June '13.

I have the emotion to write poetry, really, I do. I have the vocabulary and I have the knowledge, at least I seem to think I do, which is all that really mattered anyway. I lack the phrasing. I lack the metaphors. I know enough about good poetry to recognize it and be jealous of the author, but I don't know enough to actually write it myself, I end up trying something like this until I inevitably get frustrated. The words necessary to capture you elude me, and it's frustrating, but I'll keep trying, because I really do know enough about poetry that I should be able to write it well by now.

I think it's funny that last November I hadn't done Ballet in five weeks and I almost quit, but now I have three toenails falling off and more blisters than I would prefer because I was just the lead in Snow White. I think it's funny that a year ago, I was thinking about how two years previous to that I had my first kiss and since then I had fallen in and out of love with someone new. I was wrong, of course, I was still so very deep in the trenches of World War Mitchell a year ago from right now. I know I really am free now, though, because every other week the same thought floats to the top of my mind that says, "Remember when we were in love?" It's not accompanied by feelings of sadness, either. It's not accompanied by much, really. It's just accompanied with some lines of songs and seven digits that are as persistent as the sun. But it's no point, really. Where we used to struggle to stop talking to each other, we now struggle to continue. We can't have a lasting conversation to save, well, anything, really. This isn't to say that there are hard feelings between us. This isn't to say we don't care. This is just to say that we've truly moved on. It shouldn't be allowed to move on as far as we have, because we've moved on so much that we've almost moved back in, and isn't that a disaster waiting to happen.

The problem is, I'm waiting for love. I'm waking up and telling myself that I have more than enough love to supply a third world country, and then I'm going to sleep telling myself that maybe the sun will bring more opportunities. I can't keep living based on the sun, guys, because it's Summer and I'd much rather have the starlight in my eyes. But that isn't the problem here. The problem is, I'm waiting for love, and love doesn't come to those who wait for it. Love sneaks up unexpected, when you're too busy splashing around in the ocean, when you're too busy buying otter pops from the local neighborhood kids, when you're too busy doing your online classes because you're too good of a student not to. It's not that I'm not doing those things, but I never let my back be fully turned in case Love decides to make a visit and I might miss it if I'm not watching out for it. I know this isn't how love operates, but I also don't know this at all. Who am I to say that's how it happens? I know She Will Be Loved, I know it forwards and back, but when will I Be Loved?

Boys go on missions. I go to Target. C'est la vie.
~laura elizabeth

Wild adventures.

Rules of Adventuring:

1. Go somewhere you don't know.

2. Take lots of pictures.

 

I just want him to know me.

I want him to KNOW me, everyone. I want him to not just know me but try to know EVERYTHING about me, because isn't that just one of those romantic ideas? The boy that you didn't know, that tries to know everything about you just because he can? There's a lot to know about me, even though I don't always think so. He can know how my shoulder blades stick out; how I can actually grab someone's hand with my shoulder blades intentionally. I want him to know this, and not just because it's practically my signature trick. I want him to know every song on the playlist I listen to almost every night, and I want him to know why that song is on there. I really want this, people. I want him to know the significance of the song "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John and why it almost moves me to tears. I want him to know why I love owls so much, and I want him to know the first owl I ever loved. I want him to know not just the one pair of shoes that I wear every day, but all my pairs. I want him to know Psych like I do. I want him to know why I stayed in Ballet, and why I'm in Musical Theater, and why I'm going to try out for Dance Company next year. I want him to know all the places to take me when I'm in all the moods I have. I want him to know what I believe, and why, and how I feel about God and how I feel about the Holocaust. I want him to know how long I've had my same teddy bear and I want him to know how I snuggle down with it every night. I want him to know the smell of Caramel Machiatto on my breath, the smell of my shampoo in my thin, thin hair. I want him to know how I feel about my height. I want him to know me, but mostly I want him to want to know me.

Look, I know where I stand with people. I know where I stand with him. It's getting better, sure, but we don't have nearly enough time for all the knowledge I want him to have. I know that I tend to grab onto things with both hands too fast. I know that I tend to jump into shallow waters head first and maybe that's why I keep ending up broken. But it's so hard to not just jump in when you can already feel yourself slipping, you know? And boy, am I slipping and sliding all over the place, and I don't know how long I can last before I just take the dive and hope the water's deep enough that I won't get hurt right off the bat. But I guess it's still too early to tell.

love always, laura elizabeth.



Heaven and Hell: an analysis.

I never really had words, but at least I used to think I do.

 

 

But here's the thing:

we fall without meaning to

and we love without trying to.

we hope without meaning to.

we die without trying to.

if you haven't recognized that,

you're in denial and need to soul search

(or something.)

 

Speaking of soul searching,

I'll meet you all again in the stars someday.

I try not to think of all the people I won't know in ten years,

because they're my world and it's like the world explodes

every time I say goodbye.

I don't let go easy.

