She likes the way he sings.

oh, if life were made of moments

even now and then a bad one

but if life were made or moments

you'd never know you had one

And yet, life is full of moments.

Moments are all around us, waiting for us.

So many moments could be taken and so many moments are missed.

Sometimes, you can't fully appreciate a moment

until it is a memory.

love always, laura.

Sometimes people leave you, halfway through the wood.

Life is a funny thing.

It's funny how when some people shoot up, others fall down.  It's funny how when something falls apart, other things fall together.  It's funny how when your something falls apart, someone else's something begins to fall together.

But Kelsey, I want us to stay best friends.  I always have and always will.

I shouldn't feel betrayed, I shouldn't feel even the slightest bit jealous.  I shouldn't wonder if she remembers.  I shouldn't still be hurt about it.  I shouldn't still give him such a cold shoulder, but I don't know how to reinstate a friendship-especially knowing what I do about him now.  Maybe I overreacted.  But, love, you know my old stories and so did he.  You know why I feel the way I do and you know why I'm acting the way I am.

Have we grown so far apart that you've forgotten?

I know I shouldn't feel like this.  I know I shouldn't wonder and I know I shouldn't blame myself.  I know there's nothing I can do that can make me completely happy anymore.  I love to be a part of something, I love to feel like I'm relied on and loved and that I am a part of it.  I know it could've all been down without me but I also know that I've changed in the eyes of many, and I love that.  I love you still, which is why I'm saying right now:  Be careful.

Be careful when he takes you places and brings his sister, be careful when he winks at you.  Be careful of his arms and how they sneak around you.  I know you may not like him now but I know you have and I know that it's likely you might in the future again, and I want you to be careful.  Because the feeling of being betrayed by someone like him, someone that you would have never expected, is not one I want you to go through.  You may be older than me by seven months, but I have experience and I understand some things.  You're my sweet, innocent best friend and I couldn't bear to watch you lose that.  I ask that you take the time to re-read the card that I gave to you for your birthday again.  I ask that you think and be careful what you say around and to people.  Be careful, and I love you.

love always, laura.

Meow.

I want my own special cliche.

I want one of those silly, cheesy, romantic cliches where the guy notices everything about the girl and whispers about her to his friends and buys her roses when she's feeling down [or taco bell] and she doesn't even have to tell him when she's feeling down because he knows her "isms" so well that he can just tell.
Taft?
I want a guy to randomly wrap me in his arms and give me a cliche bear hug and hold me tight and maybe whisper in my ear that it's all going to be okay because he can tell I'm stressed and worn out and he knows this is just what I need because he will know me so well.
Chaz?
I want a guy to smile every time he sees me or thinks of me and to always catch my eye in that cliche romance novel kind of way, where instead of looking away we both hold our gazes and slowly he smiles or winks or whatever he thinks would make me feel the most special [and he'd know because he knows me so well.]
...Connor?!
I want to be completely oblivious of his feelings [maybe have a crush on him too] and him feel frustrated because everyone but me can see that he's heels over head for me [our head is already over our heels, so I modified it] and it not even to matter that I'm so awkward and say the randomest things and have conversations in Tabby [it's a cat language].  He'd just accept me for who I am.
Darn darn darn I don't even know anyone that would every fit these!
I just want a guy to care.  I want him to want to make me happy and to try in subtle ways.  I want my cliche John or Kent or Harry or any other cliche character that I've read about.
No one would feel this way for me.  Darn darn darn darn darn.
I think cliches can be good.
It's fine I don't get one.
love always, laura.

Before we all fall.

Most of the time you just don't know how and why the threads are looped together, and that's okay.

Do a good thing and something bad happens.

Do a bad thing and something good happens.

Do nothing and everything explodes.

[Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver.  My favorite book.]

How different we would act if we knew it were our last day.

How different everything would be and everything would seem.

Our problem isn't that we're afraid of death, it's that we're afraid of goodbye.  Who wants to say goodbye to the sights and the sounds and the feelings and most of all, the people?  The other people that we connect with because secretly, we're all the same?  And yet, we're all so different.  How could anyone say goodbye to the people that wait for you to get inside of your house at eleven thirty at night, and then let you hang out in your car for half an hour because the garage code isn't working and alex doesn't get home until midnight? [Thank you, Connor.]  How could anyone say goodbye to singing along to songs you don't know and stepping on the bright green moss around your pond?  How could we say goodbye to the sun rising in the morning or the Friday nights where you don't have to worry about what time it is?  There is so much to see if you look for it and so much to hear if you listen for it and so much to feel if you're ready for it.  What does it really matter if he'll never like you back?  At least you know you can feel for someone.  At least you know you have hope.  At least you know life moves on.  So what if he kissed more than you that week?  Does it matter now, when you don't feel for him anymore?  Give more than you get, smile more than you frown, listen a little too less than you should and do more than is neccessary.  Hold tighter before you let go, don't leave too early but don't stay too long either because there's too much to experience and too little time.  No one really lives forever, even though we all live like that.  So worry less and live more because nothing is going to matter when you're dead.

