[Not A Real Post]

A very important thing to do if you want to understand what is happening to me right now is if you read it in the way my best friend wrote it and she said it better than I could right now, and of course some of the examples are different but it is so very applicable, and maybe once you've read that post you could read the others and realize why I love her so much, but that's just a suggestion.

http://justbecausesheisaredhead.blogspot.com/

This wasn't a real post, but here's some pictures and my love all the same.

~laura elizabeth

Aching and Breaking and Living.

We want to stay young, but ask yourself why it's called Neverland instead of Foreverland.

The biggest problem with high school is that you see everyone and they all have something you don't, but you always forget that you have something they don't and every day someone sees you and sees what you have that they want,

and another big problem is that sometimes we think we're the only ones hurting, and in some of the other times when we acknowledge other people's hurting we think we're the only ones or that it's one sided, and we forget to realize that we all care in deeply different ways because we are all deeply different in the ways we think and go about things even if all the things are basically the same, you follow? This is very important because I've always known how much I ache for the ones breaking inside my heart, I've always ached for them and lately I've ached for them to see me breaking too, but just because we're all breaking and aching and we think we're alone doesn't mean we really are because really all we have is each other.

And maybe I'm good at explaining my inner dramas but when it comes to telling people how I feel about them, I so often fall short of expressing the tugs and the colors and the shape of my love for them because it's all so unique and I wish they could step into my heart literally instead of just figuratively because then they would know how fantastic I think they are, how I keep urging Kirsten to follow her passions and I keep telling her she's brilliant, and how was I supposed to know she wanted to be told it was okay to break down? OF COURSE it is, lovely, and I envy the strength it took to transfer and I envy the courage it takes for you to accept it and I wish I could assimilate to that because I've pushed myself off the edge a few times this year because I was too weak to realize I needed change, and I hope you know you have me,

and I hope you know you all have me, and I don't know how hurt you are my beautiful Esther but I think you are far more fantastic than I ever could be, and I relish in the happiness of becoming your friend every time we talk,

and Miss Matalyn I worry every day that I'm doing something wrong to you, but I hope you know that I am trying, and I'm sorry that I always give you all of my heart, it's a habit I've gotten into it because you always hold it while I gather myself up again and then gingerly give it back, and please keep in mind that in order for me to reciprocate you have to be willing to open yourself up in the first place, and I hope you know that I ache for you even if I don't know how to manage it sometimes and it manifests itself in other ways, like in the way I needed to give you flowers the same way I think you needed to get them and if I could give you a bouquet every day I would in a heart beat.

I could go on forever, but I won't even though I hope you all know that I don't just ache for my own pain but for everyone who I care for as well, and if you need a personal note of how often I think of you I would be far too happy to oblige.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Don't Expect Much.

Just to make things very clear right here and right now, this is not a poem.

This is not any sort of lovely language and I won't be using even one subtle little rhetorical device. This is not from inspiration but from loneliness and the loneliness is honestly not stemming from the fact that tomorrow is Valentine's Day, one where I am very much alone. Well, it might be stemming from tomorrow just a little but not in the way you think, I promise, because if you could ask me an hour ago how I feel about tomorrow I would have poured my excitement into you like the peppermint mocha I let burn my tongue week after week. But now, now an ice cube has been dropped and it has attacked the heat and while the sweetness is still there, it has gone stone cold.

I was excited, see, because I truly do love love. I do. Ask any coupling of people I find to be good friends, and they'll tell you how much I fawn over their every move. I know I'm alone but I find happiness in others and their happiness, and I was so very excited to share a bit of happiness tomorrow because I have a plan, see, I actually have a few plans but one of those plans has been stopped like a broken heart because you see I always forget to not count too much on the people I am closest to. Why, why, why do I always get closest to the people that will hurt me the most at the most inopportune moments? Or is it they are able to hurt me most because they're the ones I let get closest to me? In any case, they're close to me for a reason and then I am inevitably let down and I guess that's life, you're let down and you have to find your own way back up into their arms because God forbid they know how much you're aching. 

You see, I used to be the person- she is still inside of me, trying to get out- that would've taken all of this pain out on the person who inflicted it and I hate to admit it, but I am rather good at making people feel bad. Oh, how I hate to admit it, but by now you know I manipulate words like any other writer and oh how I HATE to admit it but I have used that to my advantage before. Sometimes it's rather necessary and sometimes it is not, and tonight is one of those nights where it is not, but it's hard to tell that to something so desperate. Even now I almost hope this is read by that person, though I know it will not be because that person never actually bothered to read my writings anyway. Oh, be proud, show me off when I am show-offable but laugh it off nervously when I am not because I am not exactly like you, nor any of your other friends, and that is both why we are so close and why you grow embarrassed of me; please don't pretend otherwise because I know my own roots better than anyone. To gain your approval I almost would have chopped those roots, and truly I almost did a while ago, but I stopped myself because I knew that they were stronger than ours will ever be,

and these roots that have grown since longer than I knew who you were are the ones that keep me going sometimes, though sometimes I trip over them and sometimes I feel as if they're in my way, they are still the gentlest roots I have and this has almost ceased to make sense but stick with me because my fingers are on an absolute rampage and there is no stopping them when they are in this state,

and I think they just want you all to know that this is not what you should expect from them, this tirade of salty, salty tears cascading- literally cascading- down my cheeks and the fact that no one at this moment knows this is happening to me, and I have so much to be happy about and so many people on my side yet why am I so alone? Why does the future scare me so much when it is all I want anymore?

I know tomorrow is Valentine's Day, but it's very important you know that that is not why I have been so upset, because I am not as typical as some would make me out to be and believe it or not, I am still excited for tomorrow. Because even when I'm the one initiating it, the small human connections I have planned for tomorrow will still let me not be so alone, if only for a moment, and hopefully that will make it all worth it; hopefully someday it will all be worth it and I'll find people who care as much as I wish they will.

Honestly, I'm sorry, but it all had to be said.

love always, laura elizabeth.