Lists.

Things I've discovered aren't good to discuss with someone LDS:

1. Gay Rights.

2. Presidant Obama.

3. George Bush.

4. God.

5. Religion.

Seriously.

If you are mormon, you should probably not discuss these things with me.  Because with a couple of them I get really mad and start crying.  Others I get really mad and start yelling.  And frankly others, I just don't understand.

Just some hinters for all you LDS folk out there. (:

Ways you can tell I'm upset:
1. If you're texting me, I stop using smiley faces.
1a. I also stop using all punctuation.
1b.  I also use a lot of . . .
1c.  I stop capitalizing things.
2.  I look down a lot.
3.  I'm dressed in sweats and wearing my glasses.

If you're texting me and see those signs, you can ask what's wrong.  I might  not actually tell you because I'm like that.  If nothing's wrong, I'll say, "Nothing! :) silly goose."  or something.  If something is wrong and I just want to see if you'll buy it, I'll say "nothing..." or something like that.

Ways to make me love you:
1. Make me feel good.
2. Send me a text to wake up to.
3. Give me many hugs.
4. Text me first.
5. Smile at me.
6. I dunno.  Be yourself.  That usually works too.

Pretty much in love with this picture.



Love StarFish.

PS.  I am back to dance next week!!!! :D



Love is Love.

Today in English, we just finished the book To Kill A Mockingbird.  It had many symbols and such in it, and I guess I enjoyed it.  We had a big discussion on racism.  We talked about how these people in the book were being hypocrites by saying we live in a democracy, equal rights for all, then persecuting Tom Robinson [a black man] for no reason, eventually ending his life.  We talked about how we are all people, no matter what color our skin is.
My friend Julia and I, we are probably the only non-mormons in that class.  Even the teacher is LDS.  The entire discussion, she and I were just dying to bring up modern day prejudice in homosexuals.  Hello?  Equal rights?  How is ending the right to marry whomever you like, but only for gays, equal?  Love is Love.
Don't get me wrong, I love mormons.  Strong standards and such.  Some of the nicest people I know are mormon.  But I don't agree with some of the ways they are raised.  Honestly, one of my friends in that class is always saying that racism is something that they were raised with and that's why they are racist, and that prejudism is wrong, and she isn't prejudiced, but she is one of the biggest homophobes I know.  I'm thinking, weren't you raised to believe [in your religion] that homosexuals are going to Hell, because they chose wrong in who to love?
News flash people.  Scientists have proven that there is an actual chemical in the brain of homosexuals that causes them to be attracted to the same sex.  It isn't something that is chosen for them, it's how God made them.  And God would not make someone just to throw in Hell.
Homosexuals are people too.  We are all people, we all get the same rights.  If we happen to love someone of our own sex, well, how is that your business?
Love. Is. Love.
And love is what makes the world go round.

Love StarFish.

What is God to you?

And now, some poetry.

He is the pastel sun strolling through your window.
He is the footprint in the snow,
the crinkled leaf on the sidewalk.
He is the blue egg,
cracking in the nest,
in the tree, by your porch.
He is the raindrop
slipping through the sunroof.
He is the bright light, shining
through the keyhole.
He is the footstep,
the door closing quietly,
the shadow by the door.
He is the star
not shining quite as brightly
as the one next to it.
He is the twenty dollars
you leave in last winter's coat.
He's the sticky note in your lunchbox,
telling you're beautiful.
He is us.
We are Him.

Love StarFish.

Nightly Routine.

Yesterday, I realized that everyone else in my dance class has about all three splits. I have my rights, usually, but not lefts or middles, so I decided I will stretch every night. I told Braedon and he's gonna stretch too. Tonight, I stretched my lefts, rights, but middles really felt unnatural for some reason.  I was stretching and realized I had a lot going on in my mind, which isn't good, because flexibility is highly psychological. I decided to meditate, and that's what this post is about.
I sat in the butterfly position and put my hands as if in prayer, in front of my chest.  I started with some deep breaths and let go of what was in my mind.  For some reason, my mind flew to a late Summer evening.  Blaze and I were out taking pictures after a warm rain, both sharing the love of photography.  This was before we were back together- we were "together" a little bit in June, then not for all of July, then this night happened.  We were at the school, behind a column, talking.  Our faces got really, really close.  I don't know if I would call it a kiss, but our lips brushed together. It was more of both of us, with our lips centimeters away, wondering if the other would make a move. I was scared- the last time I had let him kiss me, he had hurt me by going to Sarah.  So I did not make the move. However... He did.  He barely leaned forward, and like I said, our lips brushed together.  Neither of us actively kissed the other, we didn't have our arms around each other.  I didn't know what was happening.  I didn't know what was going to happen.  He whispered to me, "I miss you.  I miss, I miss that feeling in my chest that comes from being close to you."  I reached around and hugged him, saying, "This is as close as we can get, isn't it?"  He replied, "No... It's hard to explain...But... I think about you all the time."  "What about Sarah?"  "I don't know... When I'm with you, she vanishes from my mind.  When I'm with her, you're still there."  I told him, "You had better choose before you go kissing me," and I grabbed my jacket and got out of there.
My mind wasn't at ease when I was meditating about this.  My breathing got heavy again and I began to shake.  I finally came to realization that I don't miss Blaze.  I miss the love, maybe the kisses, definitely the hugs, but not him.  So I let the memory go, and thought of the good things in my life.  These images came to my mind:  Hugging Braedon.  Hugging Justyn.  Cuddling with my cat.  Eating chocolate.  Standing in rain, being on stage...So many things that make me happy.  My breathing went silent again, my heart stilled, and I was at peace.
When I felt finished, I let out a great gust of air, and tried my left splits again.  I had gone down at least three inches.
Friends, take the time to meditate at night.  Think about whatever comes to mind immediately, then let it go.  Think about what makes you happy.  Breathe.  Love.  Peace.