After all, the only reason we say goodbye is so that we can come back again.

love always, laura.

And suddenly it's November again.

And you lose your mind.

[inside my skull, little elves are running around saying,

"Where'd it go?? IT WAS RIGHT HERE!!"]

Not everything that smiles is nice, not everything that laughs is kind.
Not everything that hugs can be trusted.  Not everything that cries should be pitied.
Not everything that happens is observed.  Not everything that's observed, happens.

Do you ever get worried because it seems like your best friend is upset at you so you wrote her a note about what you found out today and you can't get over it and you almost cried while figuring out some puzzle of a chimney and you're not going to have time to sew the elastics/ribbons onto your second pointe shoe which means you're going to have to suffer yet another class with worn out shoes which will probably make your other toenail fall off, and the guy you thought you liked is just like the one before and the guy you think you like will never like you and it feels like you should have more homework even though you're grateful you don't and you just want to help everyone but you think you're starting to be annoying to all the seniors but you end up texting Davis anyway and he calls you and you don't answer so he leaves a voicemail that makes the heat rise behind your closed eyes and spill out onto your kitten, and you reflect on the strangness of how when your eyes are closed the tears are hot but when they spill out their cold, and your kitten mews and licks your face all over and it makes you feel two dollars better and you read one of your favorite blogs and you're shocked to see one of your biggest pet peeves in the title and you feel strangely let down, and you've been reading and re-reading your favorite book for the past three days because it's just so incredible and you've been sleeping with an extra blanket and snuggling extra close to what would appear to be a teddy bear but what is really the guy you like, and you never texted that one guy back and you're worried that you will see him and not know what to say or won't see him and he'll think you're avoiding him but honestly you feel like you deserve more even if you don't [even if you do] and your feet have two layers of sock on them but they're still freezing and it's someone's birthday tomorrow and you've decided you're going to text him even though it's a little stalkery that you still remember his number and his birthday, and you really just wish that tomorrow all the guys you love will give you a big bear hug, especially Chaz because his hugs make you feel like you're being enveloped in a cacoon of cotton candy and he just makes you smile in general, and also you really really wish that after building tomorrow someone will kidnap you and take you to taco bell because they think you need to be cheered up and you can't stop hoping even though you know it's simply not going to happen and for some reason you can't find one of your favorite shirts so you have to wear something else and you're tired of being frozen, you're tired of the wind, you miss summer and the warmth it brings you and you can't stop worrying about that dang pointe shoe that you know you won't have time for in the coming days...and to top it all off, you just wrote an incredibly long post about absolutely nothing that you know no one took the time to actually read through completely, and you can't exactly blame them.  Also did I mention that this post happened to also be an incredibly long run-on sentence, which secretly you sometimes like?

Yeah.  Me too.

love always, laura.

Happy Halloween.

Trick or Treat, Boo, Happy Halloween, and other cliches.

pppppppppppppppppppppp9o0
[mo says hello.]

RIP James and Lily Potter.  Your ultimate sacrifice caused the eventual end of something terrible...and some really great reading for us Muggles.

To those who didn't dress up today:
you're dumb.

Now everyone go write a medium-long length blog post about anything so I have something to do.  Clearly, it doesn't even have to be quality writing for me to accept it...
love always, laura.

Too late to be awake but too early to fall asleep.

Bear with me through this next post, please.

Imagine this with me, for a moment:

You're in a room with a big present.  It's shiny and awesome and just the size and shape of something you really really want.  So you grab hold of it with both hands and keep it there for a while.  However, you're not completely sure what's inside, and it won't ...tell you...what it is... [stay with me here].  Nevertheless, you keep holding on because you're pretty sure it's what you want.

Then, for three days, you put it down and forget about it.  You go into a new room with a couple new presents that are very different than the first one, but really great too.  There's one in particular that really catches your eye and all the other presents are urging you to choose it instead of the first present [suspend your disbelief a little longer].  You're not sure, because you remember how great you think the first one is, even though you're a little distracted now because of this new present.  So you sort of kick it along back with you after the three days are up and you have to go back to the original room, which is same as always, with that big shiny present... Except now, there's a new present in there with you.

Anyway.  You take back hold of the first present, though very hesitantly this time.  In fact, one hand remains off and possibly stretched slightly towards the new present.  You stay like this, in this uncertain lingo of sorts, for another couple of weeks.  Finally, you tell the first present that it needs to make up it's mind and tell you what it is.  So finally it says that it isn't REALLY what you thought it was, it was just making itself up as it went along.  Also, it said that it didn't really want anyone opening it for a while.

You would expect yourself to feel disappointed, right?  You know you would've been if it hadn't been for those three days without it.  Suddenly you realize it isn't the only present in the house, and there's this other really great one.  This present that's probably too good for you anyway, that you don't deserve.  Anyway, the point is, it was a lot easier for you to let go of the present when you only had one hesitant hand holding on, than it would've been if you still had both hands firmly placed around it.  Do you see what I mean?

