L E A V E

How in the world did you come to be such a lazy love

and where did you go

[ONCE]

The more you tell me about all the times you almost ran away
the more I tell you about all the times I almost stayed
but the moon was never one for yelling
and I am far better at listening to a whisper than a scream

It took me so long to recognize the two stages of a dandylion
and I'm still trying to put all the wishes back on the stem
I'm still trying to fill in the holes on my eyelash lines
I'm still trying to forget the significance of an eleven

For some godforsaken reason I am still trying to be innocent
and the ensnared hair in my fingers can testify to how well that is working
I am still trying to remember how it feels to not feel
but I am still trying to forget how it feels to not feel, too,

Leave the wishing for the romantics, love,
leave the hoping for the optimists and the complaining for the pessimists
leave the world for the realists and for the theorists
leave the rights and the trees to the activists

leave only for yourself what you know how to do, love,
leave only for yourself who you know you are
and leave what you've done in the past and
leave what you will do in the future
and try not to leave your present

love always, laura elizabeth.

Lonely Parts of Living.

"Maybe this is frustration speaking but time is stealing everything away from me."

-this beautiful human

Maybe my biggest problem is that I was always the stronger and the older and the more experienced and maybe I thought that trying something new would bring new results, and maybe I thought that I would be better at letting go this time around than I ever have been before but if you want the complete and utter truth, this is it, because these nights, these nights of driving recklessly because every time your body shakes with a new sob the wheel jerks just a little bit and because every time more saltwater suddenly wells up in front of your vision everything becomes a blur, and maybe that's poetic and maybe it isn't but all I can think when that happens is how much it's like life, how one moment everything is so clear and clean cut and then suddenly you can't see again and when, when, when will it end,

but if you want the complete and utter truth, it's that just because I'm the one breaking my own heart doesn't mean it's any less broken, and maybe that's something I never realized before but no matter what I always end up hurting myself just as much as I hurt everyone around me because even though someone else's words didn't end things, it's the what-ifs that always and inevitably follow that tear me apart, and they don't tell you that,

they tell you it's so much better to be the heart breaker but what they don't tell you is that no matter what, your heart is going to be a little broken and if not broken then at least bruised because any time you play games with loving someone there's no way you can come out of it unless you were never playing in the first place,

and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I never finish my sentences or my relationships and I'm so sorry that I'm so much more honest when I can write it out on a blog I started back when I was so much more innocent, and I'm so sorry this is the way you found out but at the same time that's what I wanted, isn't it?

And I will not forget how it made me feel last night, how I keep saying as loud as I could that I'll never be able to get married because I'm trying to hide how scared I am that I'm right in that, I will not forget how I kept almost catching your eye from across the room and how attentive I was to the amount of space between the two of you, I will not forget how I was sitting behind you and I saw the space evaporate like the water off my cheeks, I will not forget how the music that I listened to two years ago was playing and I could hear you singing along to the songs I associate with someone else but similar feelings and,

and oh how I wish I could forget so many things tonight, oh how I wish I could forget it all and go back a few months to before I came to my senses because even though I know what I did was right I can no longer hide my fear of being alone and I can not pretend tonight that my biggest wish is simply to be held again, and that is why when I see you tomorrow morning there will be the slightest of salt residue on my face

true to my own word, like I'm completely unable of finishing anything right I cannot figure out how to finish this ode to loneliness and love and their intimate, abusive relationship, maybe it's enough to say that I'll see you in seven hours and I don't know if I can say that you'll be looking for me or just seeing me because I don't know if you mean to be playing these games or if you're just playing with life, and as much as I profess to hating games I would rather those than what I fear is reality because at least that means you still care and THAT IS ALL I WANTED and THAT IS WHY I DESERVE TO BE BROKEN-HEARTED TONIGHT.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Remembering the Future.

"If you aren't able to depend on people you aren't with the right kind of people."