Love, StarFish.

Balancing out the Pessimism.

The Good Things In My Life:

1. My friends.

2. My cat.

2a. Mainly because it's so obvious he loves me best.

3. Books.

4. Warm Showers.

5. Good food.

6. A loving family.
6a. Well, mom loves me, anyway.

7. Photography.

8. Drama.

9. Braedon.

10. Fuzzy, fuzzy pajama bottoms.

10a. That have smiley faces on them.

10b. Unfortunately... They've grown short. Or I've grown tall.

11. Taylor Swift.

12. Babysitting money.

12a. Although I never get asked to do anything. Even though I have the money for it.

13. Christmas wish lists.

14. Blankets.

15. My earmuffs.

15a. Which I adore.

16. My foot.

16a. As in, it's getting better.  I can walk without the boot around my home.

17. Glasses.

18. Psych!

19. Freedom.

20. Love.

Okay, writing these lists are hard for me, so I'll stop.  It's not that I don't have a lot of good in my life, I've just mentioned all the important things to me.  Mostly. I think.
I love my cat.

Love, StarFish.

Pessimistic Much?

On one of my favorite cyber-haunts, smithteens, there is a couple.  She told him about the site.  SharkBait and HeartIsKept.  They're cute together, for sure, always posting cute memoirs and forums and expressing their love in their comments and everything.  Sound familiar?  If not, then it's the same with how it was with Blaze and me.  I told him about the site.  We made cute memoirs and forums and expressed our love in many comments.  Then, it all went down how it did, and he deleted his account.  Which is just as well now, but it wasn't at the time.  I guess I wanted to be able to look back over what he had said about me, and remember that for some point in my life, someone had me on their mind all the time like I had him on mine.  When you delete your account, all your memoirs, forums, and comments disappear too, so on some stuff he would comment on, it looks like I was having a conversation with myself.  I made a new account anyway.
Back to SharkBait and HeartIsKept.  I am so happy for them, do believe me.  But some of the stuff he says is a lot like what Blaze would say about me:  "Everyday, waking up still so in love.  Days will turn into months and months will turn into years, and we'll be together through it all."  That sounds so familiar that it kills me.  I wonder if any other memoirists saw the forums we posted about and to each other and thought the same things that I've been thinking?  That we wish they could stay together forever but we know they won't?  That we know she'll wish she hadn't invited him to the site, because after your not together but you both keep using the site, suddenly you're at a disadvantage and can't actually spill everything on your mind anymore for fear of them seeing it?  Yes indeed.  It's awful and terrible.  Now Blaze and his new love-wasn't that fast?  Apparently he's been flirty with her since the beginning of school.  A couple of weeks before we broke up.  Nice-are both on there, because he told her about the site.  So guess who gets to sit back and see him proclaim his love for her?  Yes.  Me.



I want these tights.  Sooooo.  Badddddd.





Do you match your fingernails to your toes? I don't.

Love StarFish.

Secret Five.

It's not a particularly juicy secret, but I bet it's one none of you knew about me- I think in emotions.  And I remember how I felt about something, not the actual something.  It sucks because I rarely know how to answer how are you?  I think in feelings.  I don't think in words.  I think in the direction of where I want what I'm going to say to go, what feeling I am trying to portray, and then I hope whatever spills out will be okay.  Sometimes it is.  Sometimes it isn't.  But I bet you didn't know that.

Love StarFish.

hardly a reason.

Why be sad, you ask?

I am just no one's most important, is all.

Invasion of Privacy.

BLAZE.

STOP.

READING.

MY.

BLOG.

NOW.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY LIFE YOU MAY TALK TO ME AND BE PLEASANT BUT I DO NOT WANT YOU READING MY BLOG.

you already stole SmithTeens from me.

so get off my blog.

When nothing else matters.

It's like the words "she'll be okay" simply don't register.
Even when I'm repeating them to myself over and over again.
Nothing will stop the tears or the panic.

My very best friend,

the best friend I have ever had in my LIFE,

sick within inches of death in a lonely hospital.

I gave her my Valentine,

my precious teddy bear that I have hugged over and over again

in hopes that she wouldn't be too lonely.

I hope she's hugging him right now.

I brought her Buffy and a book,
I brought her love.
But I am so afraid.
What if she never comes back?

I have that stupid Hannah Montana birthday card she gave me,

I have the long and sweet birthday letter that came along with it.

We have countless pictures together.

We have each others secrets.

I would do anything for her.

I would do anything to be in that hospital bed instead of her.

I've put her picture as my phone's wallpaper,

and I've wished on every star, every 11:11 or 12:34 wish.

But while all the other problems we got
each other through were fixed by
words and comfort,
this one isn't.

I can talk to her and promise it'll be okay,

and soothe her tears

and hide mine the best I can,

but I can't talk the sickness away.

and I am so scared.

I love you Stevie.

I will not lose you.