Mantras.

"I don't have a hard life. I am happy. I don't have a hard life. I am happy. I don't have a hard life. I am happy."

"How ironic how ironic how ironic how ironic how ironic."

"Don't let me go. Don't let me go. Don't let me go. Don't let me go."

Because I really don't have a hard life and I really am happy and it doesn't have to be ironic.

Look, guys, it isn't really his fault, he jokes, that's who he is, and that's how I like him. I like him, I love him, how he is. But I'd love it even more if I thought he really cared.

See, that was a stupid sentence, because I know he cares, I saw that last night. I'm insecure and I'm broken but I ought to believe the little voice more often, I ought to believe my brain or my heart--I'm not yet sure which says what, but I ought to believe the more optimistic one--because even though he might not love me, I love him, and that's enough, right? But it'd be really great if I thought he cared.

Look how crazy I am, just earlier I was saying, "stop making drama for yourself, stop disbelieving, just take it as it is and stop questioning it" and now I'm just wondering why it's so hard, I just wish he cared, I wish he loved me too, even though that wasn't the wish he asked about, even though it kind of was.

I need to make my bed, I need to go to sleep, I need to wake up and have a great day tomorrow but I just can't get past tonight where I feel incredibly alone and I wish he realized that and said the right things, but see, that's my problem, I expect him to be who he isn't. So maybe if I accept myself and I accept that no guy will be that guy that I set up for myself in those lonely nights, the guy that my guy actually sometimes is, I'll accept him, even though I already have, because I love him and he doesn't love me and if that isn't love then what is?

I'm happy, I have a great life, I have a great boyfriend, I love him. We're all bound to have bad nights, right? I've just been having more than enough lately, but that means a bunch of good nights are coming my way. Tonight could be a good night if I'd let it, if I'd stop worrying, I worry too much that I'm doing things wrong but that's so silly because it's love, how can anyone do anything wrong? So I'll start believing I'm doing right and it's right and God really is on my side because Valentine's Day is a Tuesday this year, which is perfect.

So really, I'm happy, and you can disregard everything I said up there, except for the parts about being happy and God.

love always, laura elizabeth.

It's been ten days, so goodbye and hi.

It's been ten days

so goodbye and hi.

life comes fast but

it moves so slowly.

I look at everything and everyone and I can't even imagine everyone's heartbreak.

I don't understand people, but I'd like to, I don't understand me, but I'd like to.

So let's take today, let's take tomorrow, let's take forever and create no drama for each other.

Let's just stay as is forever, because I'm just a girl who loves owls and is happy.

I'm just a girl who's done with the drama, so how about I throw my worries out the window

and just enjoy what I have,

because I have you and you're extremely enjoyable.

love always, laura elizabeth.

A penny saved is not much.

Kindly read the following proverbs that were started by a teacher and finished by a class of first graders.  Feel free to laugh out loud.

I hope you enjoyed those as much as I did... So anyway.  Here's the real start to this post.

Love that should happen, love that does happen, love that won't happen, love that used to happen.

I've started this post three times and I still can't figure out how to speak in feelings.

I'm convinced that everything thinks in feelings and remembers in feelings and words are just the clumsy communication of these feelings, because honestly.  We all feel feelings even though we don't all talk in the same language and maybe if we spoke in feelings the world would be a better place.  Maybe if we could speak in feelings you'd be able to understand what my mouth can't say very well.  Maybe if we could speak in feelings, more people would be in love and less people would hate.  Maybe we would all be a little less broken.

Because I've never almost spilled those words out only to push them back in at the last second.  Because I've never spent an entire movie thinking about how close your arm and my head are and would it be weird if I closed the distance.  Because I've never been able to talk intellectually with a guy that I made out with the week before.  Because I've never been asked to a school dance and I don't know what semi-formal is even supposed to mean.  Because I keep dreaming about you.  Because you've put me through so much and I you but we still feel these feelings. Because everytime that we have any kind of contact I am hyper-aware of it. Because even though I never would have guessed it would ever be you for me and me for you, I still think I might love you.

love always, laura elizabeth.

Forever Young.

Life is crazy,

but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I keep seeing quotes like, "Love burns brighter than the sun."

I disagree.

Love is like the embers of a spent fire, because that's what's left at the end of the day.