-this lovely human

Remember, remember, remember, let's play the remember game and remember when we met them all for the first moment, when we were at Benjamin's house for a social and I sat on a blanket next to someone I didn't know and talked about life, and how Taft said he studied ballet and I fell in love just a little bit, how there was a weird asian that kept taking my picture and she later became someone I wouldn't be myself without having knowing, how I went to a dance later that day and Allen, aka the boy that came off a little creepy, came up to me and told me we had met and I honestly didn't remember, who would have thought we would pair together to direct a one act? And how at the sophomore assembly a girl who knew everyone sang the national anthem, and later she was in my drama class and how I just did not like her one bit, I didn't like any of them one bit, I so preferred the company of the upperclassmen who maybe I didn't feel like I could talk in front of but they, for some reason, loved to have me around, I accidentally went an hour early to Connor's party and he took it in stride, he drove me around to pick up pumpkins and people, and I was the only sophomore so many times, remember how Melissa and I became better friends because before that year she was just the girl that could sing better than me (and she is still that girl but also so much more) and remember how much we all hated Preston because he was arrogant and we were so happy when he left and then so much happier when he came back this year a better person,

remember when Benjamin would drive me home, remember when Kristen and I went and visited him at work and he made us that special sandwich, remember all fall break how we watched scary movies and I was so in the loop, and remember when they all left

remember when they left, and remember how they left the same time I broke up with Mitchell the first time, and remember how long that lasted,

remember the girl I disliked so much and who disliked me so much and remember how we became the very best of friends, and how that caused us to lose everyone that we didn't need in our life, and then we even lost each other for a while,

please please tell me you remember everything, because I've never cried harder than I did when everyone left and now I'm leaving, please please tell me you'll remember everything, remember when we got accepted to colleges or received our mission calls? Remember when we graduated? Remember when we all left each other and remember how we have new lives and remember how every now and then we remember?

Yeah, this post is for you, my lovely little red headed best friend that no one could ever forget, someone I can depend on and someone who can tell me who I can depend on, remember when I told you I've never loved anyone as much I love you and how it's still true in a way because no one else has made me love them more in one singular moment like you did, and like you do, and I remember our past and I remember our present and we only have so much future left, so long live us and long live this year and long live right now.

love always, laura elizabeth.

ps. I wasn't in that class and I don't know exactly how this Paris is defined but whatever it means I'm up to go, too.

Because I Am Sorry.

"At night, I have staring contests with the stars."

-this guy

There are so many things that make me dread that I will never find love because as strong and confident as I have come off in many of my posts I am still the same vulnerable human that expressed herself in all the others and I fear not falling just as much as I fear falling itself. I spent so long telling myself I'm a hopeless romantic just to realize, and so recently, that a hopeless romantic wouldn't choose reality over a fairytale, and why did I do that? Why are the important reasons the ones that get lost when you're not just alone but lonely too, or when you're with a million people that will never treat you the way you treat them and maybe you realize you gave up something you couldn't even fathom and you know you'll never find anything quite like that again and that makes you happy and that makes you sad,

and what if you're scared because you can't help but notice all the things people aren't try though you might to not, I notice all the best things but it takes the people that think I'm best for me to notice why they aren't and I am cruel in thought but good in action because these are the people I love the most, I can only accept those with flaws, I can only accept those who make me feel okay with who I am and who I've been and sometimes that isn't who we want it to be and sometimes they try to be and it just doesn't work,

I don't know why I'm telling all of you this when you probably already knew, the people that should be informed are the ones that keep asking why I'm so lonely when I had the chance to not be but they just don't realize that I was never me and he was never him and how do you think we let go so easily if it was actually something and all I know is that I want someone who would see me reading at Starbucks and sit by me without talking,

I want someone who would write pages and pages of beautiful syntax that I would stumble upon and think it's for someone else, I want someone who would pretend to do the tango with me even though neither of us has any experience with that style of dance, I want someone who wants to adventure and I want someone who will take me on adventures, who will drive me to places neither of us knows and we can go to a completely mundane restaurant in this place and laugh at how ordinary and how beautiful life is, and I want someone who wants to know me, who never thinks he knows enough, I want someone intelligent,

I am good in thought because I know these things yet I am cruel in actions because I pretend to myself that I can accept anything less, and I guess what I'm saying here is that every day I lose a little bit of hope that this man exists and that I'll meet him in a completely mundane and cliche way, I lost a little bit of hope that I will find someone even if he isn't at all like this yet I'll still be able to love him because I don't even know what that means yet, how can I love so much and still not even know what that means yet, how can there be someone out there able to teach me, how could there possibly be a perfect person for someone so imperfect?

A good question to ask why I love the idea of going places I don't know, why I love driving until I'm lost and have to use an outside source to untangle myself, I guess I just want my insides to match my outsides and I guess it makes me feel a bit better when I always find my way back home, and I would be able to throw everything I said I wanted in a someone if he could just prove to be as useful as my google maps app in these situations

maybe all I want is someone I want to get lost in and what frustrates me the most is that I don't even know what that means

love always, laura elizabeth.

