"Florita" and other important things.

"I know you're not perfect, but I think you're great anyway."

And all day, feelings have been rising from their roots and growing again, and I don't know if it's some phantom limb or the actual thing, but it feels more real to me than it has in months. In months. I go and all of sudden the words start buzzing like a hummingbird's wings, incomprehensible but still there, still so solidly there and I can't ignore them. It's like those chocolates, that sat on my shelf for months, for months, and I just looked at them every day and couldn't do a blessed thing about them because what does one do with a present someone gave to you before you rocked their world? What does one do with those feelings after you tell yourself to stop feeling them?

I suppose it goes without saying, but no matter what I say, I am still me, and no matter what you do, you are still you, and no matter what we pretend, we are still us and we will always be us. We can't change that. I can't change that. I don't know how to change that and I don't want to change that. We'll always be this in between and we'll always be more than nothing but less than something, in all sense of the phrase. You will always be you and I will always be me and because of that, we will always be us.

I just don't know how to live like I'm dying, I don't know how to live like I'm living, either. I don't even know what that means. Right now I'm living and some day I won't be. Can't I live like I'm immortal because in this moment I am and forever will be? Can't we live in our moments? Do we always have to live for the next one? If you keep living for your next moment, at some point, you're living for something that doesn't even exist, aren't you? Where am I going with this? Where are we going with us? Where is He going with me?

I don't mean to be rude, but what do you do and why do you do it? What will it ever accomplish? Shouldn't you live for this moment and not any of the ones before? Isn't that what I'm doing today? Why can't I have the answers?

When I got my wisdom teeth out two years ago, I fell asleep with my coat on. When I woke up, it was off. I kept asking, "When did I take off my coat? Who took off my coat?" and the doctor kept saying, "Shh, shh, stop talking. It'll only make it worse." And of course, this just made me more panicky, because why was it easier for him to say that instead of just telling me when I took my coat off? Why did he think that would be easier for me to hear? I never found out when I took off my coat that day, and I hope that isn't some sort of foreshadowing for how my life will play out.

love always, laura elizabeth.

"Don't ask, don't tell" tell-all.

It was bound to happen, really. Like, it was a night three weeks in the making, practically.

It's funny how when some inhibitions let go, some voices of reason come back. Voices of reason that say, "What does it matter if you drive by his street at one in the morning? Is he going to see you? No. So why would you?" And so you don't, despite a million and one times where that didn't matter. Voices of reason that say, "So let him be. Let yourself be."

And of course, letting go of the inhibitions is part of the rules. You give some, you take some, and some just had to go. That's just how you play. And in this game, this boy always wins. It could practically be called his game. It's in how he treats you all night, it's in how he responds barely then completely. It's in the "goodnight" text he sends half an hour later. It isn't coincidence, you know. Sure, he might be thinking about you, but he's thinking about how he can get you to keep coming back, and that's the real reason he presses send. Mitchell has succeeded in making me cynical, people. He's accomplished almost the impossible in making a true romantic see reality.

Another voice of reason- "Why don't you name him on your blog? It's silly. He's just a person." And so I listen tonight, instead of ignoring it, like in the past million and one posts.

He succeeded. You succeeded. I succeeded, but I lost, too.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Heaven and Hell: an analysis.

I never really had words, but at least I used to think I do.

 

 

But here's the thing:

we fall without meaning to

and we love without trying to.

we hope without meaning to.

we die without trying to.

if you haven't recognized that,

you're in denial and need to soul search

(or something.)

 

Speaking of soul searching,

I'll meet you all again in the stars someday.

I try not to think of all the people I won't know in ten years,

because they're my world and it's like the world explodes

every time I say goodbye.

I don't let go easy.

Addy once said I taught her to let go easy,

and I'd like to intervene and say that she doesn't know me very well,

because I don't let go easy.

I grab on too fast,

I hold on too tight,

and I don't let go easy.

I'll search for you in the stars.

I'll search for those nights, those feelings.

Every feeling, every person, every moment,

they make up the stars,

and someday I'll have the time to search through them again.

I'll see you then.

 

love always, laura elizabeth.



We did math together today.

Darlin' it was good

never lookin' down

and right there where we stood

is holy ground

 

 

I just... I remember.

I don't want to go back and I don't want to skip forward,

because who would have known those nights would be the best of my life?

I've had amazing nights because they were so incredibly mundane and cliche,

but so unique and everything I need,

and I don't realize it now,

but these are the best nights and days of my life,

and it's okay if I work for some of them,

and it's okay if some of them are spent alone,

and it's okay if they don't go as planned

because they'll still be the best I have to live for,

and this is the oldest I've ever been and the youngest I'll ever be again,

and I want to stick a bookmark in this year, in this month,

that says, I remember and these are the best nights of my life.

Thank you everyone for being a part of them, thank you, thank you. Thank you.

You're a part of me. He's a part of me. She's a part of me.

I am my experiences and my experiences are all of you and thank you and I love you.

love always, laura elizabeth.



Hallelujah.

I did my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

And even though it all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

 

 

 

mom: "It's not that I don't like your pumpkins, I just think you should carve things that are more halloweeny"

me: "Because something called 'Deathly Hallows' isn't Halloweeny at all ... Also, Harry Potter's parents died on Halloween."

lindsey: "How do you know that?"

alex: "She's a geek."

me: "I prefer nerd."

 

random blog reader: "So glad I stumbled across your blog something something!"

me: "AND I LOVE YOU, RANDOM CITIZEN!"

 

me: "Yep, girls are pretty crazy. Like the whole preference thing! Girls ask so early it's insane! ... Like take you, I bet you were asked over the Summer or like two months ago or something."

guy I want to take to preference: "No, I actually haven't been asked! and I am pretty positive I won't be either!"

me: "....that is a silly thing to be positive about."

 

him: .....

me: .....

(me: I actually feel fine about this.)

 

ballet teacher: "So..."

me: "Yeah, I'll be there Thursday, definitely."

 

love always, laura elizabeth.



The truth, bare and unchanged.

Brushing my teeth,

thinking about it all,

then starting to bawl.

 

That is my life.

 

 

Yes, I miss it.

Ballet, I mean.

It's been about five weeks and I've said it feels good to have the extra time but I'm just now noticing no, it isn't.

I miss it so much that I cry,

and maybe I don't want to be told I don't care enough anymore.

If I didn't care, don't you think I'd be there instead of here?

Sorry, I was going to not be vague here, but it's hard.

It's almost one in the morning and tomorrow's a school night,

and it's been a fine day,

but it hasn't been a fine week

and it hasn't been a fine five weeks

and I'm just crying because of it.

I'm just crying.

I'm crying because he still cares but we can't anymore,

we just can't. We can't.

We haven't let go but we have to, we have to.

I've held on so long,

but that's because he cares and he cares so much

and I need someone to care about me

and I need to not need someone to care about me

but I don't know how

and I'm just crying. I'm just crying.

 

I just want to go back to Ballet.

I want to go back to when I first got my pointe shoes

and I didn't know what it was like to be loved

and what it was like to have to learn to let go

 

and it's a good thing I can type without looking

because I can't even see the screen anymore

 

I'm a ballerina, really, please, aren't I?

love always, laura elizabeth



Tie Dye.

So, whatever, one of the best nights of my life, NBD.

Addy: "Just make out already!"

(x100000000000000)

 

 

And right now, I'm just glad there are a million pictures of everything in the world.

Maybe not of Taft and me, last night, dancing and living,

but of things like cats in top hats and shoes.

I'm glad there are a million songs waiting to be discovered,

especially if you discover them on a cd from a good friend.

I'm glad there are a million flowers to be smelled,

and trees to be climbed,

and stars to count,

and pinteresting things to make,

 

and I'm especially glad there are a million people I've met,

a million people I know,

and a million people waiting for me in the next million tomorrows.

 

go dancing.

love always, laura elizabeth.



AU92311256.

It's fading from my arm, but it won't fade from my memory.

 

 

Those moments; every moment. Every person.

Lessons and tributes dripping down our faces

buried feelings uncovered and vulnerable,

hearts plain on our striped sleeves.

 

Every second, every laugh, every word. Every tear

changed

Us, each other, the audience,

in memory and gut-wrenching love.

 

Never Forget.

 

love always, laura elizabeth.



Wake Me Up When September Ends.

And boy, am I waking up to a crazy week.

 

 

Life comes at you fast

sometimes, you just need to blink

and let the world change

 

Summer turns to fall

like sunlight will turn to clouds

the rain that will drop

 

And now he's leaving

no one said it'd be easy

I will miss him so

....

 

Lize, this is for you

because I think you're lovely

thank you for reading

 

Mattie, Melissa,

Kelsey, Taft, Teddy, Gretel

And of course, Clark, thanks.

 

Life comes at you fast

but I think we can keep up.

Love always, Laura.