People, God, and other things to believe in.

Not all who wander are lost.

 

 

 

It's hardly a coincidence that all the things in my current life are suddenly coming together to make me believe that much more in the consciousness we loosely call God. I'm not in India, studying in an ashram (though I desperately want to be), but I am reading "Eat Pray Love" and I'm in India with her, which is sort of the same thing, and maybe living vicariously through her is enough to get me where I need to be with my spirituality. Because here's the thing, the road to healing oneself isn't some straight, smooth plane of easiness. Not that anything really broke me, except myself, probably. I'm good at that; I think we all are. I could tell you in a million and one ways the reasons why I am not enough, but I will refrain and simply tell you the one reason why I am: Because I am alive, and God lives in me.

 

I'm not religious to any extent; that much about me is painfully obvious. But that in no way means I'm not spiritual. I'm a dancer, aren't I? I've tapped into that energy more than some, even if I've been hesitant to call it divinity. But here's the thing. I finally stopped putting out the negative energy that has kept me cynical and within the hour, I received positive energy back. If that isn't God, then I honestly don't know what is. I might be skeptical about religion and Bible stories and creation and everything else I know almost nothing about, but when it comes to God, I know him as much as the next person.

 

Who am I to tell myself I am not enough? In one regard, who am I to keep telling myself that I will ultimately end up alone? Who am I to tell myself this means there's something wrong with me? I know it's been said that we accept the love we deserve, and I think it's about time I realize I deserve a lot more than what I've been accepting lately. Look at me. I've stooped to the point where I am attached to a boy who loves to call me because he thinks I'm hot. That isn't some high love, people. That's the love of physicality. Which, of course, is important, but it's the root of love, and certainly not all I deserve.

 

Before today, before this moment, I never truly understood that quote, the "we accept the love we think we deserve." I mean, I always thought that the fact I am a hopeless romantic meant I already think I deserve great love. But that's not it. In fact, being the hopeless romantic I am and have been has left me incredibly vulnerable to the love I've been accepting lately, because if we're being honest with ourselves, hopeless romantics will accept almost any love due to the fact that all they want is romance. But that doesn't mean I can't and haven't already changed. I'm still a hopeless romantic, but in the best way. So come at me, people, and do your worst; I'm riding high on the vibes of positive energy that was bound to make its way back to me eventually. And that is the meaning of God.

 

love always, laura elizabeth.

Dreams of Sunshine and You.

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

But here's the thing, I dreamed a dream

I dreamed a dream of the pool

and I dreamed of red hair,

[actually, I dreamed of hair in general, as usual]

and I dreamed of skylines,

and I dreamed of zebras and funny faces,

I dreamed of a blonde mane of not just hair but of her words,

she says they're gone but they aren't

and I never had any anyway, so she shouldn't worry

but here's a good vibration anyway.

I dreamed of people,

and how to let go,

and how to hold on,

and how to do everything in the middle, too.

I dreamed of pounce-ing.

I dreamed in cards, people,

I dreamed in kings and queens and aces,

and I was the little black joker,

and you were the red 8.

I dreamed of cracks;

of sidewalks and my kindle

and the sky, too;

Mostly I dreamed of you.

Remember the beauty from last post? The beauty I have?

I don't care what you believe, for all I know you have it right.

But the beauty I have in my is my little piece of God.

And the reason I know you are beautiful is because you have a piece of Him, too,

because we are actually all God and everything is God

and really God is just the energy that connects us all to each other and everything.

[it's called Pantheism.]

So sorry for when I yell at you to stop littering,

because really,

I'm just giving back.

Addy, when you find your words [they wouldn't go far]

feel free to loan some to me.

love always, laura elizabeth.



Mantras.

"I don't have a hard life. I am happy. I don't have a hard life. I am happy. I don't have a hard life. I am happy."

"How ironic how ironic how ironic how ironic how ironic."

"Don't let me go. Don't let me go. Don't let me go. Don't let me go."

Because I really don't have a hard life and I really am happy and it doesn't have to be ironic.

Look, guys, it isn't really his fault, he jokes, that's who he is, and that's how I like him. I like him, I love him, how he is. But I'd love it even more if I thought he really cared.

See, that was a stupid sentence, because I know he cares, I saw that last night. I'm insecure and I'm broken but I ought to believe the little voice more often, I ought to believe my brain or my heart--I'm not yet sure which says what, but I ought to believe the more optimistic one--because even though he might not love me, I love him, and that's enough, right? But it'd be really great if I thought he cared.

Look how crazy I am, just earlier I was saying, "stop making drama for yourself, stop disbelieving, just take it as it is and stop questioning it" and now I'm just wondering why it's so hard, I just wish he cared, I wish he loved me too, even though that wasn't the wish he asked about, even though it kind of was.

I need to make my bed, I need to go to sleep, I need to wake up and have a great day tomorrow but I just can't get past tonight where I feel incredibly alone and I wish he realized that and said the right things, but see, that's my problem, I expect him to be who he isn't. So maybe if I accept myself and I accept that no guy will be that guy that I set up for myself in those lonely nights, the guy that my guy actually sometimes is, I'll accept him, even though I already have, because I love him and he doesn't love me and if that isn't love then what is?

I'm happy, I have a great life, I have a great boyfriend, I love him. We're all bound to have bad nights, right? I've just been having more than enough lately, but that means a bunch of good nights are coming my way. Tonight could be a good night if I'd let it, if I'd stop worrying, I worry too much that I'm doing things wrong but that's so silly because it's love, how can anyone do anything wrong? So I'll start believing I'm doing right and it's right and God really is on my side because Valentine's Day is a Tuesday this year, which is perfect.

So really, I'm happy, and you can disregard everything I said up there, except for the parts about being happy and God.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Relationships between ANYONE are like tandem bikes; it's a lot easier to stay up when both people make an effort.

My dear friend who gave me the dolphin necklace:

I miss you.

~   ~   ~

On a happier note, today is Earth Day.  I love Earth Day.  It's a chance to thank the Earth.  While I was too busy to do anything good, I did spread the word of peace.  Let's stop wars and start love.  Let's stop fighting and start smiling.  Stop littering, stop wasting water and paper, stop making your mom drive you one neighborhood over.  There is such a thing as bikes.  We only get one Earth, let's preserve it.

More than that, my beliefs in God involve nature in the most intimate way.  I believe that He IS nature, and that he is everything.  This is called Pantheism;  The belief that we are all manifestations of God, that he doesn't have a particular personality.  Pantheistics often recognize God in nature.  Which basically defines my beliefs on a whole.  This way I believe that on Earth Day we are not only thanking the Earth, but we are giving back to God.  So thus I say, HAPPY EARTH DAY!!  (:

Friend this was originally titled to:  Do you even still read my blog?

ah well--
Much Love, StarFish.