Monday, September 17, 2012

Junioritis and First-Couple-Months-Of-Schoolitis.

My name is Laura, and I am struggling with Junioritis
[hi, Laura.]
It started when I was in sixth grade and got En Pointe and realized I am fully in love with Ballet, and it started when I decided acting was something I should be good at in seventh grade, and it started when my mom put me in the ALL program in fifth grade so that I'll forever have high expectations of myself, and it started when I got a job.

Look, I can't be Addy, much as I'd like to. I just can't.
And for another thing, maybe I am still the same as I was in sixth grade, in a way. I mean, yeah. I look and dress a lot better and I like boys a lot more. But I'm still on the line of inside and outside for most things. I'm no one's first choice of a bed partner for Shakespeare, I'm no one's first choice for a dance. I'm no one's first choice to cover their shift at work. I'm no one's first choice to do homework with or sing with or listen to or be around. The only place I'm first is in Kelsey's book, but that's a shelf just as full as mine.
So I'm not going to be the wordy, high bunned girl with perfect eyelashes and great style and huge intelligence that hides behind a high voice. I'm not going to be the girl that has her own style and can crump like no one's business. I'm not going to be the hair with the huge hair and even bigger heart, or the girl he took to Homecoming, or the girl with beautiful eyes and beautiful hair and has a chance with Teddy like I never did. I can't be any of you and I can't want to anymore, because that more than anything is what's burning me out this year. I need to stop killing myself over these feelings of not fitting in anymore and just find a way like I did last year, because I did and it was beautiful.
And you know what? Maybe I will ask him to a dance. Maybe I'll ask both of them to a dance and maybe they'll have fun and be glad I did.
love always, laura elizabeth.

1 comment: