"And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that can be."
-Perks of being a Wallflower
There is one quote that always comes back to me and I always thought I understood it, and now I really understand it and now it is teaching me about myself and it is depressing me and thrilling me and most of all, relieving me, because you guys, we accept the love we think we deserve. I want to shout this from my roof with tears streaming down my face, because I think everyone needs to know just how much this is true and how applicable this is and just how relevant this is, because we do, we accept the love we think we deserve. I won't do this, however, and not just because I'm not really sure there's a way onto my roof but also because this is something everyone needs to learn for themselves, I suppose, even if they're the type of people that don't read books and don't think abstractly and don't really think at all (I really don't like these people). But if you're reading my blog, then I feel like we have a close enough relationship that I can tell you a little secret about mankind: we accept the love we think we deserve.
It's terrifying, I know. It's beautiful, I know. But maybe you're wondering why it's so relieving to me.
It's relieving because I guess it means I can justify how I feel. It means I can stop beating myself up for something I can't help, because the fact that I can no longer accept any love from Travus just means I don't think I deserve it. And I don't. What have I done to deserve the opened doors and the time and the food and the energy and the absolute adoration when I am completely incapable of reciprocating? It's been a fairytale, but I have far too much to do here in reality to continue indulging it. I've held on because I've been cherishing being cherished, but I've finally accepted that I simply cannot accept it because I truly don't think I deserve it.
This isn't to say I don't think I deserve very much. This isn't to say I think I deserve more. This is just to say, I think I deserve someone I know how to love. What does that even mean? I don't know yet. I don't know what it takes in a man to let me love them and accept their love because I clearly haven't experienced it yet. Will I experience it? Hence why this idea terrifies me. Hence why it depresses me, but also why it excites me, because there is such a variety of personalities in the world and I intend to encounter as many of them as I can. I truly don't believe I'm going to find it where I am right now. I have an ember of curiosity buried in the heart of my heart that cannot be doused, and all I want is to feed the flame and I don't know how yet but I know, I just know that someday I will. And that's why it's so necessary that I get out as soon as I can, without a backward glance, and when that day comes I don't want to have to think about all the love I wasn't able to accept. So this is my post saying that this so-called ending of a so-called something doesn't make me sad, though it certainly doesn't make me happy; it makes me motivated. So in the coming months, if you hear indistinct shouting from my general direction you'll know I'll have found a ladder, and in the coming months I hope you realize what love you deserve and are able to accept it, and in a few years time I'll send a postcard from wherever I'll be and let you know what else I'll have discovered. Until then..
love always, laura elizabeth.
oh, ps. Happy New Year.