Yes, it burns hot, but slowly and completely, too.  It can burn you, but only if you're stupid about it.  What hurts us is generally the immediate flare up, when it's started but sometimes not tended to, or the immediate dousing with cold water.  Love in it's entirety doesn't hurt us, it's everything that could come with it that does, such as loneliness or rejection.  Love is the basic burning that starts in the soul and slowly makes it's way throughout the entire body, down to the toes and up to your nose.  In the bright daylight, perhaps it's hard to see, but when it comes down to when it matters, in the deepest, darkest part of the night, it burns obviously and steadily.  Love will endure.

How often I've breathed those three words silently into you.

love always, laura elizabeth.



I'd stop the world and melt with you.

To put things lightly, he got the jar down for me (the few inches he has on me being all that was needed to reach that high shelf in my soul) and even unscrewed the top I put on so forcefully.

And they were delicious, of course.  Every chocolate chip "remember when" and all the same whirlwind feelings of September 24 baked into the dough.
did you feel the breath when I mouthed those three words into your neck?
Sorry for the absence, those who care.

"Owls and Tacos.  Life is good."

love always, laura elizabeth.

Attitudes, parties, and prom dresses.

A girl worth kissing is not easily kissed.

A girl worth hugging is not easily hugged.

A girl worth loving is not easily loved.

Boyce Avenue.

Mitchell, will you please love me like that?

love always, laura elizabeth.

How to Love, the Trial.

Breaking down and coming undone

it's a rollercoaster kind of rush

I never knew I could feel that much

That's the way I love you

Exhibit A:  The number of text messages from you I've locked on my phone, because one of the sentences in them was something like, "I'm just glad I have you" or "Screw society and I miss you".  He's said a whole bunch of really nice things like, "you looked gorgeous tonight" and "who wouldn't like you?" but I didn't save any of those on my phone.

Exhibit B:  I spent every song in the dance last night trying to catch your eye and be around you.  I felt awkward looking at him. (Not because he's weird looking or anything.  And not because he can't dance either.)

Exhibit C:  I find every excuse to touch you, and I notice every time you touch me.  I get a little jittery in my stomach just thinking about it.  He touched me a lot (sounds wrong. Wasn't.) and each time I just thought, "Oh.  That's nice."

Exhibit D:  I find myself hugging him so I can pretend it's you.  I don't hug you because I'm afraid I won't let go.

Exhibit E:  It seemed way more right for me to go in your car than in his.

Exhibit F:  I keep thinking about wanting to be around you.  I got a little apprehensive every time he asked me to hang out.

Exhibit G:  He asked if I still wanted to go to Taco Bell sometime.  I said, "Yeah maybe!" and thought "Can he come?"

Exhibit H:  I have not once texted him first.  With you, I always feel like I have to fight for a conversation, but I still do it.

Exhibit I:  I find myself thinking of a hundred different possible scenarios for when I see you in the halls tomorrow.

Exhibit J:  "L" and "M" are right next to each other in the alphabet.  Also, last time I twisted off an apple stem, it landed on "M".  I feel like they both should mean something (even if they don't).

Exhibit K:  I pretend to be snuggled up to you every night.

Exhibit L:  I've written an incredible amount of posts about you, and I like re-reading the very first one. (Remember how you were a self-proclaimed slut?  Good times...)

Exhibit M:  I'm always thinking of "Remember When"s that I just want to tell you all the time, and have to physically stop myself.

Exhibit N:  I hear some of my favorite songs and wish that you'd listen to them and think of me.

Exhibit O:  I'm always dying to hear more from you.

.......and so on.

The verdict has been reached, and that's the way I love you.
love always, laura elizabeth (also known as "wingnut").

p.s. I love you.

How to Love, Sub-Post A.

If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know.

If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone.

Thank you, beautiful, beautiful song.

-Love at a Coffee Shop, Landon Pigg.

How to Love.

I am a terrible person.

That should be written across my forehead.  "I am a terrible person.  STAY AWAY."  Someone should make me a shirt that says, "WARNING.  This girl does not know what to do, ever.  She does not know how she feels until it's very late in the situation.  She does now know how to fix things very well.  Approach with caution."

Really, though.

I'm a terrible person and I don't know what to do and I hate myself a little for it.
laura.

Where would we be now?

