Messy, Messy, Messy.

I'm sorry to have left you in the dark this past month - in fact I'm surprised it's been a whole month but I am also surprised it's only been one month. I've always played with the idea of time relativity, but this summer has stretched my original notions of it further than any other experience or period of time in my life. For example, Jesse and I broke up on Wednesday, May 13th. It's been exactly seven weeks, or almost two months. I feel like I have PTSD, I feel okay most of the day but something triggers and I fall into depression and I miss him, miss him, miss him, and my friends say, "it's okay, Laura, it's hardly been any time at all, it's going to take a while" and I just want to scream because every single day has felt like such a battle, you know? How is it already July? How is it only July?

 

Not to mention, I've managed to inadvertently make a guy (David) fall for me; a truly fantastic guy that under any other circumstances or with different timing, I would be thrilled to fall into something with. But with my insides as messy as they are right now, I can't even think of opening myself up to someone else... But he makes such a good distraction, and holding him is as close to holding Jesse as I'm allowed to get, and in my weakest moments I have to fight myself to not go knock on David's door and let him comfort me. I've told him so many times that he deserves to be more than a rebound, and he knows that, but he says "whatever you want our relationship to be, I'm just happier when you're in my life" and I truly don't know what to do. I know it's not an easy fix and there's nothing I can actively do to move on, and I'm supposed to "relish" in my sadness and learn to appreciate how "exquisite" and "unique" it is (these are notions I read about when I googled "how to be ok"). But my personality leans so much more on just saying, "yeah, how exquisite that I can feel so much. How amazing that I could care for someone so much that this is how it feels now that I don't have him. Could I please stop feeling it now?"

 

I've been sad, but I've also been happy. I don't know exactly what the ratio is, but I would say it's about 50/50... Perhaps even 65/35, heavy on the happy side. I don't know. When I'm happy, I'm happy, but when I'm sad, I'm very, extremely, heart-wrenchingly sad. So even though I would say I spend more of my day happy than sad, it still feels much heavier on that 35%. Sadness is such a weight. I know I've been sad before, but I've been trying to figure out if it's ever been this heavy before. My heart is a deadweight in my chest, either silent or pounding so loudly I instinctively check for a passing car with their windows down. How exquisite! How unique!

 

Like every good cliché, I see memories everywhere. He introduced me to Electronic Dance Music, which I now love, so all of my favorite artists were also his and of course that means when I listen to music, I think of how we used to listen to it together. When I go to Taco Bell, I think of how back in the day when we were just starting to talk, I brought him tacos in the library while he studied; that was the first time we ever hugged and I realized what a great height he is. When I'm in David's room at the Pike fraternity house, I think of how on New Year's Eve I hid in that same closet to call Jesse in California and wish him a happy New Year. When I drive to Bri's house, I have to take the same route I used to take daily to Jesse's; that's a small torture in itself. I've used the term "drowning in memories" a few times this past month because it adequately explains why sometimes my throat contracts with no warning and I choke.

 

AND THEN I THINK OF HIM KISSING OTHER GIRLS, not mentioning that I've kissed other boys, AND IT LITERALLY TEARS AT MY INSIDES LIKE NOTHING I'VE EVER FELT BEFORE. Because when I kissed those other guys, three to be exact, it felt like I was going through the motions; I felt no fire and no passion, just a slightly enjoyable shadow of a feeling I used to have every single day. But what if for him, it's different?

 

When we "broke up", he promised we would get back together again someday. Last week, he said, "I still love you to death but I could never be with you again". Unfortunately I know which one is more likely, but I can't quash that little voice at the very bottom of my heavy heart that says, "but maybe in a few years..." How dare he promise. How dare I let him. Even now, I know being in a relationship with him (or anyone else) would be very harmful to my psyche in its healing condition, but I still think "what if we let something happen just for a night?" and I know that if he asked, I would go in a heartbeat.

 

It's due to those little thoughts that I have told all of my friends that if we are to see Jesse, we must turn around and run away without any misgivings. Despite this, I hope to run into him everywhere I go.

 

Sadness is important. It's healthy to miss someone. Nostalgia is key. But I would really rather stop feeling so much, please.

 

love, laura