Because, when you get to the root of it, starting over scares me just as much as letting go.
I'm afraid of them, because I'm not good at either.
Just like I can't let go of Connor, going on a mission,
or Eliza, going to college,
or Stevie, moving on in life,
or Kelsie, getting married,
I can't let go of a boy I've loved
(in various degrees, obviously)
for a year now.
Can't I let go,
don't I want to? Shouldn't I?
Shouldn't I be excited to start over?
Always, the terrible truth of the lack of fighting,
That inharmonious voice that whispers hopeless hopes in the night,
the words and thoughts that spin a web around my heart
holding it together but also restricting it.
Is the idea of ending up alone more terrifying
than the idea of starting over?
I'd rather not care if it always ends like this,
but better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
And the melancholic words keep rolling out, faithless as sin
while he breathes in a different story, now,
while he exists to someone, someones else,
while he thinks of everything but me.
The difference being, of course,
that Connor was always going to go on a mission
and Eliza was always going to go to college
and Stevie was always going to move on in life
and Kelsie was always going to have to leave,
He was the one I thought I could so easily hold on to
without using my hands. Of course, that didn't work,
the new question being,
"Laura, how will you ever grab elsewhere when you're holding on here so tightly?"
the answer being, of course, that I couldn't.
How do I let go, how do I start over?
"It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I would shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed."
-Billy Collins, "On Turning Ten"
But, life goes on, my grip slackens,
it will all be okay,
the days go by so fast and soon there won't be so much time to think and weep.
So take me to the carnival, sleep under the stars,
and enjoy this July in the rain.
love always, laura elizabeth.
