Night Owl.

Say what you need to say.

It's only because of how much I care about the stardust dripping from lamp posts that I've noticed how little you care about the storms dripping down my face, and it's only because of how much I loved it when you played me the piano that I noticed my piano hasn't been played since.

Have some of my words stuck to you, like yours to me? I can't shake them off. I can't peel them off. I can't scrub them off, though God knows I've tried. I'm trying. I will always try but you are the one who showed me how much energy has to be put into something that will last. I've spent so much of my energy on you, for so long. I've spent so much energy on all of you. It's only because of how little energy I get back that I've noticed how much energy I've spent on all of you. And I can't anymore. I can't give energy without receiving any, because that is why I keep burning out. That's why I saw spots this morning, and why I couldn't stop shaking, and why I almost threw up every time I opened my mouth. It's because of all the energy I don't have to expend on you anymore. I have much more important things to spill my energy into every day than you. 

Watch out, darling. Watch yourself. Your cheeks are beginning to crack from the over-concentration of salt, and the colors of your eyes are beginning to look permanently green. Your pillow is beginning to stain black where your eyelashes lay, and there is always hair stuck under your fingernails from clutching your head too tight. Your eyebrows are starting to stay creased, love, so be careful; my mirror can only hide so much. Don't become so stagnant. Don't forget to breathe. Don't let yourself become stone.

love always, laura elizabeth.

After.

Show me how you make a first impression.

 

 

 

The fact of the matter is, for every relationship there are three parts: the before, the during, and the after. By rule of thumb, the length of the during oftentimes is positively correlated with the length of the before. What I mean to say is, the amount of energy you put into a relationship before it's solidified determines the longevity of the relationship itself. An unfortunate fact, however, is that the after is the longest stage of the whole process, sometimes spanning up to years; it never really goes away, in the end. People leave their mark on you forever. You can never truly be over someone until you've established feelings with someone else, and even then there will be lingering nostalgias.

 

At any rate, I've been stuck in the "after" for quite a long time now. I know I'm close to the very end because I find myself wishing for, wanting, craving the feelings that come with the "before." I want to feel twitterpated. I want to think about a guy and have my stomach explode with butterflies. I want to be smiled at and be happy for the rest of the day. I crave the idea of someone I can stress over, with all the childish hopes and fears that comes with a crush. I'm so tired of meeting a guy, hooking up within days, and two weeks later pretending like I never even knew him. I'm so tired of wanting someone to care. I just want someone to care, is that too much to ask?

 

Basically, I want a guy to sit with me and read. I want a guy who'll present me with movie after movie, and force me to sit down and watch them with him. I want a guy who'll do homework with me, even though we won't talk the entire time because I'll get too distracted. I want a guy to take me bowling, and to Color Me Mine, and to little art galleries in Salt Lake City because that's what all the hipster couples like to do.

 

I want a guy to want to know me. I want a guy who will study me, and learn all the things that I do, and reference them at random times. I want to be surprised by how much he knows about me, because there are definitely things that I don't talk about. I want a guy to tell me that I'm actually not inferior. I want a guy who wants to make me feel beautiful. I want a guy who loves to hold me.

 

But mostly, I just want to know that I'm loved.

 

love always, laura elizabeth.



Full Moons.

We're going in circles, but dizzy's all it makes us.

The strangest thing about sleeping tonight

is how you will be too.

The strangest thing about tonight's moon

is that we will both see the same one.

The strangest thing about the smell of the rain

is that it will smell the same to the both of us.

How can we be so close, in so many ways,

how can we be so far apart in all the others.

The strangest thing about my memories of us

is how different they will be.

The strangest thing about the way I feel now

is how much you don't feel the same.

The strangest thing about my salty cheeks

is how you never saw them in the first place.

How could we have been so close, in so many ways,

to have been so far apart in all the others.

The strangest thing about you

was always how you felt about me.

The strangest thing about me

was never how I felt about you.

The strangest thing about us today

is how alike it is to how we were then

love always, laura elizabeth.

So.

"And my only regret is having regrets."

Everything is so different.

Everything is the same.

Everyone is so different.

Everyone is the same

I'm stuck. I'm stuck in limbo. I'm stuck in a reality of knowing everyone and knowing no one.

It's like I'm so close to freedom, it's like I'm so close to a fresh start that I can literally taste the Starbucks that I will drink so independently. I'm so close I already don't have the money for basic needs, such as food. I'm so close I've already alienated myself from everyone I know. In fact, I'm so close I can almost feel myself bouncing back. I can almost feel myself running right back over bridges that have long since burned away, running back to people who's backs have been turned for far too long. I'm running back and I'm running forward and I'm trying so hard to just stand still, all at the same time, and I don't know how to be independent and I don't know how not to be, I don't know how to let go but I don't know how to hold on, either.

This is limbo, folks. This is Senior Year.

It's funny to me, that limbo is called what it is. I mean, you have the limbo that I'm talking of, a sort of in between, abstract idea of a place where you're trying to get to where you're going by going as far away as possible while staying in the same exact place; but you also have the other limbo, the game that they play at cheesy Hawaiian parties where you have to lean back as far as you can to pass under a bar someone else has set. It's funny to me, because aren't they the same thing? Aren't I bending over backwards trying to reach the standard that was set by someone else? Couldn't I lose my balance at any moment? Isn't everyone waiting for that to happen?

I'm currently so stuck on the idea of moments that last infinity. I have so many, too many to count, too many to name, too many to remember, but they're still there. They're still affecting me. They still pop up in moments of "Remember When?" And maybe they aren't hilarious moments that I can tell at parties, that'll make everyone like me, but they're important memories all the same because I wasn't worrying about the past, I wasn't worrying about the future, I wasn't even worrying about the present; I was just living. Isn't that a great standard to live by? Isn't that an impossibly low bar to limbo under?

Don't worry, life is only as difficult and depressing as you make it. Don't worry, vulnerability is a losing characteristic nowadays. Don't worry, I can use anaphora in everything I do and recognize that I'm doing it.

Don't worry, because I'll be here long after I'm gone.

love always, laura elizabeth.