Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Aching and Breaking and Living.

We want to stay young, but ask yourself why it's called Neverland instead of Foreverland.


The biggest problem with high school is that you see everyone and they all have something you don't, but you always forget that you have something they don't and every day someone sees you and sees what you have that they want,

and another big problem is that sometimes we think we're the only ones hurting, and in some of the other times when we acknowledge other people's hurting we think we're the only ones or that it's one sided, and we forget to realize that we all care in deeply different ways because we are all deeply different in the ways we think and go about things even if all the things are basically the same, you follow? This is very important because I've always known how much I ache for the ones breaking inside my heart, I've always ached for them and lately I've ached for them to see me breaking too, but just because we're all breaking and aching and we think we're alone doesn't mean we really are because really all we have is each other.

And maybe I'm good at explaining my inner dramas but when it comes to telling people how I feel about them, I so often fall short of expressing the tugs and the colors and the shape of my love for them because it's all so unique and I wish they could step into my heart literally instead of just figuratively because then they would know how fantastic I think they are, how I keep urging Kirsten to follow her passions and I keep telling her she's brilliant, and how was I supposed to know she wanted to be told it was okay to break down? OF COURSE it is, lovely, and I envy the strength it took to transfer and I envy the courage it takes for you to accept it and I wish I could assimilate to that because I've pushed myself off the edge a few times this year because I was too weak to realize I needed change, and I hope you know you have me,

and I hope you know you all have me, and I don't know how hurt you are my beautiful Esther but I think you are far more fantastic than I ever could be, and I relish in the happiness of becoming your friend every time we talk,

and Miss Matalyn I worry every day that I'm doing something wrong to you, but I hope you know that I am trying, and I'm sorry that I always give you all of my heart, it's a habit I've gotten into it because you always hold it while I gather myself up again and then gingerly give it back, and please keep in mind that in order for me to reciprocate you have to be willing to open yourself up in the first place, and I hope you know that I ache for you even if I don't know how to manage it sometimes and it manifests itself in other ways, like in the way I needed to give you flowers the same way I think you needed to get them and if I could give you a bouquet every day I would in a heart beat.

I could go on forever, but I won't even though I hope you all know that I don't just ache for my own pain but for everyone who I care for as well, and if you need a personal note of how often I think of you I would be far too happy to oblige.

love always, laura elizabeth.

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