"Maybe this is frustration speaking but time is stealing everything away from me."
Maybe my biggest problem is that I was always the stronger and the older and the more experienced and maybe I thought that trying something new would bring new results, and maybe I thought that I would be better at letting go this time around than I ever have been before but if you want the complete and utter truth, this is it, because these nights, these nights of driving recklessly because every time your body shakes with a new sob the wheel jerks just a little bit and because every time more saltwater suddenly wells up in front of your vision everything becomes a blur, and maybe that's poetic and maybe it isn't but all I can think when that happens is how much it's like life, how one moment everything is so clear and clean cut and then suddenly you can't see again and when, when, when will it end,
but if you want the complete and utter truth, it's that just because I'm the one breaking my own heart doesn't mean it's any less broken, and maybe that's something I never realized before but no matter what I always end up hurting myself just as much as I hurt everyone around me because even though someone else's words didn't end things, it's the what-ifs that always and inevitably follow that tear me apart, and they don't tell you that,
they tell you it's so much better to be the heart breaker but what they don't tell you is that no matter what, your heart is going to be a little broken and if not broken then at least bruised because any time you play games with loving someone there's no way you can come out of it unless you were never playing in the first place,
and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I never finish my sentences or my relationships and I'm so sorry that I'm so much more honest when I can write it out on a blog I started back when I was so much more innocent, and I'm so sorry this is the way you found out but at the same time that's what I wanted, isn't it?
And I will not forget how it made me feel last night, how I keep saying as loud as I could that I'll never be able to get married because I'm trying to hide how scared I am that I'm right in that, I will not forget how I kept almost catching your eye from across the room and how attentive I was to the amount of space between the two of you, I will not forget how I was sitting behind you and I saw the space evaporate like the water off my cheeks, I will not forget how the music that I listened to two years ago was playing and I could hear you singing along to the songs I associate with someone else but similar feelings and,
and oh how I wish I could forget so many things tonight, oh how I wish I could forget it all and go back a few months to before I came to my senses because even though I know what I did was right I can no longer hide my fear of being alone and I can not pretend tonight that my biggest wish is simply to be held again, and that is why when I see you tomorrow morning there will be the slightest of salt residue on my face
true to my own word, like I'm completely unable of finishing anything right I cannot figure out how to finish this ode to loneliness and love and their intimate, abusive relationship, maybe it's enough to say that I'll see you in seven hours and I don't know if I can say that you'll be looking for me or just seeing me because I don't know if you mean to be playing these games or if you're just playing with life, and as much as I profess to hating games I would rather those than what I fear is reality because at least that means you still care and THAT IS ALL I WANTED and THAT IS WHY I DESERVE TO BE BROKEN-HEARTED TONIGHT.
love always, laura elizabeth.