Monday, May 18, 2015

On How To Be Okay.

For a long time, I thought blogging was somewhat narcissistic. Like, here's my life and how I feel about it, now read it and care about it. But I kept doing it because it makes me feel good for some inexplicable reason; in my last post, I even said I didn't want to try to figure it out because right now, more than ever, I just want to feel good. Well, it was in the quest for happiness that I think I've figured it out.

Today has not been easy for me. The best way to describe it is that sometimes, I'm very okay with where I am and where it is in relation to my future. Sometimes, I'm not okay because of where I am and where it is in relation to my expectations of the future. Sometimes, though, I'm not okay because I just don't want to be okay. And that's okay, too. That being said, the first half of this day was spent with me not being okay because I didn't want to be okay, not yet. I know I don't need Jesse, that's never been a question. I can exist and I can have happy times without him, this has already been proven to me. But today, I didn't want that to be okay with me because I want to have happy times with him, too. I want it all. I want everything to work out. I want him. I was spiraling down into being not okay and missing him, and missing him, and missing him more.

As it always does, this wave of sadness passed, mostly because I'm learning how to control them better. I find that losing myself into someone else's journey of healing and self-discovery has been the most helpful for me when I'm feeling not okay and not wanting to pull myself out of it. More explicitly, I read "Eat Pray Love", a wonderful book that I recommend to everyone and anyone who asks. It was during one of these therapeutic sessions with Elizabeth (the author) that I suddenly realized why blogging is such an incredible thing.

The best way to describe it is that as a society, it's become difficult for people to admit publicly how highly they think of themselves. We take selfies, find our favorites, edit them to get rid of any insecurities, and post them so that everyone knows how happy we are with the way we've cultivated ourselves to look. This lifestyle takes a great deal of critique; the "she posts a selfie every other day on Instagram, does she ever do anything actually worth posting a picture of, she loves herself way too much, etc" phrases that are thrown around like water off a dog. I myself am guilty of saying things like this, which is why I know it's so prevalent. However, I said these things before I learned how okay it is to love yourself endlessly. It was before I realized that there is a huge difference between narcissism and self-appreciation.

Nature is easy to appreciate because we don't have to put any work into it for it to be stunning. We don't even have to travel anywhere to see pictures of places and understand their beauty. Large cities are easy to appreciate because of just how much work we've put into them. Standing in the middle of the hustle and bustle of somewhere like New York City, you understand how many ideas, blueprints, and sweat it took to create such a fascinating place. As humans, we are both the body we have been given and the ways we've taken to cultivate it. We are stunning because of the miracle it took for intellectual thought as well as how much it takes for the human body to physically work the way it does. We are equally as stunning for the daily experiments we conduct on our lives; "What should I wear? How should I do my hair? How do I interact with others? How do I make a difference?" Every thing about our world is a work of art, and if we can recognize that in the other aspects of our life it's about time we recognize it in ourselves, too.
So, that's why I love blogging, along with all the other forms of social media. I love expressing myself. I love sharing myself with anyone who wants to be part of it, because I recognize the beauty in myself and the way I choose to live. It doesn't make me narcissistic or self-absorbed, because I don't think I'm perfect and I'm constantly trying to improve. But I've finally fully realized that the stage of life that I'm currently in is exactly where I should be, and every emotion I experience is a miracle because it's another expression of the divinity that resides within me. That's why it's okay to be okay and it's okay to not be okay and it's okay to be somewhere in between.

love laura

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