Monday, September 16, 2013


"And my only regret is having regrets."
Everything is so different.
Everything is the same.
Everyone is so different.
Everyone is the same

I'm stuck. I'm stuck in limbo. I'm stuck in a reality of knowing everyone and knowing no one.

It's like I'm so close to freedom, it's like I'm so close to a fresh start that I can literally taste the Starbucks that I will drink so independently. I'm so close I already don't have the money for basic needs, such as food. I'm so close I've already alienated myself from everyone I know. In fact, I'm so close I can almost feel myself bouncing back. I can almost feel myself running right back over bridges that have long since burned away, running back to people who's backs have been turned for far too long. I'm running back and I'm running forward and I'm trying so hard to just stand still, all at the same time, and I don't know how to be independent and I don't know how not to be, I don't know how to let go but I don't know how to hold on, either.

This is limbo, folks. This is Senior Year.

It's funny to me, that limbo is called what it is. I mean, you have the limbo that I'm talking of, a sort of in between, abstract idea of a place where you're trying to get to where you're going by going as far away as possible while staying in the same exact place; but you also have the other limbo, the game that they play at cheesy Hawaiian parties where you have to lean back as far as you can to pass under a bar someone else has set. It's funny to me, because aren't they the same thing? Aren't I bending over backwards trying to reach the standard that was set by someone else? Couldn't I lose my balance at any moment? Isn't everyone waiting for that to happen?

I'm currently so stuck on the idea of moments that last infinity. I have so many, too many to count, too many to name, too many to remember, but they're still there. They're still affecting me. They still pop up in moments of "Remember When?" And maybe they aren't hilarious moments that I can tell at parties, that'll make everyone like me, but they're important memories all the same because I wasn't worrying about the past, I wasn't worrying about the future, I wasn't even worrying about the present; I was just living. Isn't that a great standard to live by? Isn't that an impossibly low bar to limbo under?

Don't worry, life is only as difficult and depressing as you make it. Don't worry, vulnerability is a losing characteristic nowadays. Don't worry, I can use anaphora in everything I do and recognize that I'm doing it.

Don't worry, because I'll be here long after I'm gone.
love always, laura elizabeth.

No comments:

Post a Comment