Le Français.

First to let go and still the one holding on tightest, riddle me that.

You can get large stuffed animals for Christmas and you can trick the naive into falling for you but it will never make you not lonely, we are teenagers and we are searching everywhere for people to understand, we condense thoughts into 140 characters and hope they get noticed or cared about or understood, we take a million pictures and display them where everyone goes but very few care, and we just want to be noticed and we just want to be loved, we just want to be a little less lonely, but we are teenagers and lonely is in our job description,

and I have a problem because nothing worth writing was ever thought of but nothing worth reading wasn't thought out, and tonight I'm having a problem connecting the two, and I keep trying to repair the fuses that broke inside of me all that time ago and I just can't, I'm falling right back into the pattern and all I want is to be pulled out this mold I always conform to, but maybe nothing ever came just because you wished for it, we are teenagers and we are the masters of loneliness and we are all so willing to be noticed that we forget to notice everyone else, and maybe there is beauty in insolence that I never saw before but at least I'm trying to learn, maybe there is beauty in being so alone but I always forget to appreciate it while I'm here,

and I don't know how to handle it when I keep smelling you on my skin because I guess all those months outweigh these few weeks, I don't know how to handle it when pushing only ever brought me closer and we're both free and why did I not see this coming, I could scream and I could pull out my hair but I don't have the time to recover, I think every time it will be different but this always ends up happening and

je ne sais pas ce que de faire

je ne sais pas ce que de faire

mais c'est la vie, il passera, et j'espère que vous irez avec lui quand il le fait.

love always, laura elizabeth.

So-Called Somethings.

"And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that can be."

-Perks of being a Wallflower

There is one quote that always comes back to me and I always thought I understood it, and now I really understand it and now it is teaching me about myself and it is depressing me and thrilling me and most of all, relieving me, because you guys, we accept the love we think we deserve. I want to shout this from my roof with tears streaming down my face, because I think everyone needs to know just how much this is true and how applicable this is and just how relevant this is, because we do, we accept the love we think we deserve. I won't do this, however, and not just because I'm not really sure there's a way onto my roof but also because this is something everyone needs to learn for themselves, I suppose, even if they're the type of people that don't read books and don't think abstractly and don't really think at all (I really don't like these people). But if you're reading my blog, then I feel like we have a close enough relationship that I can tell you a little secret about mankind: we accept the love we think we deserve.

It's terrifying, I know. It's beautiful, I know. But maybe you're wondering why it's so relieving to me.

It's relieving because I guess it means I can justify how I feel. It means I can stop beating myself up for something I can't help, because the fact that I can no longer accept any love from Travus just means I don't think I deserve it. And I don't. What have I done to deserve the opened doors and the time and the food and the energy and the absolute adoration when I am completely incapable of reciprocating? It's been a fairytale, but I have far too much to do here in reality to continue indulging it. I've held on because I've been cherishing being cherished, but I've finally accepted that I simply cannot accept it because I truly don't think I deserve it.

This isn't to say I don't think I deserve very much. This isn't to say I think I deserve more. This is just to say, I think I deserve someone I know how to love. What does that even mean? I don't know yet. I don't know what it takes in a man to let me love them and accept their love because I clearly haven't experienced it yet. Will I experience it? Hence why this idea terrifies me. Hence why it depresses me, but also why it excites me, because there is such a variety of personalities in the world and I intend to encounter as many of them as I can. I truly don't believe I'm going to find it where I am right now. I have an ember of curiosity buried in the heart of my heart that cannot be doused, and all I want is to feed the flame and I don't know how yet but I know, I just know that someday I will. And that's why it's so necessary that I get out as soon as I can, without a backward glance, and when that day comes I don't want to have to think about all the love I wasn't able to accept. So this is my post saying that this so-called ending of a so-called something doesn't make me sad, though it certainly doesn't make me happy; it makes me motivated. So in the coming months, if you hear indistinct shouting from my general direction you'll know I'll have found a ladder, and in the coming months I hope you realize what love you deserve and are able to accept it, and in a few years time I'll send a postcard from wherever I'll be and let you know what else I'll have discovered. Until then..

love always, laura elizabeth.

oh, ps. Happy New Year.