Friday, May 15, 2015

A Non-Explanation

I know this is the part where I apologize for not writing in so long and I try to fill you in on everything that's happened, but I'm just not going to, because it wasn't the time for blogging and now I guess it is again. That's all there is. I'll just say this: I had a boyfriend for the past five months or so, and as of last night I don't anymore. And something I've realized is: I don't owe anyone an explanation.

I cared for so long about what people would think if I said we broke up even though we plan on being together again, because I feel like that's one of those "taboo" things; the ex-girlfriend being devastated over giving up on a relationship that eventually she goes crawling back to it for the sake of normalcy and intimacy and familiarity. Every time I tell someone that I am newly single, I feel the need to rush and tell them that this isn't the case - we aren't together now because we want to be together later, we need to figure ourselves out, and all other sorts of explanations that are really just hours and hours of conversation between Jesse and me that I'm trying to condense into a single explanation as to why this breakup is only sort of a break up because I am still his. And then I want to make sure they know that this isn't one-sided, it wasn't just my idea but he is the one that pinky promised we would be together again, I'm not being the crazy ex-girlfriend that is in denial about letting go. I am still his. I am still planning on being his. We are not together now because we will be again someday soon. I repeat this like a mantra and while it is validated to me, it's not something I can fully articulate to others because they weren't there for all the hours he and I talked about this and refined the details and cried together. All they see is a girl in love with endless amounts of salt water drying on her cheeks, forcefully trying to convince her friends that this isn't a normal breakup as if she needs convincing herself. Well, I don't need to convince myself.

You don't owe anything to anyone. The very first priority in your life is YOU. Do what's best for you, and if trying to explain things is detrimental to your ability to be okay with those things, then stop trying to explain them. Everyone wants details. Everyone wants the whole story, everyone wants to be in the know because everyone wants to add it to their own personal life experience. But none of them will fully understand because none of them have lived it. Sometimes it helps to talk about things and sometimes it helps to be distracted from things. I've talked and talked and talked about this thing, I've spun it in circles and doubted it and defined it and re-defined it, I've put restrictions on it then gotten rid of them and then had them reinstated. I know this thing inside and out. I don't need to talk about it. And I don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks about it because it's what's right for me, my future, and the person I love; it wasn't created for or by anyone else but us.

So I know everyone who finds out that we are not currently together will want to know the details, because if I were in their shoes I would want to know too. But this is my official statement, this is me reminding myself more than anyone else that I don't owe any explanations and I don't need to care what anyone thinks. As to why this is a blog post and not a journal entry, well. I could try to figure out why it feels so much better to put this on the internet rather than hide it away and I could remind myself that not everyone needs to know how I feel or what I think, but I don't want to analyze any more. Writing it as a post instead of entry makes me feel good. Knowing it's out there for the world to read rather than my eyes only makes me feel good (even though my estimated number of readers of this post is three or four). And, whatever. Do what makes you feel good.

So, let this be your explanation. I had a boyfriend and now I don't.

love laura

1 comment:

  1. I know this is kind of an older post, but I just found it and it touched me. I recently went through something that sounds very similar to what you are describing here, and it sucks and it's hard, but reading this post made me feel a lot better about things and not alone. I miss you. Thank you for sharing. I am always here to listen. I love you.