So, I didn't say anything about Christmas.  Or new year.  Here I go.  Merry Christmas, Happy New Year.  Don't get in fights, smell the roses, don't eat too much but certainly eat enough, give candy to kids, go to a dance, read some books, play in the rain, kiss someone, go to school, and love and smile more than you see because you get what you give.  That is my advice to you.  That's all that will really be said about that in this post, sorry.  If you want a cliche, go check out any other blog [which isn't to say I dislike cliches, because I love them.  I just have too much else to talk about right now].

**Warning:  My thoughts right now could probably be split into five different posts about five different aspects of my life right now, but I'm not going to.  So good luck.  If you get lost, scroll down and just read the tags; they usually sum things right up.

To tell the honest truth?
I wanted to punch something.

I wanted to scream and cry and throw a pillow at the wall when you told me what you did.  Last night, I decided I sort of hate you.  Today, I realized why; because it shouldn't hurt this much.  It shouldn't hurt at all.  Why would it?  I thought I got over you.  You thought I got over you.  But I guess you tricked me with your manipulations into thinking that maybe we still stood a chance.  I hate you because I care about you so much still, and I truly want you to be happy.  I was so upset.  I was so close to blowing over and I kept clinging to a pretense to keep myself calm.

Then I remembered an idea I read in a beautiful book, "Tuesdays with Morrie".  He says to let yourself fully feel the emotion, then detach yourself from it.  Put it on a shelf, then step back.
So here's what I did.
I took a bowl full of the feelings you've made me feel in the past [remembering that many of them are positive].  I reached inside my heart and mind and pulled out everything I could possibly connect to how I was feeling today and last night, put them in the bowl, and turned on the mixer.  When they were well mixed, I put globs of these feelings on a pan and cooked them at 375 degrees until they were golden brown.  When they were cooled, I scraped them off carefully, put them in a large jar labeled "Mitchell", closed the lid, and put it up on the highest shelf of my life; after all, I do treasure everything I've learned and felt from you.  I took a few steps back, cleaned up the kitchen of me, and then walked away.  And that is my personal recipe for living happily.

I've put it away on a shelf, to be explored and possibly enjoyed on a day when I feel tall enough to reach up and grab the jar again.  Today, though, I prefer to walk away with my head as high as I can.  So what do you say to laying down our weapons and ceasing this constant battle?  This is my surrender, I've raised my white flag.  You've fought valiantly and so have I, but after all, I'm not a violent person.  Who knows, maybe you could go on forever.  But I can't.  There needs to be a time where someone walks away, and I'm far too weak to stay.

Oh, love, how full I am of "remember when"s.  I feel like with every passing minute, I remember something else that I want to rush and tell you and hope you still feel the spark.  But you've made your bed and left me to find my own.  That's fine, because who knows what I'll come across in my future?  This year has already brought me pain, but it's brought me happiness, too.  Discoveries, even, about myself.  And again, who knows?  Maybe all the personal attacks in our battle last night you took on me meant that you do still remember.  Remember when?  Remember when?  But life should be lived now, not then, and already I've forgotten; I used every "remember when" as the chocolate chips.  They're not gone, just put high on a shelf, to be enjoyed when I can reach them easier.

Now, to be friends.  Again, that can't be done until I manage to get to that jar full of us again.  If I try to get it down when I'm just not ready, the jar will slip from my fingertips and crash down on my head, breaking apart the cookies and the feelings; I'll have to start over again.  This time, though, some ingredients would be missing, and it'd be that much harder to make them well.  Cookies are pretty bad for your health, anyway; you don't need them so I'll make myself live without them, too.  Call it a diet, if you will.  I might want it, desperately, even, but I know there will be a reward at the end of it for you.  If you can do it, so can I.

One last reserve, however; if you ever find yourself less than happy and without someone to turn to, I'll welcome you.  I once made a promise to you that you can trust me, and that's the one thing I left out of my cookies.  Keeping your promises is healthy, after all, it will hardly break my diet.  I don't know how much you want to take advantage of this truce, you might want nothing to do with me ever again; but at least you know you have it if you're in need.

Some final pieces of advice:  Smile more than you frown, hug more than you're hugged.  Treat every girl with full respect; make her feel cared for and of high quality.  Wave to passing cars, listen to too much music, and for heaven's sake, do your physics homework.

With anything that's left, laura elizabeth.