Guys, it's fine.  The first present is a really great present and we can still be...um, friends.  I just sort of have my attention on a new present now.  It's fine.  I'm fine.

love always, laura.

Sometimes, it's okay to have dessert for breakfast.

As of today, to be honest, I feel a little bit more about ripped-up toenail than I do about...

-the waste of four weeks, worrying and wondering

-the hopes of four weeks, wishing and hoping

-the lingering feelings for someone that doesn't want anything

-our conversation on Friday

-....maybe even him, now.

Because, let's be real here.  This has been a long time coming.  Since Shakespeare Festival, really.  When I got to be better friends with more people and realized that there are other good guys besides him, especially one; the one that was completely there for me and still is.  Today, there's a quote running through my head: "If you have two guys to choose, pick the second one.  If the first guy really had you, you wouldn't have fallen for someone else."
Let's be real here too.  I have been falling for a couple weeks now, for someone who is probably too good for me.  I see myself as having next to no chance with him, because why me?  The only reason I've heard lately is "why not?" and I'm not going to live that way.  We'll see.  We'll see.
In real life, if you ask anyone I'm close with, they'll tell you that I really did say these next few words:  "The more I hang out with my new drama friends, the further away I get from him."  This past fall break has been full of these new friends, with minimum contact with him.  The contrast is shocking, really.  How comfortable and how happy I am with Kristen and Davis and Connor and Suzie and [almost] Benjamin and Elizabeth and everyone else that I missed, contrasted with how stressed and uncertain I was around him.  It's time to move on.
Mitchell, you were a good chapter in my life.  You introduced me to highschool and you helped me through the initial everything.  Unfortunately, you have a lot to learn.  Now was not the time but I'm glad I was your first kiss.  I'm glad you kissed me, I'm glad I took the risks with you, I'm glad I've known you and I have no regrets.  As was the way in round one with me, you've moved on faster and I'm struggling to catch up.  It'll be fine and it'll be okay.  You're a good guy and I hope you get everything you deserve.

Also... Sorry, but all the drama kids hate you now.  My bad.

Sometimes, it's okay to eat dessert for lunch, too.
love always, laura.

In Hell we starve; In Heaven, we feed each other.

"Laura, what happened?"

"Nothing happened.  Nothing has happened.  Nothing has been said and nothing has been done and nothing is precisely the problem."

"Nothing happens and nothing matters."

I re-read what I said to that lovely, lovely boy and then I re-re-read it.  And then read it thinking of nothing as an actual thing [which may be contradictory, but oh well. It's fine].  And suddenly it was a much happier sentence.
Nothing happens because things can't always be happening, but nothing is a thing too so maybe they can.  Nothing may mean nothing good, but nothing can always mean nothing bad too.
Nothing matters because without nothing, we wouldn't appreciate the somethings.

Don't take nothing for granted.  Don't take something for granted.  Don't take people for granted and don't take your senses for granted.

love always, laura.

"The prettiest curve on a woman's body is her smile."

Charmanders are red,

Squirtles are blue,

If you were a pokemon,

I'd choose you.

Boys,
girls are easy.
It doesn't really matter what you do, but if you do something for one, you'll have her.

I wish I could write a list of things I wish you'd do for me,
because it's all here in my head,
but then I'd never know.  So maybe you should just not read this post
but still do something nice for me.  Because I know you know me and maybe I almost know
you have feelings for me but I don't really know if you care so if you do
do something nice for me to let me know
because I can't wait forever.
You have me so tight that it's killing me; do you not even realize?
I'd like to pretend I wrote that poem up there for you, but I didn't.
I saw it while browsing pictures.  It's part of a longerish poem that
a boyfriend wrote to a girlfriend
because he cares about her.  I'm not even asking for a poem or really anything
[though that'd be pretty cool].
I'm just saying it'd be nice to know and all.  Because it's not just me that's suffering;
it's all my people that read my blog.  Do you know how long it's been since I've written a good post?
A long time and it's all because of you.
You mash my thoughts up into...mush.  And then I pour them onto the keyboard
and add in a dash of pictures
and stick it into the internet without even mixing or adding sugars and spices.

But I also decided that I don't have to write like Addy to be a good writer.
And I decided I don't have to dance like Brittany to be a good dancer.
I don't have to sing like Krista to be a good singer.
I don't have to look like Selena Gomez to be pretty and
I don't have to care to impress you because honestly,

I really doubt you even notice.

And who knows.  Maybe some day you will.
Maybe someday you'll think of me unexpectedly, without a text or a glimpse or whatever of me.
And maybe that day you'll want to brighten mine up
and bring me taco bell
or play me a favorite song
or paint me a picture
or give me a flower
or take me bowling/to a movie/to color me mine/really anywhere but here
or even just grab my hand.  That'd count too.
I'm a romantic; you don't even need to be imaginative to please me.  It's so easy
but it'd catch me off guard and I'd love you forever.
oh please, you could just tell me you think I'm beautiful.  Please?
But if you don't, that's fine too.

love always, laura.