Because I Am Sorry.

"At night, I have staring contests with the stars."

-this guy

There are so many things that make me dread that I will never find love because as strong and confident as I have come off in many of my posts I am still the same vulnerable human that expressed herself in all the others and I fear not falling just as much as I fear falling itself. I spent so long telling myself I'm a hopeless romantic just to realize, and so recently, that a hopeless romantic wouldn't choose reality over a fairytale, and why did I do that? Why are the important reasons the ones that get lost when you're not just alone but lonely too, or when you're with a million people that will never treat you the way you treat them and maybe you realize you gave up something you couldn't even fathom and you know you'll never find anything quite like that again and that makes you happy and that makes you sad,

and what if you're scared because you can't help but notice all the things people aren't try though you might to not, I notice all the best things but it takes the people that think I'm best for me to notice why they aren't and I am cruel in thought but good in action because these are the people I love the most, I can only accept those with flaws, I can only accept those who make me feel okay with who I am and who I've been and sometimes that isn't who we want it to be and sometimes they try to be and it just doesn't work,

I don't know why I'm telling all of you this when you probably already knew, the people that should be informed are the ones that keep asking why I'm so lonely when I had the chance to not be but they just don't realize that I was never me and he was never him and how do you think we let go so easily if it was actually something and all I know is that I want someone who would see me reading at Starbucks and sit by me without talking,

I want someone who would write pages and pages of beautiful syntax that I would stumble upon and think it's for someone else, I want someone who would pretend to do the tango with me even though neither of us has any experience with that style of dance, I want someone who wants to adventure and I want someone who will take me on adventures, who will drive me to places neither of us knows and we can go to a completely mundane restaurant in this place and laugh at how ordinary and how beautiful life is, and I want someone who wants to know me, who never thinks he knows enough, I want someone intelligent,

I am good in thought because I know these things yet I am cruel in actions because I pretend to myself that I can accept anything less, and I guess what I'm saying here is that every day I lose a little bit of hope that this man exists and that I'll meet him in a completely mundane and cliche way, I lost a little bit of hope that I will find someone even if he isn't at all like this yet I'll still be able to love him because I don't even know what that means yet, how can I love so much and still not even know what that means yet, how can there be someone out there able to teach me, how could there possibly be a perfect person for someone so imperfect?

A good question to ask why I love the idea of going places I don't know, why I love driving until I'm lost and have to use an outside source to untangle myself, I guess I just want my insides to match my outsides and I guess it makes me feel a bit better when I always find my way back home, and I would be able to throw everything I said I wanted in a someone if he could just prove to be as useful as my google maps app in these situations

maybe all I want is someone I want to get lost in and what frustrates me the most is that I don't even know what that means

love always, laura elizabeth.