Repetitions, comma splices, and a whole load of ugly.

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.
I'M TRYING.

I'm trying to prove J wrong about me.
I'm trying to understand math.
I'm trying to balance my life out.
I'm trying to eat healthy.
I'm trying to stop trying and just succeed.

Yes, I'm still trying to get over some things some one did to me
that have left me broken and bitter
for over a year now.

I'm still trying to stop letting one person's actions
cloud what everyone else is doing
now.

I'm still trying to understand why I wasn't enough for him.
I'm still trying to understand how he can't feel bad about it.
I'm still trying to understand how to trust another guy.
I'm still trying to understand why the slightest thing sets me off lately
and I'm still trying to understand why I'm crying.

I want to smash my face in a pillow and cry and cry and cry

but instead I get to wake up and get up
like nothing bad ever happened to me
like I think I can sing
like I am confident
like I believe fully in myself
like I know what I'm doing
like I know who I am
like I know what to do
and
like I know how to do precalculus

Please try to avoid all that emotion vomit up there.

I just don't know why I brought this all up tonight
I just don't know why I'm crying
I just don't know why he picked me
and I'm starting to think he doesn't either

--laura

Can we dance, real slow? Can I hold you, real close?

in the words of Kelsey:
dhgfhgkjhlk huoughhjfgdhydesteasfghfhjkgkjuh

in the words of Addy:
"and then he kissed me."


in my own words:

...what the ell-hay just happened tonight?!

Just some examples of what's racing around in my mind:

ALKLSNLKNGLHWIUETOIE

why did he kiss me?  did he want to? does he still? was I okay?

am I being cliche?

holy hannah freak oh my gandhi

what's going to happen now?

has he told anyone? does he want to tell anyone? is he happy he did it?

is he happy it was me?

OMGOOMGMOGMOG

does he not want me to tell anyone, like blaze?

how does he feel about it?

what does he think of me? how has he felt of me?

why me?

oh my cheese he had his pick of girls that would've gladly been his first and he picked me

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW?!

am I being obsessive?

...am I being OVERLY obsessive?

oh my gandhi, tonight happened...??

with literally all the love in my heart,

laura.

disclaimer:  I wrote this last night, right after.  Due to a loss of internet [those are becoming far more frequent for my taste] it wasn't able to be posted that moment.  These are all the words from last night, however.

Another, just because.

The bed is always most comfortable when you have to get out of it.
The shower is always warmest when you have to leave it.
The homework is always hardest when you have no time/patience to do it.
The time will always move faster when you want it to slow down.
The words will always be louder when you're trying to sleep.
The week is always shorter when you have more to do.
The breathing is always quicker when you want to appear calm.
The shaking is always most noticable when you want it to disappear.
The singing is always worst when you're trying your best.
The words are always more faulty when you want to sound smarter.
The reasoning and the comebacks are always best an hour after they could have been applied.

But the tears don't always wait until the dark of the night to fall.

But things change and people change
and someday we'll all
sing hakuna matata around the fire
and fall in love with the beatles
[and maybe each other]
all over again.


I don't mind spending every day
out on your corner in the pouring rain
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay awhile

love laura.

My here and nows keep turning into our then and theres.

I want to be remarkable.
I think everyone is remarkable, can't I be remarkable?
What a remarkable word, remarkable.

I think I'm made of a remarkabLY LARGE
conglomeration
of things I think I should be
and things I've always wanted to be
but are they really me?
Does that mean I myself am remarkable?
Except,
who am I?

If I died tomorrow,
would I be one of those people
that you have to sit and think
and make up new reasons and hidden intentions
that the person in question didn't even know
they did?
Does being remarkably plain mean you're remarkable?
But am I remarkably plain?
If I died today, would you think,
"She was remarkable at _____."
or
"She was remarkably _______."
or would you think,
"She was a good person and I'll miss her."
Because that's the standard.
I know people would think that, I know that's what most would think.
How many would think of me as a remarkable human?
Have I even done anything remarkable in my life?

Will I do something remarkable in my life?
Will someone I don't know remember me in thirty years?

I remember in eighth grade, I met a friend of a friend.
I heard her name but forgot instantly.
Sometime later, maybe a day, maybe a week,
I saw a girl in the hallway.  I remember thinking,
"She's pretty.  I wonder why she put that weird streak in her hair? I sort of like it... I wish I knew someone like that."
and then, as she passed, she smiled at me and said,
"Hi Laura!"
I was blown away.
That was remarkable.

Be someone who smiles at everyone you've seen in the hallways
and say hi to them all, too
because that is a remarkable thing to do.

tonight, I wonder
how I can be surrounded by so many
remarkable people and things
and not have anything to show for it.

tonight, I think of the irony
of blogging behind my
mom's back
of blogging instead of
finishing psychology homework
of blogging due to random
whims and random thoughts
of blogging without thinking
much at all.

what to you say to falling in love?

love, starfish

It's okay. I'm okay.

Drew. On thursday, Drew was in those two classes.
He witnessed it all.
He sat by me and put his arm around me and let me put my head on his shoulder and then
later that day
he came by and he asked if I was okay and if I
wanted to talk
and it meant the world and the sun and the stars
to me.

Drew, you are my hero.

It'll be okay if I have Drew and you and Kelsey too.

tap on my window
knock on my door, I
wanna make you feel
beautiful

love laura.

"I wish time would stop right now." "me too."

It's quite ridiculous how many times I've started a blog post about you and then slowly deleted the whole thing.

All I know is I want to be with you all day long.
All I know is I can't stop reliving that night.
All I know are the cat-napping butterflies in my stomach,
ready at moment's notice to rise and swirl around
and float my heart all over my body and make
my mouth go all dry and redirect my feet to
any possible place you might be.

I can't stop thinking about how your hand felt on mine,
or your heartbeat under my ear,
or your whisper on my skin,
or your hand in my hair,
or your arm around me,
or your laugh reverberating through my bones.
I can't stop thinking about how you made me,
make me feel.
I can't stop thinking about how Blaze was never like you,
how even when he was supposedly mine,
he never cared so much about these
random things about me.

You make me crazy.
You make my world go all crazy.
Can't we be crazy kids together?

Could we relive that Saturday night?
Could we fast forward to this Saturday night?
Could we fall in love?

love, hippie.

Who knew all I needed to let go was something else to hold on to.

And for those two hours that lasted but a moment, nothing was wrong, not even my frozen toes.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

But a moment can't last forever
and reality can't abstain forever

love, hippie

I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello.

Hello, Shakespeare team.
Hello, Homework done at three thirty. For A and B day.
Hello, Soccer game on Friday with two great guys to watch my best friend.
Hello, New phone tonight.
Hello, Pottermore email.
Hello, Lyrical class.
Hello, New clothes/compliments on said new clothes.
Hello, Life lessons in Musical Theater.

Goodbye, terrible "Into the Woods" audition.
Goodbye, waking up late.
Goodbye, being isolated for A1-A3.

Your turn.

Live the life you imagined.  Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.

Love, Laura.