Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Being over you and having you not be influencing my life [or at least the things you've done influencing my life] are unfortunately two very different things.

Remember last June, when the week before you went to EFY was the week that you decided the flame of our love would be ignited, so you kiss me?  And you promised and promised that nothing would change when you went to EFY.  You promised that no matter what your feelings wouldn't change.  We would make it through the five days without talking to each other and come out on the other side perfectly fine and still in love.  You promised.
Of course, the freakin Monday of that week Sarah texted me [through Courtney's phone] that Blaze had been flirting with her all week.  I mean you had told me that you sorta still liked her but it was nowhere near how much you loved me, but you never told me you were telling her you loved her and that you were sending her the same dumb love songs we sent each other.  I thought, I'll just talk to him when he gets back I guess but then I got a text saying he liked Sarah more.
Needless to say, that crushed me.
I spend the week nursing my broken heart with Stevie, who spend nearly every night with me.  Worst idea:  watching Alice in Wonderland, which I watched with him [and some other people] while holding his hand.  Best idea: watching Step Up.  If it has to do with dance, it'll help me.
Thanks to that instance, I am always freaked out when people don't talk to me, when they randomly stop talking to me.  I always think that somehow their feelings changed no matter what they said and they don't like me anymore or they think I'm boring.  Or they just don't like me anymore.  That's my deepest, deepest fear, especially with people like Braedon...  I have this whole internal conversation in my head that usually goes something like this:

He's probably just busy.
what if he isn't?
Braedon wouldn't do that to me.  He's probably just shielding me from a bad mood or learning a new guitar song or something.  Shut up.
But what if he saw the last thing you said and decided you were boring, and that he didn't want to talk to you anymore?
But. . .he wouldn't. . .
Wouldn't he?  Remember Blaze?  You were certain with him too and look where that got you.
He's told me a few times that he loves talking to me!
Only because you get all insecure with him and he's tired of your whining and he wants to shut you up.  Plus, Blaze claimed to love you.
Stop comparing Braedon to Blaze!
But you know you're thinking it too.
shut up. . .please. . .
See?  You know I'm right.
I'm just going to text him and see if he's busy or what.
Do you know how easy it'd be to lie to you about that?  And plus, haven't you bothered him enough?
I need to know!

So I proceed to text Braedon feeling stupid and needy and insecure and he texts back with a totally legitimate reason and I feel stupid and I want to scream for having that stupid little voice in  my head.  I just want to scream!

I want what happened with Blaze to stop affecting my friendship with Braedon.  I shouldn't let myself compare the two because they couldn't be more different.  I hate feeling so pathetic and insecure.  I want to be self-assured.  But I'm just not.  I've tried.

I hate this.
and I hate blaze for doing this to my mind.

Well, even if I am crazy, I still love you.  Especially you.
Love, StarFish.