Addy once said I taught her to let go easy,

and I'd like to intervene and say that she doesn't know me very well,

because I don't let go easy.

I grab on too fast,

I hold on too tight,

and I don't let go easy.

I'll search for you in the stars.

I'll search for those nights, those feelings.

Every feeling, every person, every moment,

they make up the stars,

and someday I'll have the time to search through them again.

I'll see you then.

 

love always, laura elizabeth.



We did math together today.

Darlin' it was good

never lookin' down

and right there where we stood

is holy ground

 

 

I just... I remember.

I don't want to go back and I don't want to skip forward,

because who would have known those nights would be the best of my life?

I've had amazing nights because they were so incredibly mundane and cliche,

but so unique and everything I need,

and I don't realize it now,

but these are the best nights and days of my life,

and it's okay if I work for some of them,

and it's okay if some of them are spent alone,

and it's okay if they don't go as planned

because they'll still be the best I have to live for,

and this is the oldest I've ever been and the youngest I'll ever be again,

and I want to stick a bookmark in this year, in this month,

that says, I remember and these are the best nights of my life.

Thank you everyone for being a part of them, thank you, thank you. Thank you.

You're a part of me. He's a part of me. She's a part of me.

I am my experiences and my experiences are all of you and thank you and I love you.

love always, laura elizabeth.



Tie Dye.

So, whatever, one of the best nights of my life, NBD.

Addy: "Just make out already!"

(x100000000000000)

 

 

And right now, I'm just glad there are a million pictures of everything in the world.

Maybe not of Taft and me, last night, dancing and living,

but of things like cats in top hats and shoes.

I'm glad there are a million songs waiting to be discovered,

especially if you discover them on a cd from a good friend.

I'm glad there are a million flowers to be smelled,

and trees to be climbed,

and stars to count,

and pinteresting things to make,

 

and I'm especially glad there are a million people I've met,

a million people I know,

and a million people waiting for me in the next million tomorrows.

 

go dancing.

love always, laura elizabeth.



AU92311256.

It's fading from my arm, but it won't fade from my memory.

 

 

Those moments; every moment. Every person.

Lessons and tributes dripping down our faces

buried feelings uncovered and vulnerable,

hearts plain on our striped sleeves.

 

Every second, every laugh, every word. Every tear

changed

Us, each other, the audience,

in memory and gut-wrenching love.

 

Never Forget.

 

love always, laura elizabeth.



Wake Me Up When September Ends.

And boy, am I waking up to a crazy week.

 

 

Life comes at you fast

sometimes, you just need to blink

and let the world change

 

Summer turns to fall

like sunlight will turn to clouds

the rain that will drop

 

And now he's leaving

no one said it'd be easy

I will miss him so

....

 

Lize, this is for you

because I think you're lovely

thank you for reading

 

Mattie, Melissa,

Kelsey, Taft, Teddy, Gretel

And of course, Clark, thanks.

 

Life comes at you fast

but I think we can keep up.

Love always, Laura.

Fairytales and Best Friends.

Sometimes, the memories overwhelm her,

they make her laugh or smile,

those pass.

Sometimes, the memories overwhelm her,

they make her curl up and weep and curse at the wind,

but those pass, too.

And today, it's like a text that went unanswered that you wonder about all day,

or a comment you saw that you meant to reply to but never did,

or waving and dancing and not caring about anyone but the girl beside you.

Can't I believe in love at first sight for just one more childhood dream of life?

All the rationalizations, all the justifications for the opposite arguement,

they're true and unstoppable and make sense,

but for one oblivious, childish moment I'd like to believe in a fairytale again,

in the tooth fairy I was so convinced I saw when I was five years old,

or the jingle bells I heard in the kitchen at night when I was three.

but they too, like all else, they pass.

For life, it passes, it will always pass, just as everything else- our problems, our worries, our fears, and indeed everything about us -will pass, and only when we're no longer breathing

are we immortal.

love always, laura elizabeth.



I like to believe in love.

you say you love rain,

but you open your umbrella.

you say you love the sun,

but you find a shadow spot.

you say you love the wind,

but you close your windows.

this is why i am afraid,

you say you love me too.

--William Shakespeare.

Sometimes I listen to songs and I am struck with their brilliancy.

Like, "Great Escape" or "The Middle" or "Gold Forever"

or a bunch of other songs.

Sometimes I listen to songs and I am struck with inspiration,

and I want to just get up and dance,

like "Too Close" and "Wild One" and "Lightning".

Sometimes I listen to songs and I am struck down with memories,

sometimes the memories make me smile

like "Long Live" and "Forget You" and "Club Can't Handle Me"

and sometimes they make me curl up for a moment,

hoping that someday I will be able to listen to them peacefully again,

like "How To Save A Life" and "Drops of Jupiter" and two whole cds full.

So sometimes, when songs like these come on, I just have to try to forget.

love always, laura elizabeth.