cute. :)
The back has a little heart.  No one will see it.  But it's there and it serves a purpose.  This kinda represents Blaze and me, and how we both have pushed that aside [maybe one more than the other ahem ahem] but it also represents that if any guy is looking at me now, he'll have to go find my heart. And it will not be easy.
Me staying home alone to pass out candy: I've been abandoned. By everyone.
I think... I could get hidden meanings out of everything. But I rather like these.
Love, StarFish.

God Knows I Can't Sing

Still waiting for someday.

Dear Love I miss you much
I miss your smile and I miss your touch
But I found a place where I can erase my past
Maybe someday when you're old and gray
And your hair falls out and your tattoos fade
You might see me standing
Hat in hand
I have to go away
I've got no reason to stay here
You said someday you'll change
But even a fool will tell you
Someday never comes
You built your rooms
You built your walls
You kept me outside of it all
I got tired of you
What's a girl to do
Maybe someday if we stay this way
And you see my face in a different place
You'll remember when
You're going to thank me then
I have to go away
I've got no reason to stay here
You said someday you'll change
But even a fool will tell you
Someday never comes

Stevie told me she thinks I should sing this to Blaze.  I think it describes what went down with us perfectly but God knows I can't sing.  So maybe putting it as a blog post will make up for that.
Love, StarFish.

My Little Piece of OCD

I have a very systematic way of eating trail mix.
First I separate it into three groups: peanuts/cashews/raisins, almonds, and MnMs.  I eat each group in that order.
For the peanuts/cashews/raisin group, I look at the ratio between nuts and raisins.  If there are more nuts, then I eat two nuts with each raisin, and vice versa.  I do that until they are all gone.
I then move on to the almonds.  I eat these one at a time.  I split them in half the long way with my teeth and eat them like so.
I then arrange the MnMs by color.  Brown, Yellow, Green, Orange, Blue, Red.  I've had some controversy between the green and the orange though, because I like the color green more and I save the best for last.  However, green is a cool color and orange is a warm color and I generally like warm colors more, so green goes before orange.
I have a very specific way of how I eat MnMs.  I put the end one of the front line in my mouth, and I suck.  After a couple of minutes, when it's all soft, I try to get the candy shell off the chocolate without sucking too much of the chocolate away or breaking it in half.  If I fail to do this, I get angry.
Also.  If someone steals an MnM that isn't from that front line, I get upset and feel very messed up.
I think we all have a little bit of OCD in us.

Let's call it Nostalgia.

I miss the way he'd take off my glasses and clean them for me.  Then carefully put them back on.
I miss that smile.
I miss him calling me cutie pie. and sweetie.
I miss him squeezing my hand three times to let me know he loves me.
I miss him singing softly alone with whatever song was inevitably playing on his phone to me.
I miss him talking endlessly about clothes.
I miss him sending me kiss smilies.
I miss him getting excited after Stevie and I had another photoshoot.
I miss him always telling me I'm beautiful.
I miss his kisses.
I miss him sending me cute songs that he knows I'll love.
I miss him holding me forever.
I miss him carefully turning my head for me.
I miss him calling me cute after I say something random.
I miss him getting jealous.
I miss him making plans for us.
I miss him saying he loves me more infinity. [even though it was never true.]
I miss him texting me until I fell asleep, then sending me something beautiful to wake up to.
I miss him.
I miss my blazie.