Saturday, January 22, 2011

funny how the "bad memories" were once classified as the "really really amazing memories".

Life isn't fair.  Everyone knows that.  It has an excuse of keeping things interesting.

But you aren't life.  You didn't have an excuse to not be fair.

Blaze, I'm over you.  I've used the words, "that boy is dead to me" a few times now when people ask about how I'm doing in terms to you.  I don't want you to be dead.  But I don't really care to talk to you anymore.  Which is fine for you, since I found out I'm annoying and a pain to talk to.  But contrary to what you said, not everyone thinks I'm annoying to talk to.  Just fyi.
Look.  You never had to hurt me.  I remember the night where you came up on facebook chat [we hadn't been texting because I lost my phone, remember? it ended up being in my shoe.] and you said hey.  You said. hey.  Not, hey (: or hey! or hey i love you. . .or anything like I had gotten used to over the summer.  No, this hey. was what I had gotten used to since about a week into school.  When you talked to me.  Which wasn't often.  Warning sign numero uno.
My emotion level was running high.  Tension was rolling off of both of us, in different ways.  You were acting like nothing was wrong until you said:  Would you consider us to be in an open relationship?
I said, not really. . .because I didn't!  Not with his forevers or our supposed love.  None of it pointed to an open relationship.  Then he said something that made my blood turn cold: Can it be?
My heart was screaming, NOOOOOOOO!! and my head was whispering, i told you so... but my fingers wrote, why?
He said it was nothing.  He said it was because he was naturally flirty around other drama geeks and he didn't want to have to feel bad when he said something somewhat flirty to someone in his productions class.  He tried to continue manipulating me into staying his, as I'm now beginning to realize I was, his makeout buddy.  I hesitantly agreed with what he was saying, pretending I bought it, but inside I was thinking,
If you really love me as much as you said you did, why would you even want to be flirting with other girls?
Of course, I didn't know this was exclusively Sarah at the time.  That of course would've made it worse.  But on with the story.
Next thing I knew, I checked your profile and it said [and I even switched back from pirate language to be sure I understood] you were now in an "open relationship".
That. Hurt.
I said:
you switched to in an open relationship. . .
You said:
well isn't that what we are now?
no. no. nonononononNO.
I thought, i cant do this anymore.
I said, I can't do this anymore.
I said a whole lot of other crap.  About how I still loved you but I just didn't feel like you loved me back anymore and that you didn't really care about the relationship anymore.  I made sure to get the point across that if your feelings changed back then I would still be around [thinking, this will happen in a week or two of not having me].
He said,
wait, you're breaking up with me?
I said a whole lot more crap about how I still loved you and I just didn't feel like you cared enough anymore, etc.
you said,
then you logged off.

did one single freakin tear drop off your stupid face that night?  Or were your thoughts on Sarah again, glad to be rid of any distraction?  Do you realize how much that conversation killed me?

if so, do you even care?

Blaze, I loved you.  For some time I know you loved me too.
why wasn't I good enough?
from Laura.

PS.  Braedon gave me a hug through a stuffed animal.  It brought tears to my eyes.  He's never made me cry from sadness and you've never made me cry from love. Thank God we don't talk anymore.

and to all of my other readers,
Love StarFish.

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