I'm a full believer in the thought that everyone has their "someone". The person they think of when they're trying to go to sleep. The person they really hug when they hug a stuffed animal. It's not always romantic; it wasn't for me when my someone was Mitchell, a few years back. It wasn't when it was Braedon about a year ago [or now]. My full list of someones is remarkably short:
I'm also a firm believer in the fact that I am indeed, no one's someone. My someone, as I mentioned, is Braedon. But I know I'm not his because he has a REAL someone, someone he feels those special feelings about and not just a strong friendship, like we do to each other. So he's off the list. I'm definitely, DEFINITELY not Blaze's someone, not anymore. I don't talk to Mitchell enough. And Zak has too many girls on his mind for my being one of them to be special. It's fine. Maybe I will be someday, if I don't die first.
I think about that thought almost constantly, almost obsessively. What if I died tomorrow? What if I died tonight? What if I died the night before we open Fiddler? What if I died right before the next time I hug my someone-or anyone, since he seems to be about the only person that hugs me nowadays? What if?
Because of this I always try to make the last thing I say to anyone, whether it's before going to bed or the next period or home or wherever. I try to make it nice, not, your face is funny. or something like that. You know me. I say weird things all the time. But I try not to before saying goodbye just in case it's my last.
"Maybe tomorrow it will be better."
I say that. But do I mean it? Tomorrow I plan on making cookies. I plan on riding the bus and singing songs and smiling and laughing as I always do. I plan on reading in my empty time and then babysitting at six. Maybe it will be better because my little girls/baby boy that I babysit love me. Maybe it will be better because it's a friday. Maybe it will be better because someone will talk to me [besides Kelsie. But she kinda has to]. Today, I found out that if I didn't text anyone first, no one would talk to me. Is this because, like Blaze said, no one likes talking to me? Or do people simply forget about me until their phone reminds them?
I hate not being thought about. I think about almost everyone I know whenever I'm not sleeping, and even in my dreams people I think about pop up. I just wonder if it's so hard to return the favor. But I can't force someone to think about me, and I'm losing hope anyone ever will on their own.
I lied. One person did text me, all by herself. And to ask me to hang out Saturday, which makes it better. For that I appreciate our friendship even more than ever.
with much much love, especially to Miss Justyn,