Junioritis and First-Couple-Months-Of-Schoolitis.

My name is Laura, and I am struggling with Junioritis

[hi, Laura.]

It started when I was in sixth grade and got En Pointe and realized I am fully in love with Ballet, and it started when I decided acting was something I should be good at in seventh grade, and it started when my mom put me in the ALL program in fifth grade so that I'll forever have high expectations of myself, and it started when I got a job.

 

 

Look, I can't be Addy, much as I'd like to. I just can't.

And for another thing, maybe I am still the same as I was in sixth grade, in a way. I mean, yeah. I look and dress a lot better and I like boys a lot more. But I'm still on the line of inside and outside for most things. I'm no one's first choice of a bed partner for Shakespeare, I'm no one's first choice for a dance. I'm no one's first choice to cover their shift at work. I'm no one's first choice to do homework with or sing with or listen to or be around. The only place I'm first is in Kelsey's book, but that's a shelf just as full as mine.

So I'm not going to be the wordy, high bunned girl with perfect eyelashes and great style and huge intelligence that hides behind a high voice. I'm not going to be the girl that has her own style and can crump like no one's business. I'm not going to be the hair with the huge hair and even bigger heart, or the girl he took to Homecoming, or the girl with beautiful eyes and beautiful hair and has a chance with Teddy like I never did. I can't be any of you and I can't want to anymore, because that more than anything is what's burning me out this year. I need to stop killing myself over these feelings of not fitting in anymore and just find a way like I did last year, because I did and it was beautiful.

And you know what? Maybe I will ask him to a dance. Maybe I'll ask both of them to a dance and maybe they'll have fun and be glad I did.

love always, laura elizabeth.



High School and Futility.

Hope Springs Eternal.

When are, when were, when will be your glory days?

Think about it.

My glory days... They started when, in that huge room with 27 different drama departments sitting on the edge of their seats (well, okay. Seven of them were on the edge of their seats. The other twenty were probably about to fall asleep), the man with the microphone said "American Fork High School" and we all stood up and screamed and Addy cried and Lone Peak clapped for us and I was a part of it. My glory days continued closing night of Footloose, when I cried because I love them all so much and because I was a part of it.

My glory days, they aren't just filled with clapping and tears, they're filled with autumn light and winter light and summer light but mostly, spring light, because that is my favorite light of all. They continue when I'm in Ballet at the barre and I feel strong and on top of the world. My glory days, more than any other, happen every day, doing all my usual pastimes and hobbies and whatever else I do, because I'm alive and these are my glory days, because even the sad days are glory days,

and I'm not so sad anymore.

love always, laura elizabeth.



More Poetry, I'm a Regular Poet?

Symphony


a pond at night


full of magic, reflected,


untouchable


but so close-


you stick a toe


in the middle of the moon,


it's cold,


you get used to it,


you stick a finger in


a couple stars,


it's cold


you get used to it,


pretty soon you're


three feet under and


unable to escape


all because


you wanted to touch


the moon

love always,

laura elizabeth.

It's been ten days, so goodbye and hi.

It's been ten days

so goodbye and hi.

life comes fast but

it moves so slowly.

I look at everything and everyone and I can't even imagine everyone's heartbreak.

I don't understand people, but I'd like to, I don't understand me, but I'd like to.

So let's take today, let's take tomorrow, let's take forever and create no drama for each other.

Let's just stay as is forever, because I'm just a girl who loves owls and is happy.

I'm just a girl who's done with the drama, so how about I throw my worries out the window

and just enjoy what I have,

because I have you and you're extremely enjoyable.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Who? Who?

"Who?  Who?" said the owl, turning his snowy head all around in search of someone who isn't there.

Because, how could he know?

Does he know where it's all gone?  To be more specific, does he know where I've gone?

How could he know when I, myself, don't even know?

I am not who I was, nor am I who I'm meant to be, but if I continue on this path I can continue to feel free.

Not everything makes sense, not everyone makes sense.  Life won't always make sense and love will rarely make sense.  But what is sense, really?  A perception?  Does anything ever make sense?  Will friends make sense or just nonsense?  Will I make sense or just nonsense?  Because sometimes people leave you and sometimes people haunt you and sometimes people hurt you but that doesn't mean you should just give up on them, it means that you should just keep trying to make sense of it all.  Does this post make sense?  Maybe not, but it does to me.  Does my newfound infatuation with all things drama related make sense?  Maybe not, but it does to me.  Does my sensitivity about dance make sense?  Maybe not, but it does to me. 

People will talk about you with other people;  I've talked about all of you to someone, I can guarentee.  People will not have the same opinion as you, but people will also be just as tired of it all as you too.  So lay down your sword and I'll lay down my shield and we can part as likely friends and we'll swim through the seas of miscommunications together.

Does that make sense?  Maybe not.  But it does to me.

love always, laura elizabeth.

post script:  I don't really like him.  I promise.  It's just hopeless.  I just needed someone to imagine is holding me to sleep and he's just the last person to have hugged me.

Sometimes, it's okay to have dessert for breakfast.

As of today, to be honest, I feel a little bit more about ripped-up toenail than I do about...

-the waste of four weeks, worrying and wondering

-the hopes of four weeks, wishing and hoping

-the lingering feelings for someone that doesn't want anything

-our conversation on Friday

-....maybe even him, now.

Because, let's be real here.  This has been a long time coming.  Since Shakespeare Festival, really.  When I got to be better friends with more people and realized that there are other good guys besides him, especially one; the one that was completely there for me and still is.  Today, there's a quote running through my head: "If you have two guys to choose, pick the second one.  If the first guy really had you, you wouldn't have fallen for someone else."
Let's be real here too.  I have been falling for a couple weeks now, for someone who is probably too good for me.  I see myself as having next to no chance with him, because why me?  The only reason I've heard lately is "why not?" and I'm not going to live that way.  We'll see.  We'll see.
In real life, if you ask anyone I'm close with, they'll tell you that I really did say these next few words:  "The more I hang out with my new drama friends, the further away I get from him."  This past fall break has been full of these new friends, with minimum contact with him.  The contrast is shocking, really.  How comfortable and how happy I am with Kristen and Davis and Connor and Suzie and [almost] Benjamin and Elizabeth and everyone else that I missed, contrasted with how stressed and uncertain I was around him.  It's time to move on.
Mitchell, you were a good chapter in my life.  You introduced me to highschool and you helped me through the initial everything.  Unfortunately, you have a lot to learn.  Now was not the time but I'm glad I was your first kiss.  I'm glad you kissed me, I'm glad I took the risks with you, I'm glad I've known you and I have no regrets.  As was the way in round one with me, you've moved on faster and I'm struggling to catch up.  It'll be fine and it'll be okay.  You're a good guy and I hope you get everything you deserve.

Also... Sorry, but all the drama kids hate you now.  My bad.

Sometimes, it's okay to eat dessert for lunch, too.
love always, laura.